benjoblog

8 Minute Abner

2011-10-18T10:35:00.000-07:00

Dear friends,

Barely six months have passed since I shared the first episode of Abner with you, and already the next one is ready! This episode is called "8 Minute Abner," and it will provide you with belly laughs and belly muscles alike. I hope you like it!

- Benjo

Abner, Episode 1: "The Birthmark"

2011-03-31T14:30:00.000-07:00

by Benjo

Hello, everyone! I've missed you! How are you doing? Still at the same job? What ever happened with that little firecracker you were running around with?

I've been keeping busy, and I'm very excited to share with you one of the products of my business. It's the first episode of Abner, titled "The Birthmark." My collaborators and I are already hard at work on episode 2, "8-Minute Abner," and I'll share that with you just as soon as it's right and ready. But for now, break out the Pop Secret and hit play below.

I Am An Addict.

2010-12-29T09:08:00.000-08:00

by Edward J. Albenstein

I can't believe I'm confessing such a thing in public like this, but frankly, it beats going to one of those awful meetings.

I've been warned since I was a kid about how I had to stay away from this stuff. I barely knew my grandpa, and it wasn't until I was an adult that my parents revealed to me that he was a raging workaholic. And Uncle Ted—it's been fifteen years now since we lost him to chocoholism.

But for some reason, I never thought this would be my fate. But then, I never thought I'd ever open a Facebook account.

I mean, sure, I tried Friendster in college, but who didn't? I figured I'd give Facebook a try, just to see what the hype was about. And that first time, it didn't seem so bad. I liked a status, maybe wished someone a happy birthday.

But they say you're hooked from the first time you use it, and they're right. At first, I'd only log on in social situations, but before long, I was going to work in the morning with Facebook in my system. At night, I'd tell my wife I was going to get wasted with the guys and go to the strip club—maybe urinate publicly if the mood was right. But in reality, I was in an alley with my laptop, commenting on photos of my third-grade teacher's grandson Todd in one tab while I played Scrabble in another tab—also with Todd.

Nowadays, I've forgotten how to interact with the real world. I don't laugh anymore. Instead, I have this plastic “Like” button that I made, and whenever someone says something funny, I just press the button.

But this afternoon, something happened. I was on my phone, watching a video about human anatomy—which my college roommate's cousin Ernie posted to his feed. In the video, they dissected the liver of a lifelong Facebook user, and the entire thing was Facebook blue. It burned my eyes to look at it. So I turned on the computer and opened a browser—and, though my fingers fought me, I resisted the urge to type Facebook's URL. Instead, I came here.

I'm Edward, and I'm a facebookaholic.

Congress Repeals “Don't Ask,” Ending 17-Year Ban On Nosiness In Military

2010-12-24T11:23:00.000-08:00

Members of the United States Armed Forces will no longer have to hide their inquisitive orientations. President Obama signed a law Wednesday that will reverse the military's “Don't Ask, Don't Tell” policy, which for 17 years has prevented nosy men and women from openly asking their colleagues if they are gay.

“No longer will tens of thousands of Americans be forced to keep their questions to themselves,” Obama said at the signing ceremony. “For too long we have denied the bravery and patriotism of some of our most extraordinary servicemembers because they happen to be nosy.”

Though many have focused on the “Don't Tell” portion of the existing policy, which prevents homosexual men and women from serving openly, most people agree that the “Don't Ask” portion has been a far more significant impediment to civil liberties. “Only one in ten servicemen and women are gay,” said Sgt. Lou Falchi. “But everyone is curious about who's gay.”

Nosiness-rights advocates applauded the measure. “My intrusiveness is who I am,” said Alice Stark. Paul Dickens, her nosy partner of 15 years, agreed. “Sure, we may not be able to procreate—no one would submit their reproductive organs to someone as relentlessly, flamboyantly prodding as Alice. But it doesn't mean she loves her country any less.”

Donald Fairfax, who is serving his third tour in Afghanistan, said, “We got to see the new Coen brothers flick, and when it's over a private in my division goes, 'Matt Damon is very handsome.' I wanted to be like, 'Dude, are you gay?' But if I'd said it, I'd be discharged. If you ask me,” Fairfax said, “the military's going to be stronger now that I can openly question that dude's sexuality.”

Emboldened by their victory, Stark, Fairfax, and other NIBTQ (nosy-inquisitive-bi-interrogative-tampering-questioning) citizens plan to focus on their ultimate goal: nosy marriage.

But critics of the repeal, led by Senator John McCain, worry that its passage will lower morale in the military. McCain issued a statement following the bill's passage that said, “Who's going to want to take a shower with another officer, when you constantly have to look over your shoulder to see if he's looking at you like he's going to ask you a question?”

Despite McCain's opposition, eight Republican Senators joined the 57 members of the Democratic caucus to vote for repeal, effectively putting to rest categorizations of the GOP as unanimously interrophobic.

NY Tree Branch Death: Act Of Mother Nature Or Act Of Terror?

2010-02-27T09:15:00.000-08:00

by Benjo

My thoughts and prayers are with the family of Elmaz Qyra, the Brooklyn resident who was tragically killed in Central Park on Wednesday by a tree branch that collapsed under the weight of several inches of snow.

But while we mourn Qyra's death, we must not ignore a question that media reports of the incident have to this point ignored: was it really the snow that was to blame--or was it the tree?

Since this blog reported last fall on a suicide attack perpetrated by a Massachusetts oak, the punditry class has been atwitter with the many thorny issues surrounding arboreal terrorism: whether the judicial system should handle terrorist trees or whether they should be tried in military court; whether species profiling at airports and on streets is appropriate, or whether trees should be assumed to be as peaceful as any other organism, and so on.

Nonetheless, a branch from what the Parks Commissioner called "a healthy tree" kills an innocent civilian, and no one questions the tree's innocence? All this points to the insidious genius of the tree's ploy: by waiting for the biggest snowstorm of the year to kill someone, the tree ensured that people's attention would be diverted toward the weather, and away from its pernicious self.

Let's look at the facts. A recent study by the US Department of Agriculture indicated that 94 percent of tree-related deaths in the last two decades have occurred within two days of extreme natural events--lightning storms, snowstorms, hurricanes, earthquakes, and so on. In the face of these data, the evidence could not be clearer that trees have systematically timed their attacks to shift the blame to the weather, leaving their own innocence uncontested so that they can continue perpetrating these attacks without arousing suspicion.

It is imperative that we bring this era of blind trust to an end. Whether the trees' campaign is labeled terrorism or species warfare, one simple point cannot be denied: the risk of an arboreal 9/11 is greater than ever. While hundreds of thousands of troops are stationed in Afghanistan and Iraq, we must not neglect the threat that we face at home.

Terrorist Tree Commits Suicide Attack On Parked Car

2009-10-07T14:04:00.000-07:00

by Benjo

BELCHERTOWN, MA -- A tree crushed a parked BMW sedan in a suicide attack yesterday in the center of this small town. The tree, an oak, used itself as an improvised arboreal device, or IAD, destroying both itself and the car.

“Given the history of tensions between fundamentalist oak trees and German cars, we do believe this was a terrorist incident,” said police chief Gunther Napalm.

Noting that tree experts had confirmed that the tree was dead, Napalm said, “The fact that a tree would be willing to give its life to take the life of just one car should give us great pause.”

Authorities believe that the tree was acting alone, but are looking into the possibility that it was working with an accomplice--perhaps lightning. As a precaution, the wind was also detained briefly before being released late yesterday afternoon.

Napalm stressed that there is no evidence, however, linking the tree to al Qaeda or any other terrorist organization. Police are nonetheless continuing to look exhaustively into any possible connections.

“We want to be absolutely certain that we prevent the nightmare scenario,” said Napalm, “which is of course the possibility that a nuclear weapon would fall into the branches of terrorist trees.”

Car owners expressed outrage and fear following the attack.

“It would be one thing for it to attack a military car or a tank,” said Rodney Lang, 55. “But an innocent civilian car like this? It's unconscionable what these crazy oaks will do.”

Town mayor Landon Felder tried to calm these fears. “We want to remind people that the oak is a species of peace. The last thing we want is for there to be any aggression or ill will towards oaks or any other trees.”

Still, the possibility of species profiling remains a reality.

“If I see a tree of oak descent on the street at night, am I more likely to stop it and question it than if it was a pine? You bet I am,” said police officer Morris Daley. “If the oaks want that to change, they're gonna need to get out of the soil for once and do something about it. Maybe covering yourself with bark and living off sunlight worked a million years ago, but in the age of the internet, that's not gonna fly. These trees need to embrace modernity.”

ACLU spokeswoman Victoria Elmswether disputed those sentiments. “Ninety-nine percent of oaks live normal, peaceful lives,” she said, “and yet oaks have continued to face these speciesist profiling practices for years. This trend of trees being pulled over for 'Photosynthesizing while oak' has got to come to an end.”

Indeed, Napalm confirmed that the tree behind yesterday's attack was anything but a random oak. It had long been on a terrorist watch list, which would have prevented it from flying or traveling abroad.

Napalm noted that the tree had been indoctrinated during its adolescence by a fundamentalist tree preacher, or “treecher.” Said Napalm, “The treechers' message of hate resonated with the tree due to its upbringing in extremely poor soil, which the treechers blamed on car exhaust.”

He continued, “The only place we're going to stop this problem, then, is at the roots.”

Napalm is optimistic that such a program of nutrient-rich soil promotion will work. “If we can convince these young oaks that their earthly life is one worth living,” he said, “then there will be no reason for them to commit these suicidal acts in pursuit of the promised 72 piles of virgin mulch.”

Ashton Kutcher Livid After Discovering Patrick Swayze's Ghost Communicating With Demi Moore

2009-10-06T12:23:00.000-07:00

by Benjo

Ashton Kutcher lashed out this afternoon after discovering that his wife, actress Demi Moore, has been communicating with the spirit of her Ghost co-star Patrick Swayze following the latter's death on September 14.

“When Whoopi showed up and started channeling Swayze, I thought I was being punk'd,” said Kutcher, referring to the MTV prank show he hosted from 2003 to 2007. “But when she started talking about details of my life that only Swayze would know, I knew it was for real.”

Kutcher said he first became suspicious when he whispered to his sleeping wife that he loved her one night last week. "She just said, 'ditto,'" Kutcher said.

Kutcher says that the communication will not affect his and Moore's marriage for the time being. “I'll tell you what, though,” he said. “The second Demi breaks out the pottery wheel, I am fucking out of here.”

Following Death Of World's Oldest Person, Fox Developing Reality Show To Find Successor

2009-10-02T18:58:00.000-07:00

by Benjo

Interesting story: my great-great-great-grandfather in Ukraine was the oldest person in the world for 30 years, having inherited the position from his father. He eventually lost the title in a battle against the Poles; otherwise, I might be fourth in line for the title today. Fascinating to see how the rules of succession change over time.

On the heels of the death of 115-year-old Gertrude Baines, who until her passing was the oldest living person, the Fox network has announced a reality show, tentatively titled Who Wants To Be the Oldest Person in the World?, which will crown a new oldest person.

The news was welcomed by elderly citizens like 99-year-old Abigail Lyman. “Here I am, skin dripping off me like cheese off a pizza; can't hear, see, think, walk, remember, move, drive, clean, work, cook, eat, or breathe on my own,” Lyman said. “And yet, these 115-year-old freaks think they deserve the title just because they've been wasting away a few years longer? Well wait till they see what's coming to them.”

Bruce Namath, professor of Elderly Studies at Washington State, noted that the reality-show format is just the latest in a long line of methods that have been used over the years to determine the world's oldest person. "For centuries, the title was passed from father to son," Namath said. "The modern criteria for the title were not adopted until 1923, when scientists discovered that oldness was a function of how long an individual had been alive."

In Namath's view, this led to a dark age for the "world's oldest person" title. “The idea that the title would based on longevity alone is age discrimination, plain and simple.”

In spite of Fox's elimination of this outdated system, Namath has some worries about the show. “We should be extremely concerned about the frequency with which the oldest person in the world has been dying,” he said. “Baines's oldest-person predecessor died in January, and the previous one passed away last November. That means the oldest person in the world has been dying at a rate of more than once every four months.”

There has been much speculation regarding why the world's oldest person dies so often, but Namath believes there is a simple explanation. “It's the pressure,” he said. “You've lived 115 years, and suddenly people all over the world know about you? For someone who was born in 1895, the existence of mirrors is hard enough to wrap your head around. Seeing a Wikipedia page about your 115-year-old self is the kind of thing that will make an egg salad out of your already scrambled brains.”

However, Nancy Wiley, Age Historian at the University of Tennessee, points out that the second- and third-oldest people have died just as frequently. “What that shows, I think, is that the danger is a result of simply being on an 'oldest persons' list at all,” Wiley said. “What we need is to do away with these lists.”

Wiley believes that, lists aside, these supercentenarians could be the key to what is seen as the holy grail of medical research: a cure for old age. “Clearly, these people have some sort of immunity to oldness. We need to be going through their gene sequence to determine whether there are any clues that could point us toward a treatment or a vaccine.”

Despite initial difficulties recruiting contestants due to the high likelihood of the winner's death, Fox executives have fielded a cast of 25 men and women between the ages of 31 and 102, who will fly to Belize, where shooting will begin on October 12. Episodes, which will hit the air in early 2010, will consist of a series of challenges, including dune-jumping, a two-minute underwater swim, and a memory contest. The winner of each challenge will be the individual who performs it in the oldest manner possible.

