Typo Leads To Military Coupe In Angola

by Benjo

There has never been clearer evidence that the Pentagon's billion-dollar typography budget is money well-spent; the story below illustrates the type of national crisis that our elaborate spell-check system has been so successful in preventing.

LUANDA, ANGOLA – Following what many believe to be a typographical error in an email from Army Chief Kundy Pahiama, a military coupe was staged here last night.

The email from Pahiama, which was sent at 10:30 p.m. local time last night, lamented that “dealing with President Santos in a civil manner has proven impossible,” and concluded that “staging a military coupe at the Presidential Palace is the only viable option.”

Following the email, top generals scrambled throughout the night first to deck a coupe out in camouflage, and then, to assemble a stage in front of the palace on which the coupe would sit.

“Some people may ask, 'Why a military coupe? What is the significance of this?'” said one general who insisted on anonymity. “The answer is obvious: for too long, we have been fed up with the military sedans the President has made us drive.”

Asked if a typo was suspected, the general said, “Absolutely not. Pahiama got where he is on his spelling prowess. Besides,” he said, “what else would he have meant to write?”

The government, however, is taking the threat of a typo very seriously. Upon witnessing the coupe on stage this morning, the full resources of President Santos's staff were deployed to investigate whether a typo had occurred, and if so, what the intended message was. Many officials believe that Pahiama intended to impose a military coupon, which would have illegally given generals up to 50% off at retail stores such as Macy's or Bloomingdales.

If the coupe was indeed accidental, it would hardly be the first event in world history to be shaped by a typo. Martin Van Buren, the eighth President of the United States, is rumored never to have slept with his wife while in office because an adviser accidentally wrote him a memo informing him that he was only eligible for an erection every four years. The so-called Presidential Blueballs of 1837 is said to have cost Van Buren any chance at a second term.

More recently, President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe attempted in 1989 to instruct his generals to commit genocide, but accidentally wrote them a note requesting “gonocide” instead, leading them on a crusade to rid the world of gonorrhea. That crusade continues to this day.

In more recent United States history, an al-Qaeda cell in Chicago received a telegram instructing them to “glow up” the city's Sears Tower. What was intended to be a devastating terrorist attack instead turned into a dazzling light show.

The Angolan government is expected to reach a conclusion on last night's events sometime next week. The President released a short statement today indicating that until the report's release, “General Pahiama Will Be Suspended Without Pat.” This is expected to be a crippling blow for Pahiama, as “It's Pat” is the general's favorite movie.

New “Toferson” Products Offer Cannibals A Tasty Vegetarian Alternative

by Benjo

Benjoblog has been on the vegetarian beat since shortly after our inception. But never has our meatless appetite been quite so whet as it is now that we get to deliver the news that the mock-meat-loving community is ready to accept a new cohort: veggie cannibals! Story follows.

Following years of success in offering a soy-based Thanksgiving alternative to non-meat-eaters, the Tofurky company has announced a new line of vegetarian human-flesh options for cannibals. Called Toferson, the fake-meat products will hit stores in early 2010.

The product line will include crunchy snack foods like False Teeth Crisps and imitation kitchen staples like Can't Believe It's Not Butt. Additional products, such as the Wiener Wiener, Cameltofu, and Mock Cock, were deemed too racy for supermarkets, and will be sold only in sex-oriented food stores.

The announcement was embraced by vegetarian cannibals—or anthratarians, as they prefer to be called—around the country.

“By nature, I eat people, but at heart, I have morals,” said Percy Felwether of North Dakota. “I believe a vegetarian diet is the ethically and environmentally appropriate way to live. But I still adore the tangy taste of cooked human flesh. Now, I finally have a way to reconcile my beliefs with my natural tendencies.”

