Congress Repeals “Don't Ask,” Ending 17-Year Ban On Nosiness In Military

Members of the United States Armed Forces will no longer have to hide their inquisitive orientations. President Obama signed a law Wednesday that will reverse the military's “Don't Ask, Don't Tell” policy, which for 17 years has prevented nosy men and women from openly asking their colleagues if they are gay.

“No longer will tens of thousands of Americans be forced to keep their questions to themselves,” Obama said at the signing ceremony. “For too long we have denied the bravery and patriotism of some of our most extraordinary servicemembers because they happen to be nosy.”

Though many have focused on the “Don't Tell” portion of the existing policy, which prevents homosexual men and women from serving openly, most people agree that the “Don't Ask” portion has been a far more significant impediment to civil liberties. “Only one in ten servicemen and women are gay,” said Sgt. Lou Falchi. “But everyone is curious about who's gay.”

Nosiness-rights advocates applauded the measure. “My intrusiveness is who I am,” said Alice Stark. Paul Dickens, her nosy partner of 15 years, agreed. “Sure, we may not be able to procreate—no one would submit their reproductive organs to someone as relentlessly, flamboyantly prodding as Alice. But it doesn't mean she loves her country any less.”

Donald Fairfax, who is serving his third tour in Afghanistan, said, “We got to see the new Coen brothers flick, and when it's over a private in my division goes, 'Matt Damon is very handsome.' I wanted to be like, 'Dude, are you gay?' But if I'd said it, I'd be discharged. If you ask me,” Fairfax said, “the military's going to be stronger now that I can openly question that dude's sexuality.”

Emboldened by their victory, Stark, Fairfax, and other NIBTQ (nosy-inquisitive-bi-interrogative-tampering-questioning) citizens plan to focus on their ultimate goal: nosy marriage.

But critics of the repeal, led by Senator John McCain, worry that its passage will lower morale in the military. McCain issued a statement following the bill's passage that said, “Who's going to want to take a shower with another officer, when you constantly have to look over your shoulder to see if he's looking at you like he's going to ask you a question?”

Despite McCain's opposition, eight Republican Senators joined the 57 members of the Democratic caucus to vote for repeal, effectively putting to rest categorizations of the GOP as unanimously interrophobic.