Executive producer Jerry Lankler expects the show to be a huge ratings winner this fall. He is already working on a spin-off, Deadest Person Alive—which, he noted, should not be confused with the ABC show formerly called Alivest Dead Person, which was later transformed into the hit show Corpses Do the Darnedest Things.

Johnny Nailon, 7, Thanks Jesus For Go Fish Victory

2009-10-01T10:45:00.000-07:00

by Benjo

Ever since ESPN started showing professional poker, I haven't followed my second favorite card sport, Go Fish. After reading the article below, I think I'll need to fix that.

After a stunning come-from-behind Go Fish victory, 7-year-old Johnny Nailon bowed his head in prayer, then spiked his cards.
“I want to thank Jesus for giving me that three of spades,” said Nailon, whose game against his brother, 11-year-old Damian, was his first ever. “I always told Damian Jesus liked me better, but this just proves it.”

Damian accused Johnny of cheating, suggesting that on more than one occasion, his younger brother peeked at the cards in the pile while he was going fish. Johnny refuted the accusation, saying, “It's not cheating if Jesus is trying to get you to do it.”

Christine Nailon, the boys' mother, agreed with Johnny. “Maybe if you'd gotten a better grade on your science test, Jesus would have let you win,” she told Damian after the game.

According to Mrs. Nailon, the tables turned when Johnny asked Damian if he had any jacks. Damian told Johnny to go fish. He fished a jack, jumped up, and yelled, “I fished my fucking wish!” repeating an exclamation he'd heard the previous week during his father's weekly game of Go Fish with his friends.

Since her children's game, Mrs. Nailon and her husband have been discussing Johnny's future. “For him to beat his older brother, who's much more experienced, in his first game, was a sign that Johnny's Go Fish talent runs deep,” she said. “We're going to take things one day at a time, but the prospect of a professional Go Fish career is exciting enough that we'd be crazy not to consider pulling Johnny out of school for it.”

Johnny will test the waters this Saturday, amongst an expected crowd of 200, mostly in their 50s and 60s, who will be competing for the title of “Go Shark” in the Greater Northeast Go Fish Tournament, where the top cash prize will reach $100,000.

Reports that Damian had converted to Judaism, as well as his apparent proclamation that “Moses and me are gonna kick Johnny's ass in H-O-R-S-E later on,” could not be confirmed as of press time.

Outbreak Feared After Second-Grade Class Infested With Cooties

2009-09-25T09:42:00.000-07:00

by Benjo

I spent some time in Burundi in college, so I can claim to have seen cooties ravaging a country first-hand. Trust me when I say that it is bone-chilling. Be careful, folks.

WOOSTER, OH—The World Health Organization has issued a level five pandemic alert following an incident in a second grade classroom that has led to what officials are calling the most serious cooties scare since the Ring Around the Rosie Panic of 1941.

As news of the infestation broke, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention scrambled to manufacture millions of doses of cooties vaccine.

“We are extremely well prepared for this,” said CDC spokesman Arnold Nierman. Despite the organization's inexperience in dealing directly with cooties since the vaccine was developed in 1949, Nierman pointed out recent successes in combating other sexually embarrassing diseases, or SEDs. Their quick response to the outbreak of Upside-Down Boob Syndrome in the mid-90s helped turn more than one million boobs rightside-up; the defeat of pubic alopecia later in the decade was a direct result of the organization's partnership with Hair Club for Men in creating the company's spinoff, Pubic Hair Club for Men.

The scare began at the second graders' recess, according to witnesses. “The kids were all completely fine when they came in this morning—no symptoms of cooties at all,” said teacher Maya Lane. “Then at recess, there was some commotion among the girls about Ethan N., but I figured it was nothing. So we went ahead with our regular Duck, Duck, Goose game—and bang. Cooties everywhere.”

The CDC this morning banned Duck, Duck, Goose, calling it “among the greatest dangers to public health that the human species has ever devised” due to the methodical touching of every person in the circle. According to the provisions of the heightened alert level, the sharing of juice boxes and crazy straws are also prohibited. As an additional precaution, men and boys are to temporarily refrain from crossing swords in public restrooms.

Fears of an outbreak are already beginning to grip the public. Becca Greenberg of East Saint Louis said, “I was talking to this really sweet guy at the bar last night. He was in med school; his beard was immaculate; he even quoted the Talmud. But I noticed he kept sort of angling himself so he was in the shadows. Finally we came into the light, and I saw why: he was completely covered with cooties.”

Brian Denson fears a similar fate. “I just got out of a two-year relationship. Cooties are the last thing I need,” said Denson, 29. “I had cooties for all of third grade, and I honestly don't think I got laid once that whole year.”

Nierman said those in Denson's situation need not worry. “Cooties are like chicken pox: if you had them as a kid, it is extremely unlikely that you will contract them again. However, adult cooties are tremendously more severe than pediatric cooties, so those who never had the disease and were not vaccinated should exercise extreme caution.”

Lines of patients waiting for the vaccine stretched for up to four blocks. “I'm afraid of needles, so this is the first vaccine I've ever gotten,” said Randi Lemongrass, who then administered the vaccination for a friend: “Circle, circle, dot, dot, now you've got the cootie shot.”

Ahmadinejad: "The Nile Is Not Just A River In Egypt"

2009-09-23T08:54:00.000-07:00

by Benjo

In his speech today at the United Nations, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said, "The Nile is not just a river in Egypt." He pointed out, "it also flows through Tanzania, Uganda, and Sudan, among others."

Ahmadinejad, who last week called the Holocaust "a lie," cited a survey that found that over 90% of Americans believe the Nile only flows through Egypt. "If the visions of these individuals were borne out, it would simply wipe stretches of the continent off the map," the Iranian leader said. Ahmadinejad offered to partner with these Americans in a project that would divert portions of the river through Israel. As of publication time, 90% of Americans could not be reached for comment on the Iranian president's offer.

More on this story as it develops.

Typo Leads To Military Coupe In Angola

2009-09-09T10:07:00.000-07:00

by Benjo

There has never been clearer evidence that the Pentagon's billion-dollar typography budget is money well-spent; the story below illustrates the type of national crisis that our elaborate spell-check system has been so successful in preventing.

LUANDA, ANGOLA – Following what many believe to be a typographical error in an email from Army Chief Kundy Pahiama, a military coupe was staged here last night.

The email from Pahiama, which was sent at 10:30 p.m. local time last night, lamented that “dealing with President Santos in a civil manner has proven impossible,” and concluded that “staging a military coupe at the Presidential Palace is the only viable option.”

Following the email, top generals scrambled throughout the night first to deck a coupe out in camouflage, and then, to assemble a stage in front of the palace on which the coupe would sit.

“Some people may ask, 'Why a military coupe? What is the significance of this?'” said one general who insisted on anonymity. “The answer is obvious: for too long, we have been fed up with the military sedans the President has made us drive.”

Asked if a typo was suspected, the general said, “Absolutely not. Pahiama got where he is on his spelling prowess. Besides,” he said, “what else would he have meant to write?”

The government, however, is taking the threat of a typo very seriously. Upon witnessing the coupe on stage this morning, the full resources of President Santos's staff were deployed to investigate whether a typo had occurred, and if so, what the intended message was. Many officials believe that Pahiama intended to impose a military coupon, which would have illegally given generals up to 50% off at retail stores such as Macy's or Bloomingdales.

If the coupe was indeed accidental, it would hardly be the first event in world history to be shaped by a typo. Martin Van Buren, the eighth President of the United States, is rumored never to have slept with his wife while in office because an adviser accidentally wrote him a memo informing him that he was only eligible for an erection every four years. The so-called Presidential Blueballs of 1837 is said to have cost Van Buren any chance at a second term.

More recently, President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe attempted in 1989 to instruct his generals to commit genocide, but accidentally wrote them a note requesting “gonocide” instead, leading them on a crusade to rid the world of gonorrhea. That crusade continues to this day.

In more recent United States history, an al-Qaeda cell in Chicago received a telegram instructing them to “glow up” the city's Sears Tower. What was intended to be a devastating terrorist attack instead turned into a dazzling light show.

The Angolan government is expected to reach a conclusion on last night's events sometime next week. The President released a short statement today indicating that until the report's release, “General Pahiama Will Be Suspended Without Pat.” This is expected to be a crippling blow for Pahiama, as “It's Pat” is the general's favorite movie.

New “Toferson” Products Offer Cannibals A Tasty Vegetarian Alternative

2009-09-08T17:40:00.000-07:00

by Benjo

Benjoblog has been on the vegetarian beat since shortly after our inception. But never has our meatless appetite been quite so whet as it is now that we get to deliver the news that the mock-meat-loving community is ready to accept a new cohort: veggie cannibals! Story follows.

Following years of success in offering a soy-based Thanksgiving alternative to non-meat-eaters, the Tofurky company has announced a new line of vegetarian human-flesh options for cannibals. Called Toferson, the fake-meat products will hit stores in early 2010.

The product line will include crunchy snack foods like False Teeth Crisps and imitation kitchen staples like Can't Believe It's Not Butt. Additional products, such as the Wiener Wiener, Cameltofu, and Mock Cock, were deemed too racy for supermarkets, and will be sold only in sex-oriented food stores.

The announcement was embraced by vegetarian cannibals—or anthratarians, as they prefer to be called—around the country.

“By nature, I eat people, but at heart, I have morals,” said Percy Felwether of North Dakota. “I believe a vegetarian diet is the ethically and environmentally appropriate way to live. But I still adore the tangy taste of cooked human flesh. Now, I finally have a way to reconcile my beliefs with my natural tendencies.”

The products are not without their critics, however. “We are completely opposed to the killing and eating of innocent animals,” said PETA spokesman Lyle Renfro. “But the killing and eating of humans is an entirely different story. Humans have caused more death, pain, and extinction to animals than any other species in the history of the world. So we embrace cannibalism--provided, of course, that the people being consumed are animal-killing meat-eaters.”

Renfro went on to say that, beyond simply opposing Toferson, PETA will launch a new Eat-A-Friend campaign next year to "encourage cannibalistic behaviors and hasten the demise of the planet's most cancerous species."

Supporters of the new products suggest that PETA's fears are misguided. “I have hundreds of friends who were always curious about the taste of human flesh, but were always squeamish about actually trying it out,” said Abbey Scottsdale, director of Eating Rights Now. “When they try Artificial Hip Burritos or Fakin' Belly Button Bacon, they'll see how delicious it is, and it just may inspire them to try the real thing. Eventually, this could bring about a whole new generation of anthratarians.”

If Scottsdale is right, Sandy Brackett of Rhode Island, to this point a human-flesh abstainer, could become a member of the new cannibal generation. “I was watching the Olympic Games last year, and I just kept thinking, 'Those gymnasts look absolutely delicious!'" Brackett said. "But every time I was tempted to head down to the gymnastics studio and sample the local flavors, I just never had the guts—pardon the pun. But with Toferson's Parallel Granola Bars offerings, I can finally find out what I'm missing.”

But to anthratarians like Felwether, the effect on the size of the anthratarian population is secondary. “I'm just a cannibal, but as long as I've lived, people have treated me like some kind of barbarian,” he said. “If getting this issue out in the open removes the taboo even a bit, it's a victory for everybody. Because for too long, this stigma that I carry has just been eating me alive.”

Out-fluenza: How To Keep The Flu Out Of Your Home This Season

2009-09-04T08:55:00.000-07:00

by Benjo

Hard as it is to believe, school is starting back up again. And that can only mean one thing: flu season is right around the corner. With this year's added peril of swine flu, it's more important than ever to be vigilant. Here are a few pointers to help you keep yourself and your family flu-free this fall.

Hand-washing
It is well known that the easiest way to avoid the flu is to wash your hands regularly. But studies show that under 10% of Americans are familiar with proper hand-washing technique. To be sure your hands are actually staying germ-free, follow these steps:

Turn the water on using the back of your hand.
Apply soap.
Wet your hands.
Apply soap again.
Wash under your fingernails.
Rinse the soap off.
To ensure all bacteria are fully removed, cut off your hands.
Dry off your stumps using an air dryer--not some scummy paper towel dispenser!

Doorknobs
Doorknobs are prime breeding grounds for the flu. Therefore, it is essential to complete the following steps to avoid the dangers they pose:

Remove knobs from any doors you see.
Look in the yellow pages for any stores that might sell doorknobs. If you find any, these are the types of extenuating circumstances in which arson is perfectly reasonable. (Make sure to use the type of fire that burns doorknobs, obviously.)
If you break wind, and someone yells "doorknob," kill them immediately.

Reader Phyllis, of San Francisco, writes, "The neighborhood I live in is called Nob Hill. This is a different spelling...not to mention, it's just a name. So I'm okay, right?" Wrong. Your neighborhood is infested. Burn all your belongings and flee to Uzbekistan.

Schoolchildren
Schools are the easiest place for flu to spread. If your kids are enrolled in a school, it is recommended that you have them deported. If you see a little boy walking the streets with a schoolbag, assemble a mob to shame the boy and call him what he is: a bioterrorist.