The products are not without their critics, however. “We are completely opposed to the killing and eating of innocent animals,” said PETA spokesman Lyle Renfro. “But the killing and eating of humans is an entirely different story. Humans have caused more death, pain, and extinction to animals than any other species in the history of the world. So we embrace cannibalism--provided, of course, that the people being consumed are animal-killing meat-eaters.”

Renfro went on to say that, beyond simply opposing Toferson, PETA will launch a new Eat-A-Friend campaign next year to "encourage cannibalistic behaviors and hasten the demise of the planet's most cancerous species."

Supporters of the new products suggest that PETA's fears are misguided. “I have hundreds of friends who were always curious about the taste of human flesh, but were always squeamish about actually trying it out,” said Abbey Scottsdale, director of Eating Rights Now. “When they try Artificial Hip Burritos or Fakin' Belly Button Bacon, they'll see how delicious it is, and it just may inspire them to try the real thing. Eventually, this could bring about a whole new generation of anthratarians.”

If Scottsdale is right, Sandy Brackett of Rhode Island, to this point a human-flesh abstainer, could become a member of the new cannibal generation. “I was watching the Olympic Games last year, and I just kept thinking, 'Those gymnasts look absolutely delicious!'" Brackett said. "But every time I was tempted to head down to the gymnastics studio and sample the local flavors, I just never had the guts—pardon the pun. But with Toferson's Parallel Granola Bars offerings, I can finally find out what I'm missing.”

But to anthratarians like Felwether, the effect on the size of the anthratarian population is secondary. “I'm just a cannibal, but as long as I've lived, people have treated me like some kind of barbarian,” he said. “If getting this issue out in the open removes the taboo even a bit, it's a victory for everybody. Because for too long, this stigma that I carry has just been eating me alive.”

Out-fluenza: How To Keep The Flu Out Of Your Home This Season

by Benjo

Hard as it is to believe, school is starting back up again. And that can only mean one thing: flu season is right around the corner. With this year's added peril of swine flu, it's more important than ever to be vigilant. Here are a few pointers to help you keep yourself and your family flu-free this fall.

Hand-washing
It is well known that the easiest way to avoid the flu is to wash your hands regularly. But studies show that under 10% of Americans are familiar with proper hand-washing technique. To be sure your hands are actually staying germ-free, follow these steps:

1. Turn the water on using the back of your hand.
2. Apply soap.
3. Wet your hands.
4. Apply soap again.
5. Wash under your fingernails.
6. Rinse the soap off.
7. To ensure all bacteria are fully removed, cut off your hands.
8. Dry off your stumps using an air dryer--not some scummy paper towel dispenser!
   

Doorknobs
Doorknobs are prime breeding grounds for the flu. Therefore, it is essential to complete the following steps to avoid the dangers they pose:

• Remove knobs from any doors you see.
• Look in the yellow pages for any stores that might sell doorknobs. If you find any, these are the types of extenuating circumstances in which arson is perfectly reasonable. (Make sure to use the type of fire that burns doorknobs, obviously.)
  
• If you break wind, and someone yells "doorknob," kill them immediately.

Reader Phyllis, of San Francisco, writes, "The neighborhood I live in is called Nob Hill. This is a different spelling...not to mention, it's just a name. So I'm okay, right?" Wrong. Your neighborhood is infested. Burn all your belongings and flee to Uzbekistan.

Schoolchildren
Schools are the easiest place for flu to spread. If your kids are enrolled in a school, it is recommended that you have them deported. If you see a little boy walking the streets with a schoolbag, assemble a mob to shame the boy and call him what he is: a bioterrorist.

In the event of flu
Reader Lesley writes, "Let's say I do get sick. Should I stay home?" The last thing we need in a flu epidemic is a sissy. Be a man, Lesley. And if you're a woman, get a sex change, then be a man. If you are a man, get a name change, because in the face of what could be the most devastating flu season in history, this Lesley crap ain't gonna fly.

