Friday, September 25, 2009

Outbreak Feared After Second-Grade Class Infested With Cooties

by Benjo

I spent some time in Burundi in college, so I can claim to have seen cooties ravaging a country first-hand. Trust me when I say that it is bone-chilling. Be careful, folks.

WOOSTER, OH—The World Health Organization has issued a level five pandemic alert following an incident in a second grade classroom that has led to what officials are calling the most serious cooties scare since the Ring Around the Rosie Panic of 1941.

As news of the infestation broke, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention scrambled to manufacture millions of doses of cooties vaccine.

“We are extremely well prepared for this,” said CDC spokesman Arnold Nierman. Despite the organization's inexperience in dealing directly with cooties since the vaccine was developed in 1949, Nierman pointed out recent successes in combating other sexually embarrassing diseases, or SEDs. Their quick response to the outbreak of Upside-Down Boob Syndrome in the mid-90s helped turn more than one million boobs rightside-up; the defeat of pubic alopecia later in the decade was a direct result of the organization's partnership with Hair Club for Men in creating the company's spinoff, Pubic Hair Club for Men.

The scare began at the second graders' recess, according to witnesses. “The kids were all completely fine when they came in this morning—no symptoms of cooties at all,” said teacher Maya Lane. “Then at recess, there was some commotion among the girls about Ethan N., but I figured it was nothing. So we went ahead with our regular Duck, Duck, Goose game—and bang. Cooties everywhere.”

The CDC this morning banned Duck, Duck, Goose, calling it “among the greatest dangers to public health that the human species has ever devised” due to the methodical touching of every person in the circle. According to the provisions of the heightened alert level, the sharing of juice boxes and crazy straws are also prohibited. As an additional precaution, men and boys are to temporarily refrain from crossing swords in public restrooms.

Fears of an outbreak are already beginning to grip the public. Becca Greenberg of East Saint Louis said, “I was talking to this really sweet guy at the bar last night. He was in med school; his beard was immaculate; he even quoted the Talmud. But I noticed he kept sort of angling himself so he was in the shadows. Finally we came into the light, and I saw why: he was completely covered with cooties.”

Brian Denson fears a similar fate. “I just got out of a two-year relationship. Cooties are the last thing I need,” said Denson, 29. “I had cooties for all of third grade, and I honestly don't think I got laid once that whole year.”

Nierman said those in Denson's situation need not worry. “Cooties are like chicken pox: if you had them as a kid, it is extremely unlikely that you will contract them again. However, adult cooties are tremendously more severe than pediatric cooties, so those who never had the disease and were not vaccinated should exercise extreme caution.”

Lines of patients waiting for the vaccine stretched for up to four blocks. “I'm afraid of needles, so this is the first vaccine I've ever gotten,” said Randi Lemongrass, who then administered the vaccination for a friend: “Circle, circle, dot, dot, now you've got the cootie shot.”

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