In the event of flu
Reader Lesley writes, "Let's say I do get sick. Should I stay home?" The last thing we need in a flu epidemic is a sissy. Be a man, Lesley. And if you're a woman, get a sex change, then be a man. If you are a man, get a name change, because in the face of what could be the most devastating flu season in history, this Lesley crap ain't gonna fly.

Final thoughts
Realistically, anytime you go to work, or to school, or to the grocery store, or to the bank, you're exposing yourself to some risk of coming home with the flu. The best course of action, then, is to never go anywhere or do anything--for the rest of your life if possible, but at least for the duration of flu season.

But for a few of us, this is an impossibility. For those few, I offer that flu season is a misnomer; this is ambiguity season. By that, I mean that the uncertainty over whether you have caught the flu is far more dangerous than actually catching it. In other words, find someone with the flu and inhale their sneeze, for the last thing you want is a season-long case of anxiety. Because, to paraphrase FDR, the only thing we have to flu is flu itself.

Poll: Americans Eager To Get Screwed Over Even More On Health Care

2009-08-20T08:55:00.000-07:00

by Benjo

You hear a lot of noise about the opponents of health care reform. But this poll should put to rest any doubts that they have their heads on straight.

Faced with crushing health care costs, record numbers of uninsured, and a squeeze caused by the recession, Americans want to see the country's health care system get even worse, a new survey shows.
The poll found that an overwhelming majority of Americans oppose efforts by Congress and President Obama to reform the system.

“A shitty health-care system is one of the things that makes this country great,” said Dale Lander, of Sheridan, Arkansas. “You want to live in a country where you're guaranteed cheap health care? Move to France.”

Dotty Rausch, of Wichita, also opposes a mandate for health insurance coverage. “This is just another case where the government is stepping into our lives, telling us what to do. I believe illness is a choice. And I will not let government take away my right to be sick and not have the means to do anything about it.”

Lander and other opponents of reform nonetheless support some elements of the White House's plan. “My big things are high costs and lack of coverage, so I am in opposition, let's get that clear,” Lander said. “But I have also long been a death panel advocate, so I was heartened to hear that they would be included in the bill.” Lander added, “I used to be a major supporter of Sarah Palin, but the fact that she is against the death panels is making me reconsider.”

Ned Bailey, of Waterford, Michigan, was among the 3% whose top priority for a health package was universal coverage. “I have been bankrupt, been made to suffer, and will probably someday be killed by this awful health care system,” Bailey said. “That 47 million people have been able to completely avoid this shitshow is simply unfair. Let's make them endure it with the rest of us.”

Decrease In Acceleration Of Rise In Unemployment Falls, Leaving Economists Arguing Over What Actually Happened

2009-08-18T08:49:00.000-07:00

by Benjo

Dizzying news:

The decreasing rate of acceleration of rising unemployment went down this month, leaving economists reeling in an effort to determine whether this was a good or a bad thing. “The accelerating rise in unemployment went down. That means people aren't losing their jobs as quickly,” said Branford Wilhelm of the University of Chicago. "That's good." But Jacoby Roughrider, of Princeton, disagreed, pointing out that “this is the decrease in acceleration of the rise in unemployment. That means the acceleration went up.” At his press briefing on Monday, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said, “President Obama has not articulated a position on whether these numbers are what we want or what we don't want." But Gibbs denied charges that Obama was non-committal on not avoiding allowing a decrease in the rise of unemployment not to increase by the end of 2010, pointing out that “The President considers that one of his lowest non-priorities.”

Man Missing For 20 Years Surfaces, Is Declared Winner Of Hide-And-Seek Game

2009-08-12T10:57:00.000-07:00

by Benjo

When I was a kid, I remember losing myself for days at a time in a game of Parsec, but this guy takes the idea of getting lost in a game to a whole different level.

Jake Litton, who has been missing since 1989, finally appeared on Tuesday, giving his family some long-awaited relief and putting an end to what historians are calling the longest hide-and-seek game ever played.
Litton's older brother, Danny, who now goes by Dan, and neighborhood youths Mike Danforth and Gilly Richardson, all came out of their hiding spots after an hour or so on the day the game began, when it was time for dinner. But Jake stayed put—until now.
“No one ever said, 'Come out, come out, wherever you are,'” Jake said. “So I assumed the game was still going.”
Jake came up with the idea for his hiding spot while eating breakfast on the day of the game. “No one would ever think to check there, so I knew it would be a winner,” he said. He declined to reveal the location of the hiding spot, citing his desire to use it again in future games.
“People think it would be boring, but to be honest, it was the best 20 years of my life,” Jake said. “Yes, I spent puberty in a hiding spot, but so does everyone, in a sense.”
Jake finally made the decision to come out when he smelled French toast. “I love my mom's French toast,” he said, “and I was really hungry—you know, since I've just been living on bugs and whatever else crawled by for 20 years.”
However, when he came downstairs for breakfast, he was met with disappointment. “It ended up being someone else's mom's French toast. Turns out my parents sold the house twelve years ago. The kid gave me a bite, though, so it's all good.”
“I'm relieved that my little brother's still alive,” said Dan Litton, who is now a commodities trader at Goldman Sachs. “But the idea that he won the game is total crap. We stopped for dinner, not because anyone ever found me. Hell, if I'd wanted, I probably could've lasted 20 years in my hiding spot, too.”
At 29 years old, but with only a third-grade education, Jake is not sure what he will do with his life. His first priority, he says, is to get his brother and the other kids in the neighborhood together for another game of hide-and-seek. “I was the winner,” he said. “So it's my turn to be it.”

Health Care FAQ: Separating Fact From Fiction

2009-08-10T19:05:00.000-07:00

by Benjo

If you've been following the debate on health care reform, you know that a lot of half-truths, rumors, and flat-out lies are going around. Today, the White House published an FAQ to sort out what's true from what's not. Since they couldn't get to all the questions, I answered a few below.

Is Obama's health care plan socialism?
No. People throw the word socialism around a lot these days. What they tend to forget, though, is that our highways, fire departments, and postal service have been government-run for decades. To suggest that the existence of a public health care option will suddenly turn the United States into a socialist nation is preposterous: we're already there. The word for where this health care plan will leave us is Communism.

Is it true that the health care plan would kill our babies, or establish “death panels,” as former Alaska governor Sarah Palin has suggested?
Absolutely not. The government's confiscation of all first-borns will eliminate the need for any such death panels.

Is it true that Obama's health care plan would result in the euthanization of many elderly citizens?
This one is patently false. Euthanasia is the choice to actively put a person to death. Obama's plan would deny treatment to a person, so that the person withers away passively—i.e., on their own time. This is not euthanasia, and it is completely unfair to the president to suggest otherwise. Any pro-lifer would surely tell you that, just as abortion is a sin because it interferes with God's will, Obama's plan is ethically sound because it allows God's will to be followed.

Is Obama Hitler?
Since he has not released his birth certificate, there is no way to know for sure. But the Obama-Hitler comparisons made in recent days by Rush Limbaugh and others do have major factual problems. For instance, Hitler killed 6 million Jews, Polish Christians, gypsies, homosexuals, and handicapped individuals. Obama's plan, on the other hand, would allow all elderly persons to perish equitably, without regard to color or creed.

Five Particles Dead, Four Injured In Giant Particle Collision At Hadron

2009-08-06T09:38:00.000-07:00

by Benjo

My heart goes out to the families of the particles.

Geneva Police are reporting five particles dead and four injured in a giant particle collision at Hadron, the particle accelerator that was switched on in Switzerland last fall. This marks the latest in a string of recent setbacks at Hadron. The previous one occurred at a ceremony last month for the unveiling of the enormous sign in front of Hadron, when it was discovered that the placement of the D and R had been accidentally switched.

Life of the Party: A Short Story by Benjo

2009-08-03T19:42:00.000-07:00

by Edward J. Albenstein

I may be Benjoblog's official writer-in-residence, but by no means am I the only wordsmith around here: Benjo, it turns out, is a wonderful fiction writer.

Read his new short story, Life of the Party, at bengreenfield.com.

Steering Wheel Use Found To Be Associated With Traffic Accidents

2009-07-27T19:47:00.000-07:00

by Benjo

I'm posting this article for the benefit of any of you who might be drivers. These days, people will use their steering wheel without a second thought, leaving neither hand free. Be careful out there.

Distractions from steering wheels cause tens of thousands of car accidents each year, according to a new study by statisticians Richard French and Ainsley Waring. Their research, which will be published in next month's issue of Science, finds that steering wheels are a factor in 95 percent or more of traffic accidents.

The study found that hands-free steering wheel use is not any better, as drivers may become complacent, with the expectation that their car will steer itself.

Despite the study's findings, many have continued to use their steering wheel, angering public-safety advocates. “It is not fair to the other drivers on the road for you to put their lives at risk so you can have a few seconds of convenience,” said highway patroller Mike Cary. “You need to use your steering wheel? Fine. But pull over before you do it.”

However, any choice regarding steering-wheel use is likely to leave the public's hands soon—literally. The Senate Committee on Commerce, Science and Transportation has scheduled hearings on a steering-wheel ban for just after the August recess, and are expected to pass legislation by the end of the year.

But some public-safety advocates complain that a steering-wheel ban does not go far enough. “Engines, ignitions, gas pedals, and drivers' seats provide just as much of a hazard to drivers,” said Terry McCourt, of Car Safety Now. “Not until these features are removed is a car really safe.”

The study is posed to reopen other long-closed issues of car safety as well. An analysis published in the Economist this week shows that nearly all deaths previously assumed to be alcohol-related appear also to have included a steering wheel, raising questions about whether it was the alcohol or the steering wheel that caused the accident.
Despite the overwhelming evidence supporting its conclusions, the study continues to face some skepticism. "I've been driving for thirty years and using a steering wheel that whole time," said Florette Watkins, 42. "It sure doesn't seem dangerous to me." However, French, one of the co-authors of the study, attributed Watkins's statement to a common logical fallacy. "Causation does not imply correlation," French pointed out.

French and Waring are best-known for their landmark 2006 study that proved that the administration of last rites was the leading cause of death in Catholics. Waring is currently working on the follow-up to his 2008 bestseller, Those Who Breathe, Die.

Army Developing Unmanned Targets For Use In Afghanistan

2009-07-23T08:26:00.000-07:00

by Benjo

I was as devastated as you were by the news that Congress halted production of the F-22. Thankfully, we have ourselves an Army that's incredibly diligent about coming up with urgent new technologies that require our funding, so we don't have to worry about the government ending up with extraneous cash. Here's an excerpt of an article about one such innovation:

Following the success of unmanned aerial vehicles such as the Predator, the U.S. Army has been developing a high-tech unmanned target. Called the Prey, the targets are expected to be deployed in the treacherous region between Afghanistan and Pakistan as early as December.

The drone targets will be self-powered, requiring no human control, but will otherwise function identically to traditional targets.

“They will be spotted, targeted, attacked, and destroyed in exactly the same way as if they were manned; however, there will be no casualties,” said Jackson Wallace of Raytheon, the defense contractor developing the Prey.

When asked what the practical purpose of the drone targets will be, an Army spokesperson pointed out that that was a good question.

Judge Sentenced To 2 Years After Defendant Invokes “I'm Rubber, You're Glue” Provision

2009-07-22T09:35:00.000-07:00

by Benjo

My thoughts are with the judge's family:

Judge Harold S. Marsh of Prescott, Minnesota, was sentenced to two years in prison yesterday after defendant Michael Holcomb invoked the “I'm rubber, you're glue” provision, which allows a statement to bounce off of a listener and stick to its speaker. Holcomb, whose trial had previously been suspended due to an inflagration of a witness's pants believed to have been caused by a lie told on the witness stand, was released shortly after the sentence was announced. Authorities say he will face no further prosecution for his crime of stealing the cookies from the cookie jar.

Chief Justice Roberts To Break Up Supreme Court, Pursue Solo Career

2009-07-21T07:49:00.000-07:00

by Benjo

I'm devastated--the Supreme Court was always my favorite court, but I've never gotten a chance to see them live. I'll definitely go check out Roberts, but without Justices Breyer and Scalia on backing questions, it just won't be the same.

The Supreme Court of the United States will break up at the end of the term, allowing front man and Chief Justice John Roberts to pursue a solo career, sources say.

“John has felt like the Court has really been holding him back creatively,” said Edward Stapleton, a former clerk for Roberts who is close to the Chief Justice. “He does believe there are a lot of strong justices on the Court, don't get me wrong; but he is clearly the most talented. And he's definitely got the star power to make it as a solo justice.”

The Supreme Court has been together for 220 years, and has had rotating lineups throughout that time. Indeed, the Court currently includes none of its founding members, but has nonetheless continued to adjudicate under the original Supreme Court name.

According to law professor James Wicket, “They're like Santana in that way: you might have a new keyboardist, or Associate Justice, or what have you, but the ethos is the same.” Wicket noted that “The group Santana does have that guy Carlos Santana, who's been with them the whole time. Now there is no Carlos Supreme. But if there was, it would be Roberts, no question. He is the Court's backbone.”

Stapleton, the former clerk, and others have confirmed that Roberts has considered adjudicating under the moniker Carlos Supreme. As for what he will adjudicate, Stapleton said that Roberts is not opposed to re-adjudicating some of the classic cases from his days with the Court, but he will focus on new material.