Final thoughts
Realistically, anytime you go to work, or to school, or to the grocery store, or to the bank, you're exposing yourself to some risk of coming home with the flu. The best course of action, then, is to never go anywhere or do anything--for the rest of your life if possible, but at least for the duration of flu season.

But for a few of us, this is an impossibility. For those few, I offer that flu season is a misnomer; this is ambiguity season. By that, I mean that the uncertainty over whether you have caught the flu is far more dangerous than actually catching it. In other words, find someone with the flu and inhale their sneeze, for the last thing you want is a season-long case of anxiety. Because, to paraphrase FDR, the only thing we have to flu is flu itself.

Poll: Americans Eager To Get Screwed Over Even More On Health Care

by Benjo

You hear a lot of noise about the opponents of health care reform. But this poll should put to rest any doubts that they have their heads on straight.

Faced with crushing health care costs, record numbers of uninsured, and a squeeze caused by the recession, Americans want to see the country's health care system get even worse, a new survey shows.

The poll found that an overwhelming majority of Americans oppose efforts by Congress and President Obama to reform the system.

“A shitty health-care system is one of the things that makes this country great,” said Dale Lander, of Sheridan, Arkansas. “You want to live in a country where you're guaranteed cheap health care? Move to France.”

Dotty Rausch, of Wichita, also opposes a mandate for health insurance coverage. “This is just another case where the government is stepping into our lives, telling us what to do. I believe illness is a choice. And I will not let government take away my right to be sick and not have the means to do anything about it.”

Lander and other opponents of reform nonetheless support some elements of the White House's plan. “My big things are high costs and lack of coverage, so I am in opposition, let's get that clear,” Lander said. “But I have also long been a death panel advocate, so I was heartened to hear that they would be included in the bill.” Lander added, “I used to be a major supporter of Sarah Palin, but the fact that she is against the death panels is making me reconsider.”

Ned Bailey, of Waterford, Michigan, was among the 3% whose top priority for a health package was universal coverage. “I have been bankrupt, been made to suffer, and will probably someday be killed by this awful health care system,” Bailey said. “That 47 million people have been able to completely avoid this shitshow is simply unfair. Let's make them endure it with the rest of us.”

Decrease In Acceleration Of Rise In Unemployment Falls, Leaving Economists Arguing Over What Actually Happened

by Benjo

Dizzying news:

The decreasing rate of acceleration of rising unemployment went down this month, leaving economists reeling in an effort to determine whether this was a good or a bad thing. “The accelerating rise in unemployment went down. That means people aren't losing their jobs as quickly,” said Branford Wilhelm of the University of Chicago. "That's good." But Jacoby Roughrider, of Princeton, disagreed, pointing out that “this is the decrease in acceleration of the rise in unemployment. That means the acceleration went up.” At his press briefing on Monday, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said, “President Obama has not articulated a position on whether these numbers are what we want or what we don't want." But Gibbs denied charges that Obama was non-committal on not avoiding allowing a decrease in the rise of unemployment not to increase by the end of 2010, pointing out that “The President considers that one of his lowest non-priorities.”

Man Missing For 20 Years Surfaces, Is Declared Winner Of Hide-And-Seek Game

by Benjo

When I was a kid, I remember losing myself for days at a time in a game of Parsec, but this guy takes the idea of getting lost in a game to a whole different level.

Jake Litton, who has been missing since 1989, finally appeared on Tuesday, giving his family some long-awaited relief and putting an end to what historians are calling the longest hide-and-seek game ever played.

Litton's older brother, Danny, who now goes by Dan, and neighborhood youths Mike Danforth and Gilly Richardson, all came out of their hiding spots after an hour or so on the day the game began, when it was time for dinner. But Jake stayed put—until now.

“No one ever said, 'Come out, come out, wherever you are,'” Jake said. “So I assumed the game was still going.”

Jake came up with the idea for his hiding spot while eating breakfast on the day of the game. “No one would ever think to check there, so I knew it would be a winner,” he said. He declined to reveal the location of the hiding spot, citing his desire to use it again in future games.

