If Friends Were Flowers: A New Year's Poem

by Edward J. Albenstein

A poem to express my gratefulness for your readership, and my wishes for a warm, loving year.

If Friends Were Flowers
by Edward J. Albenstein

If friends were flowers, I'd pick you.

If friends were chapters, you'd be #1 in my book.

If friends were weights, I'd lift you to grow stronger.

If friends were health food, I'd want you inside me.

If friends were muffins, I'd eat your bottom.

If friends were groceries, you'd be at the top of my list.

If friends were nets, you'd be a full one, because you're always able to give me butterflies.

If friends were friends' senses of humor, you'd be my favorite thing about you.

If friends were friends' bands' demos, I'd give you a listen, for sure. But let's be honest here--it's not because I'm expecting to like you. Because odds are, I won't. Odds are, I'll think you're an asshole. I'm doing it because you're my friend's band's demo. And when you get down to it, friends' bands' demos are friends, which means you listen to them. Even if they are assholes.

If friends were water, I'd keep you around even though you're pretty bland.

If friends were video games, I'd be reaching the point where I have to get straight with myself about you. Yes, I was happy when you came into my life. And we had lots of great times. I mean, your graphics are fucking sick. But I don't know, man. After so many years of you burning my eyes, not to mention my brain cells, I feel like it's time to grow up and acknowledge that, with every day I sit on the couch with you, I become one day fatter, one day dumber, and have one additional day's worth of hot chicks that are now out of my league.

If friends were the garbage, I'd dump your ass, because you fucking stink.

If friends were toilets, I'd sit on you and begin farting immediately.

If friends were keys on a keyboard, you'd be a new kind of key that deletes the last few lines. And I'd use you right now, because that was a little harsh.

If friends were the truth, this is what you'd be:

If friends were fly balls, you'd be an amazing catch.

If friends were birthdays, I'd celebrate you every time you came around.

If friends were flowers, I'd pick you.