According to Stapleton, Chief Justice Roberts had been pondering the decision to go solo since the Morse v. Frederick case in 2007. “He wrote the majority opinion, and thought the case was going to be huge,” Stapleton said. “But in the end, he felt that Justice Stevens's dissent prevented the case from becoming the huge hit that it could have been.”

Since joining the Court in 2005, Roberts has steered it in a direction that distinguished it from the Courts of preceding decades. “He was never interested in the synthesized stuff in the Court's opinions from the 80s—he found it, frankly, cheesy,” Stapleton said. “Ditto the grunge Court of the 90s. He's always been an independent guy, so it makes perfect sense that the Roberts Court has been the indie court.”

Despite the increased independence that Roberts will now enjoy, many question the wisdom of the breakup. Legal historian Linus Loriander points out that other justices have pursued solo careers in the past, only to find that their formulas did not work as well without their backing justices.

“They often find their courthouses empty within a few years. When you're accustomed to the roar of the giant crowds in the Supreme Court Chamber, that's hard to take,” Loriander said, noting that over half of justices who pursue solo careers end up reuniting with their original Court within a few years.

But some claim that visibility has nothing to do with the breakup. According to one Supreme Court clerk, Roberts's reasons for quitting are related more to his personal habits.

“It's the partying, period,” said the clerk. “Having been backstage at the Court, I can honestly say I've never seen anything like it. The celebrities, the intoxication, the groupies—all of whom flock to Roberts.” The clerk continued, “When his wife left him, that was a blow. When he had to go to rehab, it hurt, for certain. But I think the moment when it became crystal clear that the Roberts train had to stop was when the Chief Justice found himself blowing lines off Ruth Bader Ginsburg's tits.”

Spearmint-Filled Cigarette Helps Gum Addicts Beat Their Habit

2009-07-13T09:19:00.000-07:00

by Benjo

I'm not a gum chewer, but this will surely be welcome news for some of you. Now if they'd only make a cigarette that will help me beat my addiction to Gossip Girls!

In an effort to wean heavy chewers off of gum, Philip Morris has recently introduced Bubbarette, a cigarette filled with spearmint leaves and other gum-flavored fillings.

“In months of testing, Bubbarette helped over 95% of chewers beat their addiction,” said company spokesman Donald Middlecross. “The cigarettes are safe, they're tasty, and they leave your clothes smelling minty-fresh. And best of all, they won't rot the teeth like gum, so even kids can smoke them.”

Indeed, as some of the most dedicated gum chewers, children are expected to be some of the heaviest Bubbarette smokers.

Pediatrician Jay Gorman says this is a good thing. “If kids smoke Bubbarettes, it's probably the most effective way to ensure that they don't develop a lifelong dependency on one of the most harmful habits out there: chewing gum.”

Third-grade teacher Dina Withers says that Bubbarettes will also help keep order in her classroom. “I'm thrilled. I'm never going to have to get on my knees and pick a cigarette off the bottom of a desk, because they don't stick. Plus, Bubbarettes have made my classroom smell delicious.”

Critics warn of the dangers of second-hand mint. Studies have shown that being in the same room as someone who has smoked seven Bubbarettes will leave an individual's breath just as minty as if she had smoked one Bubbarette herself.

Such criticisms have not derailed Philip Morris's efforts, however. Bubbarette (formerly known as Ciga Yum) currently exists in just spearmint and peppermint, but the company will soon add three more flavors: Cotton Candy; FruitStripe, which is a striped cigarette; and Sour Blueberry, which colors the tongue blue when smoked.

Bubbarettes work by gradually weaning chewers off of gum over the course of 12 weeks. While the first cigarettes are 100% mint leaves, mint is gradually removed and replaced by tobacco. By the twelfth week, the cigarettes are pure tobacco. Philip Morris recommends that chewers continue to smoke even after the twelfth week to prevent relapses.

“The gradual nature of the Bubbarette system has been key to my efforts to quit chewing,” said Darren Leonard of Wabash. “I tried to quit cold-turkey once, but the withdrawals were too intense. Now, I'm only two weeks away from the end of my program, and it feels great. I've never sat in the non-chewing section at a restaurant before. Now I'll finally have my chance.”

Leonard mentioned that, as the cigarettes have become filled with less mint and more tobacco, he has begun craving the cigarettes. “I don't know why that's happening, but it's fine with me,” Leonard said with a laugh. “Whatever it takes to get me off this nasty gum kick.”

Congress To Be Renamed After Corporate Sponsors

2009-07-02T06:53:00.000-07:00

by Benjo

I've always been a proponent of spicing up the names of the houses of Congress. To that effect, I might have preferred something like the Tabasco Senate, or Dave's Insanity Senate. But this is a step in the right direction. An excerpt of the article:

Amid continuing financial woes, President Barack Obama signed into law the Congressional Nomenclature Amendment Act, which will provide corporate sponsorship for both houses of Congress.

In accordance with the new law, when Congress reconvenes on July 6 following their Independence Day recess, they will do so as the Verizon Senate and the International House of Representatives, or IHOR.

The bill, which will not directly plug spending holes in any government programs, but will instead provide $12.2 million to finance pay increases for members of Congress, passed the Senate last week by a 98-0 margin.

The move brought criticism from government watchdog groups, who worried about conflicts of interest. “Is a Senator going to be able to vote on a telecom bill that hurts Verizon?” asked Congress Watch spokesman Brian Levin. “We think not.”

Congressman Trent Franks of Arizona, a member of the Dunkin' Donuts Republican Party, disagreed. “Voters elected us in part because they know we have integrity. Why should the name of the building we're in change that?”

John Kerry, the USAir Junior Senator from Massachusetts, agreed with Franks. “Saying my legislation will be favorable to telecoms because I'm working in the Verizon Senate is like saying that Carlos Pena's home runs will be favorable to orange juice because he plays in Tropicana Field. It just doesn't make sense,” Senator Kerry said. “Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go hold a hearing on airline subsidies.”

Already, some conflicts have arisen. The General Motors Corporation is said to be interested in sponsoring its main subsidiary, Government Motors, which the federal government took over and renamed earlier this year. If that and GM's proposed sponsorship of the Department of Motor Vehicles move forward, sources say that the latter will be renamed the General Motors Government Motors Department of Motor Vehicles.
The sponsoring companies saw the deal as a major boost for business. "We project this will lead to millions in additional annual revenues," said IHOP spokesman James Schwenker. Schwenker denied reports of remaining tension from an earlier version of the deal that fell through, saying, "Sure, in an ideal world, we would have liked them to take the name International House of Representative-cakes. But all in all, we are very happy with how things have ended up."

Grocery Store Admits To Slowing Down Whichever Aisle Betty Lewis Is In

2009-06-27T12:38:00.000-07:00

by Benjo

I swear this happens to me at my grocery store, too. I am so going to catch those MFers, just like Betty!

Betty Lewis always thought she just had bad luck. “I always try to pick the shortest aisle at Dillon's, but it always seems to turn out being the slowest one,” said Lewis, 63, of Motterville.

But as it turns out, luck had nothing to do with it. On Tuesday, police arrested Dillon's Grocery owner Matthew Richards on charges of a months-long conspiracy to slow down Lewis's aisle each time she visited the store.

In a statement, MVPD spokesman Randall Mink called the plot the largest grocery-store crime in history. By the time of the Dillon's arrest, authorities believe that up to 90% of the town's population had become complicit in the plot. However, Mink tried to tamp down fears that similar crimes would arise involving town-wide efforts to inconvenience a specific individual. “To be clear, this was in no way connected to or inspired by the 2004 plot in which Highway 54 drivers conspired to ensure that Ted Davis's lane would always be the slow one, even when Davis switched lanes. All evidence points to this being the only current conspiracy involving 90% of the town.”

A Dillon's customer who was involved with the conspiracy, who spoke only on condition of anonymity, opposed the MVPD's decision to disrupt the plot. “This was something my friends and I looked forward to—it was a community-building activity. Just like public sacrifices back in the day. I mean, if we could bring public sacrifices, I'd be all for it. But we can't, so this is the next best thing.”

Lewis herself found a silver lining in the news of the conspiracy, in the form of vindication. After years of watching complaints to friends about her bad luck fall on deaf ears, Lewis's credibility has reached new heights.

Peggy Danforth, a member of Lewis's bridge club, said, “I used to just tell Betty she thought she had luck because she'd focus on the bad times.” But after hearing of the arrests, Danforth's feelings changed. “She was right all along. And I feel horrible for having doubted her all this time.”

Danforth expressed openness to giving Lewis the benefit of the doubt on other claims she had previously considered dubious. “Betty thought that Obama was making eyes at her during the speech he made at the high school during the campaign. Over and over she said, 'He was checking me out, he was checking me out! I think he has the hots for me.' That sort of thing. I thought she was out of her mind. But now? It's hard to be sure.”

Lewis was grateful for her newfound credibility. “Now I can tell my grandkids that Obama and I almost had an affair. It's wonderful,” she said. “We probably wouldn't have kids, Obama and me—I mean at my age.” Her voice trailed off. “But who knows?”

“He's doing a wonderful job,” Lewis said. “I will say, I wasn't crazy about that dog he picked. But we can deal with that when the time comes, if I end up moving in to the White House.”

Lewis said she has not spoken to President Obama since the conspiracy was uncovered, but she did hire an artist to create a simulation of her and Obama's offspring. “He's a beautiful baby,” Lewis said. “And I'll tell you what: he wouldn't have any trouble getting through the grocery aisle. You know, being the President's son.”

Dick Cheney To Open Guantanamo Bay Yoga Retreat

2009-06-20T14:41:00.000-07:00

by Benjo

An amazing report about the former Vice President's next project:

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, growing nostalgic for his purview over the Guantanamo Bay detention facility, has decided, in the free time he now enjoys as a private citizen, to open the Guantanamo Bay Yoga Retreat in his native Wyoming. The center, which is said to be the first yoga retreat in history to be surrounded by barb wire, is set to open this fall.

The retreat will teach a new discipline of yoga, authorized by Cheney, called Sivitanga, which roughly translates to Enhanced Interrogation Yoga Techniques. Like Bikram Yoga, Sivitanga is practiced at high temperatures. But while Bikram's 100-degree temperatures are intended to maximize blood circulation and calorie burning, Sivitanga is practiced at 225 degrees, so that its practitioners might be boiled alive.

While only four of the 22 students who took part in Sivitanga test sessions last week passed away as a result of the heat, session coordinator Anya Delylo predicted that that number would rise after the retreat opened. “These test sessions were conducted with some of the nation's finest yogis. As we accept students at Gitmo Yoga whose bodies are less toned, it is inevitable that many will reach terminal nirvana, or death, as a result of the sessions.”

The harshness of the techniques has resulted in criticism for Cheney's retreat even before it has opened.

“Let's call these disgusting techniques what they are: yoga,” said Red Cross spokesman Robert Bonner. “When the Khmer Rouge lined up dissidents in the streets and had them do the Bound Butterfly, it was yoga. When Mao took scholars out to the countryside and forced them to assume the Cobra Pose, it was yoga. This whole notion that it's yoga when other countries do it, but not when we do, is preposterous.”

The Red Cross teamed with other human rights organizations around the world in publishing an open letter calling on President Obama to ban Sivitanga, insisting that it violates the terms of the UN Convention on Yoga.

Cheney vehemently denied that the techniques constitute yoga, insisting that the word was used ironically in the name of his retreat. “The United States does not commit yoga. Period. These techniques were carried out in a manner that was humane, well-monitored, and conducive to increasing flexibility while improving general health.”

Student Ashley James, of Los Angeles, concurred. “I loved loved loved the waterboarding pose,” she said. “With all that heat in the room, it feels so good to have a little water sprinkled on you." James continued, "All of the survivors—or students, or whatever—were talking after the session, and we all agreed this is the most incredible kind of yoga we've ever taken part in. I just wish there was a Sivitanga studio near my apartment. If I could do Sivitanga after work and hit Jamba Juice on the way home? Ugh, it would be heaven on earth.”

Rose McDonald, of the Park Slope neighborhood of Brooklyn, agreed with Ms. James. “These new techniques are amazing. The limb-stretching exercises, and just the strain of being shackled for hours at a time, really helped me to get those last few pounds off after the pregnancy.”

According to one former advisor to the Vice President, Cheney decided to set up a yoga center within the week following the attacks of September 11. Another official close to the former Vice President suggested that, following his exit from public office, Cheney became obsessed with the idea that there was a connection between 9/11 and yoga instructors.

This account squares with descriptions of sitings of the former Vice President at the test sessions. “I saw him wandering through the hallway, all crazy-eyed,” said Will Rudy. “He was approaching every yoga instructor he saw—with his eyes, seriously, like darts—trying to get them to cough up information on where Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction were hidden.”

“I can't get over how creepy it was looking into those eyes,” Rudy said. “It was, like, torture.”

ATM Fees Begin to Exceed Withdrawal Amounts

2009-06-12T12:22:00.000-07:00

by Benjo

Not sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, it seems wrong to go to an ATM and not get any money back because the fee is greater than the amount you want to withdraw. But on the other hand, ATMs are really convenient.

Rising ATM fees are nothing new. But recently, some patrons who try to withdraw cash from an ATM have been met with a surprise: the fees are actually larger than the amount of money they're trying to withdraw.