“People think it would be boring, but to be honest, it was the best 20 years of my life,” Jake said. “Yes, I spent puberty in a hiding spot, but so does everyone, in a sense.”

Jake finally made the decision to come out when he smelled French toast. “I love my mom's French toast,” he said, “and I was really hungry—you know, since I've just been living on bugs and whatever else crawled by for 20 years.”

However, when he came downstairs for breakfast, he was met with disappointment. “It ended up being someone else's mom's French toast. Turns out my parents sold the house twelve years ago. The kid gave me a bite, though, so it's all good.”

“I'm relieved that my little brother's still alive,” said Dan Litton, who is now a commodities trader at Goldman Sachs. “But the idea that he won the game is total crap. We stopped for dinner, not because anyone ever found me. Hell, if I'd wanted, I probably could've lasted 20 years in my hiding spot, too.”

At 29 years old, but with only a third-grade education, Jake is not sure what he will do with his life. His first priority, he says, is to get his brother and the other kids in the neighborhood together for another game of hide-and-seek. “I was the winner,” he said. “So it's my turn to be it.”

Health Care FAQ: Separating Fact From Fiction

by Benjo

If you've been following the debate on health care reform, you know that a lot of half-truths, rumors, and flat-out lies are going around. Today, the White House published an FAQ to sort out what's true from what's not. Since they couldn't get to all the questions, I answered a few below.

Is Obama's health care plan socialism?
No. People throw the word socialism around a lot these days. What they tend to forget, though, is that our highways, fire departments, and postal service have been government-run for decades. To suggest that the existence of a public health care option will suddenly turn the United States into a socialist nation is preposterous: we're already there. The word for where this health care plan will leave us is Communism.

Is it true that the health care plan would kill our babies, or establish “death panels,” as former Alaska governor Sarah Palin has suggested?
Absolutely not. The government's confiscation of all first-borns will eliminate the need for any such death panels.

Is it true that Obama's health care plan would result in the euthanization of many elderly citizens?
This one is patently false. Euthanasia is the choice to actively put a person to death. Obama's plan would deny treatment to a person, so that the person withers away passively—i.e., on their own time. This is not euthanasia, and it is completely unfair to the president to suggest otherwise. Any pro-lifer would surely tell you that, just as abortion is a sin because it interferes with God's will, Obama's plan is ethically sound because it allows God's will to be followed.

Is Obama Hitler?
Since he has not released his birth certificate, there is no way to know for sure. But the Obama-Hitler comparisons made in recent days by Rush Limbaugh and others do have major factual problems. For instance, Hitler killed 6 million Jews, Polish Christians, gypsies, homosexuals, and handicapped individuals. Obama's plan, on the other hand, would allow all elderly persons to perish equitably, without regard to color or creed.

Five Particles Dead, Four Injured In Giant Particle Collision At Hadron

by Benjo

My heart goes out to the families of the particles.

Geneva Police are reporting five particles dead and four injured in a giant particle collision at Hadron, the particle accelerator that was switched on in Switzerland last fall. This marks the latest in a string of recent setbacks at Hadron. The previous one occurred at a ceremony last month for the unveiling of the enormous sign in front of Hadron, when it was discovered that the placement of the D and R had been accidentally switched.

Life of the Party: A Short Story by Benjo

by Edward J. Albenstein

I may be Benjoblog's official writer-in-residence, but by no means am I the only wordsmith around here: Benjo, it turns out, is a wonderful fiction writer.

Read his new short story, Life of the Party, at bengreenfield.com.

Steering Wheel Use Found To Be Associated With Traffic Accidents

by Benjo

I'm posting this article for the benefit of any of you who might be drivers. These days, people will use their steering wheel without a second thought, leaving neither hand free. Be careful out there.

