Terrorist Tree Commits Suicide Attack On Parked Car

by Benjo

BELCHERTOWN, MA -- A tree crushed a parked BMW sedan in a suicide attack yesterday in the center of this small town. The tree, an oak, used itself as an improvised arboreal device, or IAD, destroying both itself and the car.

“Given the history of tensions between fundamentalist oak trees and German cars, we do believe this was a terrorist incident,” said police chief Gunther Napalm.

Noting that tree experts had confirmed that the tree was dead, Napalm said, “The fact that a tree would be willing to give its life to take the life of just one car should give us great pause.”

Authorities believe that the tree was acting alone, but are looking into the possibility that it was working with an accomplice--perhaps lightning. As a precaution, the wind was also detained briefly before being released late yesterday afternoon.

Napalm stressed that there is no evidence, however, linking the tree to al Qaeda or any other terrorist organization. Police are nonetheless continuing to look exhaustively into any possible connections.

“We want to be absolutely certain that we prevent the nightmare scenario,” said Napalm, “which is of course the possibility that a nuclear weapon would fall into the branches of terrorist trees.”

Car owners expressed outrage and fear following the attack.

“It would be one thing for it to attack a military car or a tank,” said Rodney Lang, 55. “But an innocent civilian car like this? It's unconscionable what these crazy oaks will do.”

Town mayor Landon Felder tried to calm these fears. “We want to remind people that the oak is a species of peace. The last thing we want is for there to be any aggression or ill will towards oaks or any other trees.”

Still, the possibility of species profiling remains a reality.

“If I see a tree of oak descent on the street at night, am I more likely to stop it and question it than if it was a pine? You bet I am,” said police officer Morris Daley. “If the oaks want that to change, they're gonna need to get out of the soil for once and do something about it. Maybe covering yourself with bark and living off sunlight worked a million years ago, but in the age of the internet, that's not gonna fly. These trees need to embrace modernity.”

ACLU spokeswoman Victoria Elmswether disputed those sentiments. “Ninety-nine percent of oaks live normal, peaceful lives,” she said, “and yet oaks have continued to face these speciesist profiling practices for years. This trend of trees being pulled over for 'Photosynthesizing while oak' has got to come to an end.”

Indeed, Napalm confirmed that the tree behind yesterday's attack was anything but a random oak. It had long been on a terrorist watch list, which would have prevented it from flying or traveling abroad.

Napalm noted that the tree had been indoctrinated during its adolescence by a fundamentalist tree preacher, or “treecher.” Said Napalm, “The treechers' message of hate resonated with the tree due to its upbringing in extremely poor soil, which the treechers blamed on car exhaust.”

He continued, “The only place we're going to stop this problem, then, is at the roots.”

Napalm is optimistic that such a program of nutrient-rich soil promotion will work. “If we can convince these young oaks that their earthly life is one worth living,” he said, “then there will be no reason for them to commit these suicidal acts in pursuit of the promised 72 piles of virgin mulch.”

Ashton Kutcher Livid After Discovering Patrick Swayze's Ghost Communicating With Demi Moore

by Benjo

Ashton Kutcher lashed out this afternoon after discovering that his wife, actress Demi Moore, has been communicating with the spirit of her Ghost co-star Patrick Swayze following the latter's death on September 14.

“When Whoopi showed up and started channeling Swayze, I thought I was being punk'd,” said Kutcher, referring to the MTV prank show he hosted from 2003 to 2007. “But when she started talking about details of my life that only Swayze would know, I knew it was for real.”

Kutcher said he first became suspicious when he whispered to his sleeping wife that he loved her one night last week. "She just said, 'ditto,'" Kutcher said.

Kutcher says that the communication will not affect his and Moore's marriage for the time being. “I'll tell you what, though,” he said. “The second Demi breaks out the pottery wheel, I am fucking out of here.”

Following Death Of World's Oldest Person, Fox Developing Reality Show To Find Successor

by Benjo

Interesting story: my great-great-great-grandfather in Ukraine was the oldest person in the world for 30 years, having inherited the position from his father. He eventually lost the title in a battle against the Poles; otherwise, I might be fourth in line for the title today. Fascinating to see how the rules of succession change over time.

On the heels of the death of 115-year-old Gertrude Baines, who until her passing was the oldest living person, the Fox network has announced a reality show, tentatively titled Who Wants To Be the Oldest Person in the World?, which will crown a new oldest person.