“The other day, I was trying to take twenty dollars out of my account,” said Chad Denton, 33. “But the ATM fee, as it turned out, was $25, so the ATM just subtracted the difference, and I didn't end up getting any cash back.” Denton, a Bank of America account holder, said, “I actually have to get five bucks to B of A now.”

Millie Davis, a Bank of America spokesperson, confirmed that Denton's experience was expected. “At some of our branches, fees reach as high as $30,” said Davis. “If customers are interested in receiving money, they will have to withdraw more than that. If they fail to do so, as was true in Mr. Denton's case, they will end up owing us money.”

Davis attributed the rising fees to the increasingly sophisticated touch-screen technology used by the machines. “The touch screens literally provide a tangible benefit to our customers,” she said. “Customers always have the option of a no-fee ATM that doesn't have a touch screen: it's called a mattress.”

A spokesperson for Sealy confirmed Davis's claim, but indicated that the mattress company is looking into the possibility of imposing fees each time a customer withdraws money from under a mattress.

Despite the increasing costs of using an ATM, customers remain undeterred from using them. “It's just so convenient to have a place on my block where I can just get money,” Denton said. “I mean, sure, I didn't actually get any money this time around, but still, the convenience makes it worth it.”

In an effort to make customers' ATM experiences even more convenient, Davis said, Bank of America will soon begin offering receipts of their transactions to customers who pay a mere $5 fee.

The Pun-Jokes

2009-05-27T19:53:00.000-07:00

by Szabe

Benjo write the post about joke for mother. I give my mother a joke once: my school card!

My favorite jokes for mom was always the pun. The pun the only joke that give you all the funny to the humor, with language, and then so you think.

Here is my favorite Hungarian pun-jokes from growing up.

What the difference is of a doggie with three foots and a mailman with three letters? The doggie with three foots have three paws, and the mailman with three letters have three mails!
Did you heard about the man who ask his wife why she make so many jokes lately? She say she been trying to do more “humor”ous.
When you cross a monkey with a pencil you get what? A monkcil.
The lawyer prepare all week for his court case. He get ready notes and he get ready arguments. He talk to the witness and he look at the stories from before cases. He perfectly ready him for everything. Then the court case come, and he lose.
What the definition of war is? The struggle on the battlefield between the states or nations for the particular ends.
What does it call a kitchen with two refrigerates? A two-fridge kit chin!

Johnny Baker Goes to Room, But Refuses To Think About What He's Done

2009-05-21T20:09:00.000-07:00

by Benjo

Just caught a snippet of this story on the news, but this was the only coverage of it I could find online. Links to more detailed stories would be appreciated--I can't believe organized crime is starting so young.

PINE BLUFFS, WY--Last Thursday night, after her son Johnny played with his food at the dinner table, Sandy Baker ordered Johnny to go to his room and think about what he'd done. Johnny dutifully proceeded to his room and shut the door. But according to local authorities, he neglected to think about what he'd done. Police spokesman Walter Dingle said it was initially suspected that Johnny, 7, was part of a local ring of children behind a recent wave of crimes involving a refusal to eat their vegetables. However, investigators eventually confirmed that Johnny acted alone. Since this is Johnny's first offense, he will not face prison time. But Dingle said that a repeat offense could land Johnny in his room for up to three hours with no chance of dessert.

Obama Calls Republicans' Bluff, Appoints Jesus to Supreme Court

2009-05-20T20:40:00.000-07:00

by Benjo

A stunning pick. See below.

WASHINGTON, D.C.--Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell made headlines last week when he promised that Republicans would oppose President Barack Obama's eventual Supreme Court nominee. But in a move that strategists are calling political masterwork, Obama will call Republicans' bluff, nominating Jesus Christ to the Court early next week.

McConnell could not be reached for comment on the decision. But according to Republican strategist Mike Murphy, the political calculus is nearly impossible.

“On the one hand, if you vote for confirmation, you're backtracking on last week's promise, which is extremely embarrassing,” Murphy said. “On the other hand, if you vote against confirmation, you just voted no on fricking Jesus Christ.”

But even if He wins the support of some Republicans, Christ, the son of God, faces an uphill confirmation battle. Already, critics have questioned His eligibility for the Court, claiming that “natural-born” cannot apply to resurrections.

Others expressed concern over expectations about Jesus's legal decisions. Abortion-rights groups worry that Jesus, a fierce pro-life advocate during His days on Earth, could tip the Court towards overturning Roe v. Wade.

On school prayer, another hot-button issue for the Court in recent years, left-wing groups worry about a potential conflict of interests, since many of the prayers would be to Him.

Jesus's backers fiercely refute such claims. According to Heaven spokesman St. Peter, “Jesus understands that when He trades in His heavenly robe for His judicial robe, He's also trading in the word of God for the word of the Constitution.”

St. Peter added, “He will be an impartial judge, and He will not rule from the bench, unlike some of His liberal colleagues.”

Some, though, have difficulty with the details of Christ's career shift.

“I've spent my life as a dedicated follower of His work,” said John Tucker, a pastor near Tuscaloosa. “But now that He's supporting Obama's socialist agenda, I'm out.” Tucker does not know what he'll do now, but says, “I heard that Mohammed had some good things to say about same-sex marriage, so I'll definitely be checking their thing out.”

Other religious leaders were more optimistic. “I think it's silly that He's not Chief Justice, don't get me wrong,” said Bishop Matthew Landry of San Diego. “But let's face it, we've got another Republican joining the court. We should be happy.”

President Obama would not confirm the selection, but praised Jesus. “Jesus is someone who has a reputation for being a pragmatic leader, and who has always been a beacon of light on issues of justice. He is someone who has been an influence on me, particularly with respect to his ability to cross party lines to get things done.” Obama expressed hope that his eventual nominee will be quickly confirmed by the Senate.

Many analysts predict that Christ's confirmation will depend on His performance in confirmation hearings, as well as details that emerge about His earlier work. Christ's opposition to abortion, same-sex marriage, and stem-cell research are well known. But Republican operatives are poring through the Bible for hints about His views on states' rights, originalist readings of the Constitution, and Guantanamo detainees' habeas corpus rights, among other issues.

Whether Republicans in Congress will fall in line remains to be seen. But no one was more ecstatic about the pick than Independent senator Joseph Lieberman of Connecticut. “Finally,” Lieberman said, “a Jew on the Supreme Court.”

Interview with Nathaniel Abramson of NASA

2009-05-12T19:39:00.000-07:00

by Benjo

Dr. Nathaniel Abramson is the director of the Extraterrestrial Life Exploration program at NASA, which is tasked with documenting and classifying any life on other planets in our solar system. I had the great fortune to speak with Dr. Abramson today.

BENJO: How are you doing today?

ABRAMSON: On a scale from 1 to 10, I'd say I'm somewhere between a 2 and a 9.

BENJO: That's a pretty broad range.

ABRAMSON: Narrowing it down even a little bit is what's important.

BENJO: Fair enough. So how is the life exploration coming along?

ABRAMSON: It's coming along well. Narrowing it down even a little bit is what's important.

BENJO: I'm sure. So have you actually found evidence of existing life on other planets?

ABRAMSON: Oh, sure. Tons.

BENJO: Is this—that's amazing. On which planet?

ABRAMSON: Oh, all of them. Uranus—all of them.

BENJO: There's life on Uranus?

ABRAMSON: Ha ha ha, no—that was a joke, of course. But all the other planets, yes.

BENJO: Well this is incredible news. I don't think it had been reported in any news outlet to this point. Can you tell me a little bit about some of these life forms?

ABRAMSON: Well let's see. There are cats on Saturn, newts on Jupiter—

BENJO: I'm sorry, did you say there were cats on Saturn?

ABRAMSON: Certainly—I mean, they're not housetrained, so they need to be walked. But look, don't act like these cats are barbarians—they'll purr if you pat them. Tell me, are you a cat owner?

BENJO: I—no.

ABRAMSON: They're really wonderful pets. Everyone is so addicted to dogs, and I just don't understand it. I used to be a dog person, but after comparing Saturn with the pound that is Venus, I can safely say that cats are the better pet. You know, my friend's selling Abyssinians, if you're interested.

BENJO: I'm fine, thanks.

ABRAMSON: So Benjo, when did you get into blogging?

BENJO: I—this interview is supposed to be about the Extraterrestrial Life Exploration program. We can talk about my blogging afterward.

ABRAMSON: As you wish, Benjo. You know, the need to exercise absolute power is the surest sign of absolute weakness.

BENJO: Dr. Abramson, can you tell me about some of the other findings made by your team?

ABRAMSON: The greatest discovery was when we went to Neptune and found a sushi joint run by two-toed sloths.

BENJO: Okay, that is just blatantly false.

ABRAMSON: Believe what you want.

BENJO: Dr. Abramson, does the Extraterrestrial Life Exploration program even exist?

ABRAMSON: Yes. Well, no.

BENJO: Do you work for NASA?

ABRAMSON: I used to work in Nassau, in the Bahamas, taking pictures of vacationers with parrots on their shoulder.

BENJO: Sir, what do you do for a living now?

ABRAMSON: I sell insurance. Benjo, do you rent or own?

BENJO: That's irrelevant. I rent.

ABRAMSON: Do you have renter's insurance?

BENJO: No. I've been thinking about it, but anyway, look—

ABRAMSON: Thinking is for professors, Benjo. Thinking won't reimburse you for damaged property in the event of fire.

BENJO: I know.

ABRAMSON: Listen, for just $14.99 a month, my policy will cover you for the original value of damaged items in cases of fire, theft, and even some natural disasters.

BENJO: You said $14.99?

ABRAMSON: Sure did. Why don't you look over this brochure, let me know if you have any questions, and then we'll get you set up with this right away. You never know when disaster will strike, Benjo. You need to be prepared.

BENJO: I can't believe I'm doing this. Can I write you a check?

ABRAMSON: Absolutely. You'll need to put down $89.94 to cover the first six months.

BENJO: And who do I make it out to?

ABRAMSON: To NASA.

BENJO: Wait, but I thought—

ABRAMSON: Nat Abramson Sales and Actuary.

BENJO (laughing): Oh, that's rich.

ABRAMSON: Sure is.

BENJO: Well, Mr. Abramson, thank you so much for coming by today.

ABRAMSON: Thank you, Benjo. It's been a pleasure talking with you.

Etari

2009-05-11T20:51:00.000-07:00

by Benjo

Last week, at a Subway restaurant in Tehachapi, California, a cashier turned everything I thought I knew about vegetarianism on its head. My two friends had just paid for their Veggie Delite sandwiches, and I was doing the same. The conversation went as follows:

CASHIER: Three Veggie Delites, huh. Y'all are vegans?
ME: Vegetarians.
CASHIER: Right, vegans. Same thing.

I returned to my table and broke the news to my friends. “Fuck dick-a-shit ass ass ass!” Dan said.

“Dan,” I replied, “what are you talking about?”

“I'm sorry,” he replied, “but you know I curse unintelligibly when I find out I've been wrong about something for years.”

Zeke wiped a tear from his eye. “This is terrible, but how do we know she's not full of tofuloney? I mean, who is she, anyway?”

Dan snarled. “I'll tell you who she is: she's a food service careerwoman. That means it's her job to be a societal knowledge center when it comes to food-related issues.”

“Okay,” Zeke said, “you're right.”

“But not only that,” Dan said. “As a member of the native Tehachapi, she has a sixth sense when it comes to health and environmental issues that you and I can't even understand. They invented veganism long before the white man ever came along and turned it into a yuppie sport.”

“I know, I know,” Zeke said. “It's just that, well, the 'etari' was the most important part of my vegetarianism.”

“Well,” Dan replied, “you're going to have to let the 'etari' go. You're a vegan now.”

I chimed in. “Guys, I just have one problem with this. Isn't it a slippery slope?”

“Oh God,” Dan said. “You and your slippery slopes.”

“No, hear me out. I mean, who's to say the 'etari' is the only thing they strip from our vegetarianism? What's next, the 'eg'? if they got rid of that, we'd be vans.”

“We're not going to be vans,” Dan said. “Vans are already a type of shoes. If they tried to call us vans, it would be copyright infringement.”

“That's what you think,” barked a voice from the next table. We looked over and saw a grizzled truck driver in a flannel shirt and mesh hat. “That's what I used to tell the other caravanseraimobile drivers: 'They'll never call us van drivers—it'll be copyright infringement!'”

“Caravanseraimobile drivers?”

“That's right,” he said. “I used to drive soccer and lacrosse teams around in my caravanseraimobile. During the summer, I drove camp kids to the mountains for the day.”

He sighed. “But then one day, in 1957, I came into a Subway just like this one to get a few six-foot subs for the kids in the caravanseraimobile to share.”

“What happened?” Zeke asked.

“Well,” he said, “the young Tehachapi cashier asked, 'Is this for the kids in the caravanmobile?' I said, 'The kids in the caravanseraimobile.' She said, 'Right, caravanmobile. Same thing.'” He wiped his brow. “I brushed it off, thinking the woman was ignorant. But the next time I came in, they called it a caravan. It was then that I understood what was happening.”

“Wait,” Dan said. “Are you saying that what we call vans, you used to call caravanseraimobiles?”

“Not just me. That was their name. Look at the catalogs—Chevy, 1957, '56, all the way back to when they made their first model in '33, I think it was, to haul groups of homeless to local churches during the heart of the Depression so's they could get fed.”