Distractions from steering wheels cause tens of thousands of car accidents each year, according to a new study by statisticians Richard French and Ainsley Waring. Their research, which will be published in next month's issue of Science, finds that steering wheels are a factor in 95 percent or more of traffic accidents.

The study found that hands-free steering wheel use is not any better, as drivers may become complacent, with the expectation that their car will steer itself.

Despite the study's findings, many have continued to use their steering wheel, angering public-safety advocates. “It is not fair to the other drivers on the road for you to put their lives at risk so you can have a few seconds of convenience,” said highway patroller Mike Cary. “You need to use your steering wheel? Fine. But pull over before you do it.”

However, any choice regarding steering-wheel use is likely to leave the public's hands soon—literally. The Senate Committee on Commerce, Science and Transportation has scheduled hearings on a steering-wheel ban for just after the August recess, and are expected to pass legislation by the end of the year.

But some public-safety advocates complain that a steering-wheel ban does not go far enough. “Engines, ignitions, gas pedals, and drivers' seats provide just as much of a hazard to drivers,” said Terry McCourt, of Car Safety Now. “Not until these features are removed is a car really safe.”

The study is posed to reopen other long-closed issues of car safety as well. An analysis published in the Economist this week shows that nearly all deaths previously assumed to be alcohol-related appear also to have included a steering wheel, raising questions about whether it was the alcohol or the steering wheel that caused the accident.

Despite the overwhelming evidence supporting its conclusions, the study continues to face some skepticism. "I've been driving for thirty years and using a steering wheel that whole time," said Florette Watkins, 42. "It sure doesn't seem dangerous to me." However, French, one of the co-authors of the study, attributed Watkins's statement to a common logical fallacy. "Causation does not imply correlation," French pointed out.

French and Waring are best-known for their landmark 2006 study that proved that the administration of last rites was the leading cause of death in Catholics. Waring is currently working on the follow-up to his 2008 bestseller, Those Who Breathe, Die.

Army Developing Unmanned Targets For Use In Afghanistan

by Benjo

I was as devastated as you were by the news that Congress halted production of the F-22. Thankfully, we have ourselves an Army that's incredibly diligent about coming up with urgent new technologies that require our funding, so we don't have to worry about the government ending up with extraneous cash. Here's an excerpt of an article about one such innovation:

Following the success of unmanned aerial vehicles such as the Predator, the U.S. Army has been developing a high-tech unmanned target. Called the Prey, the targets are expected to be deployed in the treacherous region between Afghanistan and Pakistan as early as December.

The drone targets will be self-powered, requiring no human control, but will otherwise function identically to traditional targets.

“They will be spotted, targeted, attacked, and destroyed in exactly the same way as if they were manned; however, there will be no casualties,” said Jackson Wallace of Raytheon, the defense contractor developing the Prey.

When asked what the practical purpose of the drone targets will be, an Army spokesperson pointed out that that was a good question.

Judge Sentenced To 2 Years After Defendant Invokes “I'm Rubber, You're Glue” Provision

by Benjo

My thoughts are with the judge's family:

Judge Harold S. Marsh of Prescott, Minnesota, was sentenced to two years in prison yesterday after defendant Michael Holcomb invoked the “I'm rubber, you're glue” provision, which allows a statement to bounce off of a listener and stick to its speaker. Holcomb, whose trial had previously been suspended due to an inflagration of a witness's pants believed to have been caused by a lie told on the witness stand, was released shortly after the sentence was announced. Authorities say he will face no further prosecution for his crime of stealing the cookies from the cookie jar.

Chief Justice Roberts To Break Up Supreme Court, Pursue Solo Career

by Benjo

I'm devastated--the Supreme Court was always my favorite court, but I've never gotten a chance to see them live. I'll definitely go check out Roberts, but without Justices Breyer and Scalia on backing questions, it just won't be the same.

The Supreme Court of the United States will break up at the end of the term, allowing front man and Chief Justice John Roberts to pursue a solo career, sources say.

