Grocery Store Admits To Slowing Down Whichever Aisle Betty Lewis Is In

by Benjo

I swear this happens to me at my grocery store, too. I am so going to catch those MFers, just like Betty!

Betty Lewis always thought she just had bad luck. “I always try to pick the shortest aisle at Dillon's, but it always seems to turn out being the slowest one,” said Lewis, 63, of Motterville.

But as it turns out, luck had nothing to do with it. On Tuesday, police arrested Dillon's Grocery owner Matthew Richards on charges of a months-long conspiracy to slow down Lewis's aisle each time she visited the store.

In a statement, MVPD spokesman Randall Mink called the plot the largest grocery-store crime in history. By the time of the Dillon's arrest, authorities believe that up to 90% of the town's population had become complicit in the plot. However, Mink tried to tamp down fears that similar crimes would arise involving town-wide efforts to inconvenience a specific individual. “To be clear, this was in no way connected to or inspired by the 2004 plot in which Highway 54 drivers conspired to ensure that Ted Davis's lane would always be the slow one, even when Davis switched lanes. All evidence points to this being the only current conspiracy involving 90% of the town.”

A Dillon's customer who was involved with the conspiracy, who spoke only on condition of anonymity, opposed the MVPD's decision to disrupt the plot. “This was something my friends and I looked forward to—it was a community-building activity. Just like public sacrifices back in the day. I mean, if we could bring public sacrifices, I'd be all for it. But we can't, so this is the next best thing.”

Lewis herself found a silver lining in the news of the conspiracy, in the form of vindication. After years of watching complaints to friends about her bad luck fall on deaf ears, Lewis's credibility has reached new heights.

Peggy Danforth, a member of Lewis's bridge club, said, “I used to just tell Betty she thought she had luck because she'd focus on the bad times.” But after hearing of the arrests, Danforth's feelings changed. “She was right all along. And I feel horrible for having doubted her all this time.”

Danforth expressed openness to giving Lewis the benefit of the doubt on other claims she had previously considered dubious. “Betty thought that Obama was making eyes at her during the speech he made at the high school during the campaign. Over and over she said, 'He was checking me out, he was checking me out! I think he has the hots for me.' That sort of thing. I thought she was out of her mind. But now? It's hard to be sure.”

Lewis was grateful for her newfound credibility. “Now I can tell my grandkids that Obama and I almost had an affair. It's wonderful,” she said. “We probably wouldn't have kids, Obama and me—I mean at my age.” Her voice trailed off. “But who knows?”

“He's doing a wonderful job,” Lewis said. “I will say, I wasn't crazy about that dog he picked. But we can deal with that when the time comes, if I end up moving in to the White House.”

Lewis said she has not spoken to President Obama since the conspiracy was uncovered, but she did hire an artist to create a simulation of her and Obama's offspring. “He's a beautiful baby,” Lewis said. “And I'll tell you what: he wouldn't have any trouble getting through the grocery aisle. You know, being the President's son.”