“So what happened?” I asked.

“Well,” he continued, “as I said, I told all the other caravanseraimobile drivers the Tehachapi'd never take to calling 'em vans—just like you said, it would be copyright infringement. But they did it, and got away with it—it seems the Vans company relies on a dye for their shoes that only grows on the Tehachapi Plains, so they'll let the Tehachapi infringe on whatever they want, so long's they get the dye.”

“Why didn't you keep driving vans?” Zeke asked. Dan elbowed Zeke. “Sorry—caravanseraimobiles.”

“I couldn't do it—the parts that were most important to me were the serai, and the cara, and the mobile. They took those out, and it was like they took out my heart with 'em.”

“Just like 'etari' for me,” Zeke whispered.

“All the truck drivers you see on the road today used to be caravanseraimobile drivers,” the man said. “The Tehachapi stole our identity from all of us.”

“It's just so weird,” Dan said. “We always learn in school about the white man stripping the natives of their property and their identity, but somehow the stories of them stripping us of ours go untold.”

“Some say they did it to get revenge for the centuries of injustice,” he said. “Some say it was the first step toward starting a van empire. I say that doesn't matter. What matters is that they need to be stopped. And you boys are the only ones who can stop them.”

“Us?” I said, stunned.

“They're trying to transform everyone and everything into vans. Vanna White resisted, and so did the guys from Evanescence, but most have succumbed. You must traverse the country, find all those with whose identities the letters V, A, and N are intertwined, and band them together. And start—”

Just then, his speech and our rapt astonishment were cut off by a cry from the cash register.

“Oh, that's right!” the voice said. Its owner, the cashier, walked toward us. “Hey guys,” she said. “Know how I said vegans and vegetarians were the same thing? I muffed up.”

Never had I felt so relieved. The truck driver must have overheard our exchange, written a quick fairytale in his mind, and told it to us to give himself a little bit of fun to relieve the monotony of the road. Or maybe decades of marathon driving sessions had just made him insane. Either way, it was a simple misunderstanding, and the cashier had just misspoken.

Or so I thought.

“I was just talking to Cherise,” the cashier continued, “and she told me it was actually vegetarians and vans that are the same thing.”

Dan, Zeke and I looked at each other, then at the truck driver, then back at each other, then we all ran for the door. And in a sense, we haven't stopped running since we left Tehachapi.

Your Mother

2009-05-10T20:25:00.000-07:00

by Benjo

Over the centuries, mothers have silently suffered enormous hardships, their bravery and pain all too often unrecognized or underappreciated. From infant mortality to oppressive paternalistic societies and on and on, the list of offenses is devastatingly long. It can be safely said, however, that no injustice has been as traumatic to mothers as one that has arisen in the last two decades. I'm talking, of course, about Your Mother jokes.

Everybody knows that these jokes are unfunny, but what's more striking is that they are almost always untrue. My mother, for example, is impressively fit, and yet, a young man with whom I went to grade school insisted that people mistook her for a truck in reverse when her pager went off.

An end to this tomfoolery is long overdue. It is time to take back Your Mother jokes, and for this, no occasion is more appropriate than Mother's Day. On that note, I have created a new line of these jokes that highlight some of the positive aspects of our mothers. Create your own, and share them in the comments or just tell them to your friends or your mother. Happy Mother's Day!

Your mother's like the village dentist: she gives everyone a great smile!

Your mother's so great, if you look up “wonderful” in the dictionary, there's a picture of her!

Your mother's so smart, she knows what a quarterback is even though she doesn't watch football!

Your mother's so reasonable that to get on her good side, you need to be honest, genuine, and kind!

Your mother's like a race car driver: she's steady, calm, and she knows how to handle even the hardest turns! In short, she's a champion!

Your mother's so fit that when she went to the doctor, he said, “What are you doing here? You are literally the healthiest patient I've ever seen!”

Your mother looks so good for her age that when she goes to the cosmetics store, they will seriously refuse to sell anything to her because of how good she looks.

Your mother's teeth are so white, a cokehead once tried to snort them!

Your mother's so caring, she helped the cokehead deal with his addiction, and he's doing great now!

Your mom's so faithful that she won't even drink through a straw unless it tastes like your daddy's!

Is Nothing Sacred?

2009-02-02T16:27:00.000-08:00

by Benjo

By now, you've all seen the picture of what, given Michael Phelps's lung capacity, may well have been the biggest bong rip in history.

As an outspoken critic of the war on morality, I was shocked by Phelps's conduct. He'd always struck me as a genuine guy, so it was saddening to learn that he is in fact a fraud. That he won his medals and broke his records not because he was more skilled or more prepared than his competitors, but because he was more stoned. The performance aside, though, I remember when being a role model meant something. I mean, what's next--we find out that Lance Armstrong won all those Tours de France because he was on cigarettes? It begs the question: Is nothing sacred? Is nothing true?

It is my understanding that Phelps was supposed to visit the White House soon. This provides our new president, himself a role model to so many, with an opportunity to send a powerful message to our nation's youth: if you do something so immoral, so stupid, and so destructive as smoking pot, then you will truly never succeed; instead, you will end up a washed up 23-year-old with little chance of ever winning a 15th Olympic gold medal.

We don't need junkies in the White House. Join me in calling for President Obama to disinvite Michael Phelps.

New Look, Same Great Uncertainty for Pepsi's Customers

2009-01-25T20:32:00.000-08:00

by Benjo

I've been hearing quite a bit from readers recently about the new Pepsi bottle. Here's a picture, for those who haven't seen it:
What's remarkable is not what you see on the bottle, of course, but what you don't see. A representative first-sighting story, from reader Mobius, happened on New Year's Day:

I had this truly epic hangover. So I went to 7-Eleven for a two-liter of Pepsi, as a pick-me-up. I get to the fridge, and there's this swoopy logo that kinda looks like the Obama thing. I'm like, "Okay, fine. New look. Same great taste too though, right?" Wrong. Looked the bottle up and down like a gift horse, looking for that New Look, Same Great Taste logo--nothing. Pretty shitty way to start off a year.

Reader ShirlGirl was also thrown off by Pepsi's new logo, but in a different way:

I don't consider myself very visually inclined. So I didn't even realize there was a new look--those New Look, Same Great Taste logos are usually the only way I know that a logo has changed. I got to the register, and the cashier asked me what I thought of the new look. Well, I nearly had a heart attack!

Another reader contrasted his experience with Doritos' makeover earlier in the decade:

I saw the Nacho Cheesier bag from afar and freaked out! I mean, the new look must mean that the taste is much worse, right? But I looked closer, and there's the logo, telling me that it's the same great taste. Kind of crazy--a completely new look, and yet the taste hasn't changed, not even a bit? That's a pretty unbelievable thing, that they're even able to do that.

These emails, and dozens of others just like them, made it clear to me that, without proper labels, consumers have no way of knowing what they're buying. But just how deep is the problem? I mean, if the logo for a food or drink product changes, do you assume the taste has changed too? For more on this, I contacted Jerry Dinkins, who is a well-respected soft-drink enthusiast. His comment:

If the look changes, it's almost obvious that the taste changes too, unless they explicitly tell you otherwise. I mean, just look at the different forms a Pepsi can take. You got the can; the glass bottle; the big plastic bottle. Do all of them taste alike? Of course not. Everyone knows the glass bottle is the tastiest.

If all this is true, though, how does Pepsi get away with such a blatant lack of transparency with their customers? For some insight, I contacted Pepsi representative Darren Lane. Lane conceded that the absence of a logo leaves the taste of the soft drink a mystery. But he fiercely disputed the notion that this mysteriousness hurts customers.

It's preposterous. People love mystery--Agatha Christie proved that long ago. It's part of the beauty of our product that you don't know exactly what's inside the bottle, and we take great pride in that. Fine, a few people are put off by the lack of Same Great Taste logo, and they don't buy the drink. Well I've got some news for you: the only one that's hurt by those lost sales is us. So let us worry about that. You worry about what your kids are doing. You know? People should be worrying about what their kids are doing.

However, I spoke with societal psychologist Diane Timlin, and she believes that Lane is missing the point.

Flavors and tastes are a fundamental component of the set of stimuli that shape our reality. If you see an unfamiliar-looking Pepsi bottle with no indication of the status of the taste, you question that reality. Now, when you question, you lose touch. And when you lose touch with reality, you lose your identity; you become, for all intents and purposes, insane. Now when you start to think about the sheer number of people who see this new Pepsi bottle, you're talking about insanity on a mass scale. That's just the simple scientific truth.

Consumer-rights advocates have been trumpeting the degradation of civic life that's brought about by incomplete labels for years. Many hope that, with a Democrat in the White House and a strong majority in Congress, their goals will finally be codified in law. Vince Roberts, of Soda Citizen USA, better known as SCUSA, mentioned a bill that has been circulating in Washington for years. The bill, known as the Same Great Taste Act, would require companies to post prominent logos on any product on which the look has changed, informing the customer that the taste is the same.

But Roberts says that ShirlGirl's case proves that reforms need to go farther than just that bill:

If the look hasn't changed, but the taste has, companies need to let you know. If they've both changed, same thing. And if nothing's changed? Well, you need a "Same Look, Same Taste" icon there, too. Because frankly, the customer needs to know.

Stay tuned to see what kind of legislation gets passed. Until then, I'll be sticking with the classic:

Double-President Obama

2009-01-21T17:39:00.000-08:00

by Benjo

My earlier decision not to recognize Obama due to the oath-bungling was misguided. Perfect or imperfect, the oath made him President.

Congratulations, President Obama.

Update (5:55 PM): This statement from White House Counsel Greg Craig just came in:

...because there was one word out of sequence, Chief Justice Roberts administered the oath a second time.

If I'm going to give someone the title President when he takes a flubbed oath, I'd better give him the same title when he takes a nailed one.

Congratulations, Double-President Obama.

Inauguration Liveblog

2009-01-20T07:51:00.000-08:00

by Benjo

11:07 AM: Update: Looks like Roberts was actually the epic flubsmith. Either way, the important point remains: the Constitution has been all but set aside over the last eight years, and I will not stand to see it suffer the same fate for the next four. Therefore, I am not recognizing Obama as my president until they do it over.

9:10 AM: I want to be optimistic, but the first task every president faces is the simplest: say what the Chief Justice just said. And dude failed it miserably.

9:07 AM: NOT!!!!

9:06 AM: I miss Bush already.

9:05 AM: Feinstein: "Everyone please stand." Except Cheney. Heh.

9:04 AM: This inauguration ceremony is proof that there's a fine line between the truly touching and the boring as fuck.

8:59 AM: Marshall: "I think there are some moments for which the only fitting commentary is silence." Dude, the Marxist state you've worked so long to bring about is literally moments away from starting, and you can't think of anything to say about it? What a hack.

8:55 AM: Josh Marshall calls images of Cheney in a wheelchair "iconic." The MSNBC commentators expressed a similar idea--I think their word was "symbolic." But there was a report on Fox News earlier that debunked this notion: it turns out it simply is what it is. Someone needs to communicate this to the liberal media.

8:51 AM: J'ada says "The era of misunderestimation is over." Or is it just beginning?

8:43 AM: Twenty minutes before Obama takes the oath, Kevin Drum blogs about Jeffrey Goldberg blogging about bloggers who blog about minorities that won't soon rise to power in other countries. I keep thinking, at some point, maybe you want to stop doing this third-degree blogging and just absorb this moment. I don't know, is it just me or is Drum being kind of ridiculous?

8:39 AM: Chris Matthews reacts to the look on Barack Obama's face as he emerges from the Capitol building: "He knows they're here for him." Right on, future Senator. Right on.

8:35 AM: The Yglesias liveblog begins. His thoughts on the transfer of power are overshadowed by his decision, on this important day, not to seek the limelight, but instead to capitulate to stereotype: he is blogging from the couch.

8:32 AM: Not to dwell on the Caucus, but it should be noted that they are doing almost as remarkable a job at noting who has arrived as CNN is at showing it. Kudos for the service you are doing, NYT.

8:23 AM: The Caucus posts a picture of the outgoing and incoming first couples. I zoomed in to isolate the new presidential dance move that Michelle seems to be debuting for the Bushes:
8:07 AM: Ambinder speaks. Um, we're inaugurating the first black president, and all you can talk about is security? Stop avoiding the issues, Ambinder.

8:00 AM: Ambinder is speechless: two straight posts with a picture and no words. We can see the images on MSNBC, Ambinder, but none of the channels are broadcasting what's in your head. What's in your head, Ambinder?

Good morning, readers. It is January 20, 2009, and news is literally being made. As soon as other livebloggers start having thoughts about it, I'll give you my reactions to them.

Inauguration Liveblog Alert

2009-01-19T16:38:00.000-08:00

by Benjo

Apologies for the lack of recent posts; I'd pledged to finish knitting a scarf from my dog's fur, using the recipe listed here, so that I could wear it to the inauguration ceremonies. Unfortunately, chihuahuas turn out not to be very scarfable. As a casual scholar of the first President Harrison, I was not about to brave the inauguration scarfless, so I will be consuming the inauguration televisually.

Lucky for the public, so will thousands of members of the liveblogosphere, and I will be liveblogging their liveblogs tomorrow. So the moment that there is second-hand, reactive news, you can read about it right here.