“John has felt like the Court has really been holding him back creatively,” said Edward Stapleton, a former clerk for Roberts who is close to the Chief Justice. “He does believe there are a lot of strong justices on the Court, don't get me wrong; but he is clearly the most talented. And he's definitely got the star power to make it as a solo justice.”

The Supreme Court has been together for 220 years, and has had rotating lineups throughout that time. Indeed, the Court currently includes none of its founding members, but has nonetheless continued to adjudicate under the original Supreme Court name.

According to law professor James Wicket, “They're like Santana in that way: you might have a new keyboardist, or Associate Justice, or what have you, but the ethos is the same.” Wicket noted that “The group Santana does have that guy Carlos Santana, who's been with them the whole time. Now there is no Carlos Supreme. But if there was, it would be Roberts, no question. He is the Court's backbone.”

Stapleton, the former clerk, and others have confirmed that Roberts has considered adjudicating under the moniker Carlos Supreme. As for what he will adjudicate, Stapleton said that Roberts is not opposed to re-adjudicating some of the classic cases from his days with the Court, but he will focus on new material.

According to Stapleton, Chief Justice Roberts had been pondering the decision to go solo since the Morse v. Frederick case in 2007. “He wrote the majority opinion, and thought the case was going to be huge,” Stapleton said. “But in the end, he felt that Justice Stevens's dissent prevented the case from becoming the huge hit that it could have been.”

Since joining the Court in 2005, Roberts has steered it in a direction that distinguished it from the Courts of preceding decades. “He was never interested in the synthesized stuff in the Court's opinions from the 80s—he found it, frankly, cheesy,” Stapleton said. “Ditto the grunge Court of the 90s. He's always been an independent guy, so it makes perfect sense that the Roberts Court has been the indie court.”

Despite the increased independence that Roberts will now enjoy, many question the wisdom of the breakup. Legal historian Linus Loriander points out that other justices have pursued solo careers in the past, only to find that their formulas did not work as well without their backing justices.

“They often find their courthouses empty within a few years. When you're accustomed to the roar of the giant crowds in the Supreme Court Chamber, that's hard to take,” Loriander said, noting that over half of justices who pursue solo careers end up reuniting with their original Court within a few years.

But some claim that visibility has nothing to do with the breakup. According to one Supreme Court clerk, Roberts's reasons for quitting are related more to his personal habits.

“It's the partying, period,” said the clerk. “Having been backstage at the Court, I can honestly say I've never seen anything like it. The celebrities, the intoxication, the groupies—all of whom flock to Roberts.” The clerk continued, “When his wife left him, that was a blow. When he had to go to rehab, it hurt, for certain. But I think the moment when it became crystal clear that the Roberts train had to stop was when the Chief Justice found himself blowing lines off Ruth Bader Ginsburg's tits.”

Spearmint-Filled Cigarette Helps Gum Addicts Beat Their Habit

by Benjo

I'm not a gum chewer, but this will surely be welcome news for some of you. Now if they'd only make a cigarette that will help me beat my addiction to Gossip Girls!

In an effort to wean heavy chewers off of gum, Philip Morris has recently introduced Bubbarette, a cigarette filled with spearmint leaves and other gum-flavored fillings.

“In months of testing, Bubbarette helped over 95% of chewers beat their addiction,” said company spokesman Donald Middlecross. “The cigarettes are safe, they're tasty, and they leave your clothes smelling minty-fresh. And best of all, they won't rot the teeth like gum, so even kids can smoke them.”

Indeed, as some of the most dedicated gum chewers, children are expected to be some of the heaviest Bubbarette smokers.

Pediatrician Jay Gorman says this is a good thing. “If kids smoke Bubbarettes, it's probably the most effective way to ensure that they don't develop a lifelong dependency on one of the most harmful habits out there: chewing gum.”