The news was welcomed by elderly citizens like 99-year-old Abigail Lyman. “Here I am, skin dripping off me like cheese off a pizza; can't hear, see, think, walk, remember, move, drive, clean, work, cook, eat, or breathe on my own,” Lyman said. “And yet, these 115-year-old freaks think they deserve the title just because they've been wasting away a few years longer? Well wait till they see what's coming to them.”

Bruce Namath, professor of Elderly Studies at Washington State, noted that the reality-show format is just the latest in a long line of methods that have been used over the years to determine the world's oldest person. "For centuries, the title was passed from father to son," Namath said. "The modern criteria for the title were not adopted until 1923, when scientists discovered that oldness was a function of how long an individual had been alive."

In Namath's view, this led to a dark age for the "world's oldest person" title. “The idea that the title would based on longevity alone is age discrimination, plain and simple.”

In spite of Fox's elimination of this outdated system, Namath has some worries about the show. “We should be extremely concerned about the frequency with which the oldest person in the world has been dying,” he said. “Baines's oldest-person predecessor died in January, and the previous one passed away last November. That means the oldest person in the world has been dying at a rate of more than once every four months.”

There has been much speculation regarding why the world's oldest person dies so often, but Namath believes there is a simple explanation. “It's the pressure,” he said. “You've lived 115 years, and suddenly people all over the world know about you? For someone who was born in 1895, the existence of mirrors is hard enough to wrap your head around. Seeing a Wikipedia page about your 115-year-old self is the kind of thing that will make an egg salad out of your already scrambled brains.”

However, Nancy Wiley, Age Historian at the University of Tennessee, points out that the second- and third-oldest people have died just as frequently. “What that shows, I think, is that the danger is a result of simply being on an 'oldest persons' list at all,” Wiley said. “What we need is to do away with these lists.”

Wiley believes that, lists aside, these supercentenarians could be the key to what is seen as the holy grail of medical research: a cure for old age. “Clearly, these people have some sort of immunity to oldness. We need to be going through their gene sequence to determine whether there are any clues that could point us toward a treatment or a vaccine.”

Despite initial difficulties recruiting contestants due to the high likelihood of the winner's death, Fox executives have fielded a cast of 25 men and women between the ages of 31 and 102, who will fly to Belize, where shooting will begin on October 12. Episodes, which will hit the air in early 2010, will consist of a series of challenges, including dune-jumping, a two-minute underwater swim, and a memory contest. The winner of each challenge will be the individual who performs it in the oldest manner possible.

Executive producer Jerry Lankler expects the show to be a huge ratings winner this fall. He is already working on a spin-off, Deadest Person Alive—which, he noted, should not be confused with the ABC show formerly called Alivest Dead Person, which was later transformed into the hit show Corpses Do the Darnedest Things.

Johnny Nailon, 7, Thanks Jesus For Go Fish Victory

by Benjo

Ever since ESPN started showing professional poker, I haven't followed my second favorite card sport, Go Fish. After reading the article below, I think I'll need to fix that.

After a stunning come-from-behind Go Fish victory, 7-year-old Johnny Nailon bowed his head in prayer, then spiked his cards.

“I want to thank Jesus for giving me that three of spades,” said Nailon, whose game against his brother, 11-year-old Damian, was his first ever. “I always told Damian Jesus liked me better, but this just proves it.”

Damian accused Johnny of cheating, suggesting that on more than one occasion, his younger brother peeked at the cards in the pile while he was going fish. Johnny refuted the accusation, saying, “It's not cheating if Jesus is trying to get you to do it.”

Christine Nailon, the boys' mother, agreed with Johnny. “Maybe if you'd gotten a better grade on your science test, Jesus would have let you win,” she told Damian after the game.

According to Mrs. Nailon, the tables turned when Johnny asked Damian if he had any jacks. Damian told Johnny to go fish. He fished a jack, jumped up, and yelled, “I fished my fucking wish!” repeating an exclamation he'd heard the previous week during his father's weekly game of Go Fish with his friends.

Since her children's game, Mrs. Nailon and her husband have been discussing Johnny's future. “For him to beat his older brother, who's much more experienced, in his first game, was a sign that Johnny's Go Fish talent runs deep,” she said. “We're going to take things one day at a time, but the prospect of a professional Go Fish career is exciting enough that we'd be crazy not to consider pulling Johnny out of school for it.”

Johnny will test the waters this Saturday, amongst an expected crowd of 200, mostly in their 50s and 60s, who will be competing for the title of “Go Shark” in the Greater Northeast Go Fish Tournament, where the top cash prize will reach $100,000.

Reports that Damian had converted to Judaism, as well as his apparent proclamation that “Moses and me are gonna kick Johnny's ass in H-O-R-S-E later on,” could not be confirmed as of press time.