News Year 2009 Resolution

2009-01-08T11:34:00.000-08:00

by Szabe

This year I make a News Year resolution. I make it out of 3 shoots of vodka and some cranberry's juice!

That is joking. But really, people say to me, Szabe, do you resolute anything for News Year 2009, and do you keep it? I am sadful to say, it is January 8, and I already break my resolution!

What did I resolute? I wanted to resolute only one thing, and something that break a bad habit. One of my most bad habits is breaking News Year resolutions! So my only resolution for this year is to go one month without breaking a resolution. I make it almost one week with no trouble, but finally yesterday the urge get too hard. It always do!

What did all of you resolute? And do you do anything fun for New's Year Eve? And if yes, why not you invited me? Just jokes!

Something Stinks.

2009-01-06T22:09:00.000-08:00

by Benjo

A reader sent me a story that ran in Saturday's Times about the dangers of so-called "third-hand smoke." Sensing a suspicious familiarity, I walked down the hall to Edward's office. He was out, but a cursory glance at his desk revealed exactly what I'd suspected: he had submitted an almost identical story to the Times earlier in the week. They'd swapped one of their columnists' names for Edward's and printed it, verbatim--almost. The full, shocking tale is below.

The NYT story begins:

Parents who smoke often open a window or turn on a fan to clear the air for their children, but experts now have identified a related threat to children’s health that isn’t as easy to get rid of: third-hand smoke.

Now compare that to Edward's:

Parents with bad gas often open a window or turn on a fan to clear the air for their children, but experts now have identified a related threat to children’s health that isn’t as easy to get rid of: third-hand fart.

NYT continues:

“When their kids are out of the house, they might smoke. Or they smoke in the car. Or they strap the kid in the car seat in the back and crack the window and smoke, and they think it’s okay because the second-hand smoke isn’t getting to their kids,” Dr. Winickoff continued. “We needed a term to describe these tobacco toxins that aren’t visible.”

Whereas Edward writes:

"When their kids are out of the house, they might fart. Or they honk the backdoor horn in the car, so to speak. Or they strap the kid in the car seat in the back and crack the window and polish off a bit of the ol' stainless stool, and they think it's okay because the second-hand fart isn't getting to their kids," Dr. Winickoff continued. "We need a term to describe these flatulatory toxins that aren't visible."

Invisible farts aside, there is a very serious threat underlying Edward's article. And here we see the gravest of NYT's crimes. While the article is liberal with alarming language--"threat"; "toxic"; "highly carcinogenic"--it is far less so with evidence. The few statistics it mentions deal with parents' perceptions of the risks of third-hand smoke, while omitting information about the number of children who actually got sick or died because of these perceptions.

Edward's reporting is far more robust in this respect:

A new study in Science finds a 50% greater risk that later in life, pre-teens who have previously been exposed to third-hand fart will exhibit behavioral disorders. These include weird snoring; excessive buffalo wing eating; and burial of hands in the sweatpants, with what the scientists call "a little too much hand movement."

* * *

I have to admit: I was torn about whether to post this. I loyally read and greatly respect the Times. But I was finally swayed when I read a couple sentences at the end of Edward's piece that drove home the gravity of this issue:

Scientists cite another consequence of fart residue: imitative behavior. Children who are exposed to third-hand fart are almost guaranteed someday to become farters themselves.

NYT, do the right thing. Publish the original story. The world needs to know.

If Friends Were Flowers: A New Year's Poem

2009-01-01T17:24:00.000-08:00

by Edward J. Albenstein

A poem to express my gratefulness for your readership, and my wishes for a warm, loving year.

If Friends Were Flowers
by Edward J. Albenstein

If friends were flowers, I'd pick you.

If friends were chapters, you'd be #1 in my book.

If friends were weights, I'd lift you to grow stronger.

If friends were health food, I'd want you inside me.

If friends were muffins, I'd eat your bottom.

If friends were groceries, you'd be at the top of my list.

If friends were nets, you'd be a full one, because you're always able to give me butterflies.

If friends were friends' senses of humor, you'd be my favorite thing about you.

If friends were friends' bands' demos, I'd give you a listen, for sure. But let's be honest here--it's not because I'm expecting to like you. Because odds are, I won't. Odds are, I'll think you're an asshole. I'm doing it because you're my friend's band's demo. And when you get down to it, friends' bands' demos are friends, which means you listen to them. Even if they are assholes.

If friends were water, I'd keep you around even though you're pretty bland.

If friends were video games, I'd be reaching the point where I have to get straight with myself about you. Yes, I was happy when you came into my life. And we had lots of great times. I mean, your graphics are fucking sick. But I don't know, man. After so many years of you burning my eyes, not to mention my brain cells, I feel like it's time to grow up and acknowledge that, with every day I sit on the couch with you, I become one day fatter, one day dumber, and have one additional day's worth of hot chicks that are now out of my league.

If friends were the garbage, I'd dump your ass, because you fucking stink.

If friends were toilets, I'd sit on you and begin farting immediately.

If friends were keys on a keyboard, you'd be a new kind of key that deletes the last few lines. And I'd use you right now, because that was a little harsh.

If friends were the truth, this is what you'd be:

If friends were fly balls, you'd be an amazing catch.

If friends were birthdays, I'd celebrate you every time you came around.

If friends were flowers, I'd pick you.

New Year's Eyewear Company Folds

2009-01-01T14:34:00.000-08:00

by Benjo

The new year is not happy for everyone. We forget this simple fact all too easily. Case in point: the company that makes those 200x New Year's Eve glasses went out of business this morning. Story follows.

COOKEVILLE, TN – Derek Bulworth lifted his glittery blue 2009 glasses and wiped a tear from his eye. “Thus ends an era,” he said, turning his key one last time in the door to the factory he helped build. At 12:01 AM on the morning of January 1st, Bulworth's company, New Year's Eyes, which has made millions of pairs of New Year's Eve glasses over the past decade, announced plans to cease operations by March.

Bulworth went into business with his partner, Frank Bart, in 1998. Success did not come immediately.

“My idea was to have the glasses say 'NYE', which is an acronym not only for New Year's Eve, but also New Year's Eyes, our company name. The stem of the Y would align precisely with the bridge of the nose, and the branches of the Y extended upward, following the curvature of the eyebrow. It was perfect.” The rest of the acronym, however, proved less ideal. “We had 100,000 of these things made, and we learned, based on customer feedback, that N- and E-shaped lenses are not conducive to vision, which is a key part of the glasses-wearing experience.”

Bulworth and Bart retooled over the following year, and they released their first numerical lenses in time for the new millennum. “The zeroes worked perfectly,” Bulworth said. “You look through the middle zeroes, you can see; you look through the last two zeroes, and you can still see—it's almost crazy. We had an embarrassment of zeroes that year.” Shaking his head, Bulworth continued, “God, what I wouldn't give for one of those extra zeroes now.”

This winter, after a decade of success, Bulworth made the difficult decision to close shop when the majority of his retailers informed him that they would be significantly scaling down their 2010 orders.

Asked to explain their cutbacks, Bulworth said, “it's simple. The number of orders we got for next year is exactly the same as the number of one-eyed people out there. Nobody but them will tolerate a 1-shaped lens.”

Bulworth considered completing the limited number of orders, but it was not worth the overhead of keeping the factory open. “We were offered a generous bridge loan by a pirates' trade group, but it just wasn't enough.”

Still, Bulworth remains determined.

“We're not done yet,” he says. “This company will be back stronger than ever when the year is optic-ready again. Whether it's me running the company or my grandkids, you can bet that this market will be ours for the taking in the 2990s and 3000s.”

Recession Culprit Caught

2008-12-26T09:55:00.000-08:00

by Benjo

Incredible news: they caught the guy who caused the recession! Here's the article from The Orange County Sun:

Man Behind Recession Arrested
ORANGE COUNTY, CA - Don Wakefield, 34, of Orange County, is in custody on charges of causing the recession, bringing a much-needed bit of hope to residents in Orange County and beyond that their economic hardships may be poised to come to an end.

Orange County Police Chief John Davis flashed thumbs up to cameras as he escorted Wakefield into the county jail.

“We got the bastard,” Davis said.

A seven-fingered police officer fastens handcuffs on Wakefield.

Police forces were tipped off to Wakefield's identity following a post he made last week on the website Buyer's Remorse, a support group for shopaholics.

"I don't know how to say this," Wakefield said in the post, dated last Thursday, "but I haven't really spent anything this year." Forum members responded with unfiltered anger and scorn. "Our shopaholism has made this economy great for years," said one user. "You've ruined it for us and everyone!"

Following an anonymous tip from a forum member, police raided Wakefield's home, abducting Wakefield and finding exactly what they had feared: room after room filled with last season's clothes.

"I've been on the force twenty years, and I've never seen anything like this," Davis said. "I mean, if you don't spend your fair share, there's going to be a recession. Everyone knows that. To knowingly withhold your dollars like that—it's unthinkable that someone could be so inhumane."

While the rest of the population spent more this year than in 2007, Wakefield's inactivity singlehandedly resulted in an almost 50% drop in spending.

In initial testimony obtained by The Sun, Wakefield was forthcoming about the nature of his offenses.

"This time last year, I was a shopaholic myself," Wakefield told investigators. "Last winter, I went all out, and got the most incredible clutch of clothes. It was so good, just such a breathtaking clutch. So I wanted to ride it out as long as I could. I got to the point where it's March, it's April, and I'm not buying anything new. Eventually, the clutch burned out, but I was so deep into what I was doing that I kept on going." According to the record, at this point in his testimony, a tearful Wakefield flicked the cuff of an argyle zip-up sweater, whose elastic was visibly imperfect. "Now look at me."

Wakefield will be charged under California's Consumer Latency Prevention Act, according to Chief Davis. Initial reports suggesting that Wakefield would be charged for federal crimes were false: since Wakefield's lack of shopping did not cross state lines, federal consumer latency laws do not apply.

Under the terms of California's law, as a first-time offender, Wakefield's penalty would be limited to a fine of up to $25,000. However, he could face significant jail time if convicted of causing a second recession.

“I'm so relieved they caught him,” said Martha Dierdorf, 41, who owns a small business in San Jose. “Removing this leech from the system takes the load off of small business owners.”

Indeed, many analysts predict that, in the weeks following Wakefield's apprehension, stock prices will increase by 40 to 50%, returning to their pre-recession levels.

“This is what I'd call a massive bail-in,” said Goldman analyst Walt Hurt.

However, many Californians expressed dismay at the leniency of the penalties facing Wakefield. "The government needs to crack down here," said Mike Wagman, 58, of Long Beach. "I mean, me, I'm a conservative. I'm a believer in the free market: that the market works best for everyone when the government keeps its grubby hands out. But within reason. When I hear that someone didn't buy anything new for a year?" Wagman's voice trailed off. "Well, if you want to know my opinion, that guy deserves the ultimate."

Wakefield was drawn to confess, according to his testimony, when he saw the year-over-year economic numbers. "Spending was down, what, like 40% from this time last year? Well it was down 100% for me. Take that out, and maybe everyone would be fine right now." Wakefield wiped a tear from his eye. "It hurts to think about, you know?"

Google Mind

2008-12-20T19:15:00.000-08:00

by Benjo

A reader forwarded this article to me. I haven't seen it anywhere else, so I'll post it in full. Amazing, the things Google is doing.

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA - Google Inc. has announced plans to have the minds of half of the world's population online by 2012. The program, which will begin operations in early 2009, will give Google "the largest searchable database of human minds this world has ever seen," according to Google spokesman Jerry Reynolds.

"No human civilization has ever created a human-mind database like this one," Reynolds said. “Not even the more technology-minded cultures, like the Romans.”

The database and corresponding search engine, called Google Mind, will at first be limited to memory banks, but will eventually expand to include emotions and, over time, imaginations and fantasies. Google executives predict that by 2018, users will also be able to stream live thoughts via so-called "mindcams."

Proponents of Google Mind herald the tool as a powerful resource for users of all nationalities, ages, and races. "This will bring about a revolution in the ability of those with very strange points of view to determine if there are in fact others who feel the same way," says Frank Leonard, professor of mind-search history at the University of Eastern California.

"Suppose you think something totally ridiculous–like, that Mick Jagger's solo records are better than the Rolling Stones' albums. Now what if some co-worker always tells you you're the only person in the world who feels that way? Well now, with the click of a button, you can find out that, hey, actually, there's some guy in Rotterdam or Irkutsk who feels the same way, and you prove your co-worker wrong. That's called putting power in the hands of the powerless.”

The search engine is not without its critics, however. The complaints hinge on a perceived loss of privacy that could result from the publication of human thoughts.

“We believe this leads down a slippery slope,” said ACLU spokesperson Roberta Gleason. “If Google is releasing people's thoughts to the public, who's to say they won't release our search histories in the future? For many people, their search history is their identity, and if identities aren't worthy of protection, what is?”

Average citizens were more enthusiastic.

John Alberts, of San Francisco, recalled a recent conversation in which he and a friend shared their opinions of the top movies from the past decade. "It was probably a ten, twelve minute conversation," Alberts said. "Now, we'll just be able to look each other's opinions up on Google Mind, and we'll never have to have the conversation. I see that as the biggest benefit—the ability to cut back on the time you have to spend talking things out with people.”