Third-grade teacher Dina Withers says that Bubbarettes will also help keep order in her classroom. “I'm thrilled. I'm never going to have to get on my knees and pick a cigarette off the bottom of a desk, because they don't stick. Plus, Bubbarettes have made my classroom smell delicious.”

Critics warn of the dangers of second-hand mint. Studies have shown that being in the same room as someone who has smoked seven Bubbarettes will leave an individual's breath just as minty as if she had smoked one Bubbarette herself.

Such criticisms have not derailed Philip Morris's efforts, however. Bubbarette (formerly known as Ciga Yum) currently exists in just spearmint and peppermint, but the company will soon add three more flavors: Cotton Candy; FruitStripe, which is a striped cigarette; and Sour Blueberry, which colors the tongue blue when smoked.

Bubbarettes work by gradually weaning chewers off of gum over the course of 12 weeks. While the first cigarettes are 100% mint leaves, mint is gradually removed and replaced by tobacco. By the twelfth week, the cigarettes are pure tobacco. Philip Morris recommends that chewers continue to smoke even after the twelfth week to prevent relapses.

“The gradual nature of the Bubbarette system has been key to my efforts to quit chewing,” said Darren Leonard of Wabash. “I tried to quit cold-turkey once, but the withdrawals were too intense. Now, I'm only two weeks away from the end of my program, and it feels great. I've never sat in the non-chewing section at a restaurant before. Now I'll finally have my chance.”

Leonard mentioned that, as the cigarettes have become filled with less mint and more tobacco, he has begun craving the cigarettes. “I don't know why that's happening, but it's fine with me,” Leonard said with a laugh. “Whatever it takes to get me off this nasty gum kick.”

Congress To Be Renamed After Corporate Sponsors

by Benjo

I've always been a proponent of spicing up the names of the houses of Congress. To that effect, I might have preferred something like the Tabasco Senate, or Dave's Insanity Senate. But this is a step in the right direction. An excerpt of the article:

Amid continuing financial woes, President Barack Obama signed into law the Congressional Nomenclature Amendment Act, which will provide corporate sponsorship for both houses of Congress.

In accordance with the new law, when Congress reconvenes on July 6 following their Independence Day recess, they will do so as the Verizon Senate and the International House of Representatives, or IHOR.

The bill, which will not directly plug spending holes in any government programs, but will instead provide $12.2 million to finance pay increases for members of Congress, passed the Senate last week by a 98-0 margin.

The move brought criticism from government watchdog groups, who worried about conflicts of interest. “Is a Senator going to be able to vote on a telecom bill that hurts Verizon?” asked Congress Watch spokesman Brian Levin. “We think not.”

Congressman Trent Franks of Arizona, a member of the Dunkin' Donuts Republican Party, disagreed. “Voters elected us in part because they know we have integrity. Why should the name of the building we're in change that?”

John Kerry, the USAir Junior Senator from Massachusetts, agreed with Franks. “Saying my legislation will be favorable to telecoms because I'm working in the Verizon Senate is like saying that Carlos Pena's home runs will be favorable to orange juice because he plays in Tropicana Field. It just doesn't make sense,” Senator Kerry said. “Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go hold a hearing on airline subsidies.”

Already, some conflicts have arisen. The General Motors Corporation is said to be interested in sponsoring its main subsidiary, Government Motors, which the federal government took over and renamed earlier this year. If that and GM's proposed sponsorship of the Department of Motor Vehicles move forward, sources say that the latter will be renamed the General Motors Government Motors Department of Motor Vehicles.

The sponsoring companies saw the deal as a major boost for business. "We project this will lead to millions in additional annual revenues," said IHOP spokesman James Schwenker. Schwenker denied reports of remaining tension from an earlier version of the deal that fell through, saying, "Sure, in an ideal world, we would have liked them to take the name International House of Representative-cakes. But all in all, we are very happy with how things have ended up."