The program, which will cost an estimated $200 million to build, will leverage the technology behind Google Book Search, an online card catalog of over 7 million books that went live in 2004. For the Mind project, Google engineers have developed technology to convert human thoughts to book form, which can then be fed into the book-scanning engine.

“That was the only real new step,” said Reynolds, the Google spokesman. “But I mean, it's a stretch to even call it 'new.' After all, humans have been converting thoughts into books for hundreds if not thousands of years. It's called writing.”

Google sees the Mind project as the first in what could be a long series of new initiatives. “We hope to begin scanning animal minds once the human project is up and running. We'll finally know what Spot thinks of us,” says Reynolds, with a laugh.

And if that goes well? “In the near term, we've got our eyes on plants and trees. As for the longer term, I'm not at liberty to say." Reynolds grins mischievously. "So if you want to know, you'll just have to query me for it."

The Cats-Apstrophy!

2008-12-17T18:19:00.000-08:00

by Szabe Kovacs

Edward J. write the post about news. My favorites of news come about the cats. I love the story: Cat-astrophy: 300 Dead Cats in Man's Freezers. He say that "Cat-astrophy," so like Apostrophe, but like with Cats instead of Appos! He go on:

Police say they found 300 dead cats stuffed into the freezers of Michael Louis Vondueren, a 47-year-old man from Sacramento, whose home was littered with cat feces.

So the freezer cats come out of the freezer to leave poop-litters in Michael's house! Poor Michael. I like cats but I don't light their feses!

Then Michael later say:

This is just the latest incident of humans behaving badly in California. Over the weekend, a 24-year-old from Santa Rosa was arrested at Six Flags Discovery Kingdom for punching a camel on a dare.

Michael, be careful when to punch a camel on a dare! The camel kick the dare and give it the second hump and then you have two camels!

North African Dare

I bring you more the crazy memories. I am Szabe, to Hungary, Don't forget me!

An Outlier

2008-12-17T12:21:00.001-08:00

by Edward J. Albenstein

In his most recent column, David Brooks writes about Malcolm Gladwell. He begins:

All day long, you are affected by large forces. Genes influence your intelligence and willingness to take risks. Social dynamics unconsciously shape your choices. Instantaneous perceptions set off neural reactions in your head without you even being aware of them.

What do these ideas have in common? They are intuitive. They are as inherently familiar to young children as they are to the mentally decrepit. Any of them would be an ideal topic for the term paper you need to start writing because it's due tomorrow. And yet, all of them--with the help of a cute name ("blink!"), a few "wouldn't ya know it" anecdotes, and a dollop of catchy rhetoric--have been compiled into books that have catapulted their author to the top of every best seller list they can find. Why? That author was none other than the sorcerer of the Amazon sales rank, Malcolm Gladwell.

There's something I must reluctantly admit: the second paragraph is mine. Brooks's actual second graf was less like a portrayal of reality, and more like a recap of a wet dream starring a hipster-fro and a pair of undulating, steamed-up, right-wing glasses.

Before I go any further, a clarification is in order. I have nothing against pop science. Books like The Selfish Gene, The Moral Animal and Guns, Germs and Steel have been instrumental in making readers with even the most rudimentary scientific knowledge conversant on their subjects. Each of these texts was able--in plain language, and (unfortunately, I think) with minimal use of statistics and charts--to present some of the research that led to the most fascinating discoveries about the world around us.

My gripe with Gladwell, then, is that he skips the spaghetti and goes straight for the meatballs. To read Gladwell is to reach for the trophy without bothering to run the race. Swinging like a gibbon through a forest of anecdote-trees, Gladwell makes it clear on page after page why he is the undisputed master of the "how fucking cool is THAT?!" school of science writing.

The distinction between Gladwell and, say, Richard Dawkins can be illustrated as the basic difference between this:

"At high temperatures, liquids high in fultose create brilliant rainbows of gaseous matter. For example, wave your Bunsen burner around a can of fultose-rich Dr. Pepper for long enough, and the soda will turn yellow."

and this:

"I burned some Dr. Pepper with a torch lighter yesterday, and it turned fucking yellow!"

Now Dr. Pepper doesn't actually turn yellow when you burn it. And Lord knows I'd be first in line to read an article full of sentences like the second one if it did (and if people lined up to read articles, which I truly think they should). But the point is, what do we get out of these two passages? From the first, we take away a general piece of knowledge about fultose that will inform any future fultose-oriented activities in which we might engage. In the second, we find out that something totally epic happens when you burn Dr. Pepper.

I think it's clear what I'm getting at. Look, the last thing I want is for the airport bookstore industry to go out of business. So keep buying Gladwell's books, and read them if you like them. But let's keep in mind that, somewhere in between imparting knowledge and teaching, there is an important step we might call grasp. Which, come to think of it, would make a pretty decent title for Gladwell's next book.

Commenting in Other Languages

2008-12-13T13:28:00.000-08:00

by Benjo

By popular request from my non-American readers, I have decided to enable foreign language functionality in the comments. Effective immediately, any reader comment on Benjoblog may be written in either English or ancient Greek.

To comment in ancient Greek, simply write out the phonetic representation of your comment using the English alphabet.

For the benefit of my non-ancient Greek readers, I will promptly translate all ancient Greek comments into English. (Due to a technical blip in Blogspot's software, I will not be able to write out the English exactly, but will instead transliterate it using Germanic runes. I appreciate your understanding.)

Fish Food

2008-12-13T12:38:00.000-08:00

by Benjo

I apologize for my silence following the Of-fish-ial Fish Joke post. As you might imagine, emails poured in from all corners of the globe in response to the post. Not only did it take hours to read and respond to all these emails, but it took days to assemble my new do-it-yourself unfolded square globe.

But I'm back, and I want to answer the most common question:

If you eat fish, are you still a vegetarian?

This is a topic of ongoing confusion for people all over the world, so let us clear it up now.

Strictly speaking, no. One who eats fish but not meat is called a pescetarian. The reason this is so confusing for people is that they think pescetarians are those concerned with the apocalypse and the final destiny of humankind. While this topic may be of coincidental interest to a pescetarian, it is unrelated to dietary choice; the proper word for such a person is an eschatologist.

Many readers disputed this interpretation, though; as one asked,

Aren't eschatologists, you know, poop people?

In fact, a "poop person" is a scatologist. Mind, you, we are off the topic of food now; while scatologists study feces, they do not eat it. The word for someone who eats shit is vegan.

The Offishial Fish-Joke Post

2008-11-24T21:32:00.000-08:00

by Benjo

A reader sends the following joke my way:

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: A fsh.

Goldfsh

The reader's implication, of course, was that the fish, having no eyes, cannot see that he has misspelled the word "fish". However, fishes cannot read, and therefore this joke is not funny.

Not one to be denied a good laugh, I took to Google, certain that there must be some good ichthyological humor out there. My search yielded two gems:

Q. What do you call a fish with two knees?
A. Tunyfish!

Q. What do you call a fish with cable?
A. Telefishion!

These marvelous, dare I say Shakespearean, jeux de mots inspired me to create my own. So, readers, I present to you my first original fish-themed joke:

Q: What do you call a clothes store run by a fish and a guy named Abercrombie?
A: Abercrombie and Fishtch!

* * *

I invite you, in the comments, to fry up your own fish-jokes! It's very easy:

Think of a word with a syllable that sounds like fish.
Think of a question whose answer has that word in it.
Substitute fish for the fish-like syllable.
Pat yourself on the dorsal fin, because you've just written a hilarious joke!

I close with the first, and I believe best, joke that I've ever written. See if you can find the fish reference in it.

Q: What kind of resting can be very intriguing?
A: Interesting!

Hello, Internet.

2008-11-12T14:48:00.000-08:00

by Benjo

Let's get right to the issues. First up: gay marriage.

Let us be lovers; we'll marry our fortunes together.
- Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel (gay musicians)

The last week has seen an outcry among liberal Californians who are angry about the passage of Proposition 8, which bans gay marriage. Many of my readers have requested that this blog's first post be devoted to my thoughts on this important issue.

Now, in thinking about any ballot measure, we must carefully consider both its moral and legal implications. Having spent literally hours looking into both aspects, I can state unequivocally that gay marriage is both wrong and illegal.

I can personally attest to its wrongness: one time I put it as the answer to a math problem about the slope of a line, and to be sure, that test came back with more red ink than Ashley Todd's face. Astute readers will no doubt accuse me of logical fallacy in this explanation. To them, I submit: of course, gay marriage has changed since the days of grade school. Today, it is a problem not of algebraic slopes, but of slippery ones. To wit, if we start allowing gays to marry, society will take its cue from Simon and Garfunkel, who not only wanted America to let them be lovers--i.e., gay marriage--but also, to let them marry their fortunes.

For input on the legal end, I turn to my colleague Benjo Joben, who blogs about legal issues. Says Joben:

Benjo, you are absolutely correct to draw the parallel with fortune. In fact, the Supreme Court ruled on exactly these terms in the historic Schiavone v. Fortune case, 477 U.S. 21 (1986). I don't want to wade too deep in the findings--which involve mandamus, writ, statute, and a bunch of other really wonky stuff. But to put it in layman's terms: the Court ruled 6-3 that the slope was indeed slippery. The dissent, which has spurred a decades-long wave of activism aimed at overturning the ruling, argued heatedly that the Constitution contains no Slippery Slope Clause. But Justice Blackmun, writing for the majority, famously stated, "Would that we were a nation of spelunkers, my mind might be elsewise. But, as nature provides no carabiners, this slope is simply too slippery."

So there you have it. I don't know about you, but this is one fortune that I think we ought to keep in the cookie.

Hello, Benjo.

2008-10-30T12:01:00.001-07:00

Hello, Benjo.

2008-08-27T12:55:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the late reply - I took a SI30DHFBP (self-imposed 30-day hiatus from blog posting, in case you don't know that abbreviation; just wanted to write it in acronym form b/c it takes a long time to write out all the words it stands for and I am kind of in a rush right now). But I'm back!

To answer your question: I am Benjo.

2008-07-28T15:39:00.001-07:00

Oh, duh. Sorry, totally missed that.

So what's your name?

2008-07-11T15:00:00.000-07:00

It's all you, i.e. me. I'm the only one posting.

2008-07-11T14:17:00.001-07:00

Oh, cool! Thanks for letting me know. Who said that, by the way?

2008-06-25T14:48:00.001-07:00

Yep, it sure is! :-)

2008-06-25T14:15:00.001-07:00

Is this on?

benjoblog

8 Minute Abner

Abner, Episode 1: "The Birthmark"

I Am An Addict.

Congress Repeals “Don't Ask,” Ending 17-Year Ban On Nosiness In Military

NY Tree Branch Death: Act Of Mother Nature Or Act Of Terror?

Terrorist Tree Commits Suicide Attack On Parked Car

Ashton Kutcher Livid After Discovering Patrick Swayze's Ghost Communicating With Demi Moore

Following Death Of World's Oldest Person, Fox Developing Reality Show To Find Successor

Johnny Nailon, 7, Thanks Jesus For Go Fish Victory

Outbreak Feared After Second-Grade Class Infested With Cooties

Ahmadinejad: "The Nile Is Not Just A River In Egypt"

Typo Leads To Military Coupe In Angola

New “Toferson” Products Offer Cannibals A Tasty Vegetarian Alternative

Out-fluenza: How To Keep The Flu Out Of Your Home This Season

Poll: Americans Eager To Get Screwed Over Even More On Health Care

Decrease In Acceleration Of Rise In Unemployment Falls, Leaving Economists Arguing Over What Actually Happened

Man Missing For 20 Years Surfaces, Is Declared Winner Of Hide-And-Seek Game

Health Care FAQ: Separating Fact From Fiction

Five Particles Dead, Four Injured In Giant Particle Collision At Hadron

Life of the Party: A Short Story by Benjo

Steering Wheel Use Found To Be Associated With Traffic Accidents

Army Developing Unmanned Targets For Use In Afghanistan

Judge Sentenced To 2 Years After Defendant Invokes “I'm Rubber, You're Glue” Provision

Chief Justice Roberts To Break Up Supreme Court, Pursue Solo Career

Spearmint-Filled Cigarette Helps Gum Addicts Beat Their Habit

Congress To Be Renamed After Corporate Sponsors

Grocery Store Admits To Slowing Down Whichever Aisle Betty Lewis Is In

Dick Cheney To Open Guantanamo Bay Yoga Retreat

ATM Fees Begin to Exceed Withdrawal Amounts

The Pun-Jokes

Johnny Baker Goes to Room, But Refuses To Think About What He's Done

Obama Calls Republicans' Bluff, Appoints Jesus to Supreme Court

Interview with Nathaniel Abramson of NASA

Etari

Your Mother

Is Nothing Sacred?

New Look, Same Great Uncertainty for Pepsi's Customers

Double-President Obama

Inauguration Liveblog

Inauguration Liveblog Alert

News Year 2009 Resolution

Something Stinks.

If Friends Were Flowers: A New Year's Poem

New Year's Eyewear Company Folds

Recession Culprit Caught

Google Mind

The Cats-Apstrophy!

An Outlier

Commenting in Other Languages

Fish Food

The Offishial Fish-Joke Post

Top Questions

Hello, Internet.

Hello, Benjo.