Terrorist Tree Commits Suicide Attack On Parked Car

by Benjo

BELCHERTOWN, MA -- A tree crushed a parked BMW sedan in a suicide attack yesterday in the center of this small town. The tree, an oak, used itself as an improvised arboreal device, or IAD, destroying both itself and the car.

“Given the history of tensions between fundamentalist oak trees and German cars, we do believe this was a terrorist incident,” said police chief Gunther Napalm.

Noting that tree experts had confirmed that the tree was dead, Napalm said, “The fact that a tree would be willing to give its life to take the life of just one car should give us great pause.”

Authorities believe that the tree was acting alone, but are looking into the possibility that it was working with an accomplice--perhaps lightning. As a precaution, the wind was also detained briefly before being released late yesterday afternoon.

Napalm stressed that there is no evidence, however, linking the tree to al Qaeda or any other terrorist organization. Police are nonetheless continuing to look exhaustively into any possible connections.

“We want to be absolutely certain that we prevent the nightmare scenario,” said Napalm, “which is of course the possibility that a nuclear weapon would fall into the branches of terrorist trees.”

Car owners expressed outrage and fear following the attack.

“It would be one thing for it to attack a military car or a tank,” said Rodney Lang, 55. “But an innocent civilian car like this? It's unconscionable what these crazy oaks will do.”

Town mayor Landon Felder tried to calm these fears. “We want to remind people that the oak is a species of peace. The last thing we want is for there to be any aggression or ill will towards oaks or any other trees.”

Still, the possibility of species profiling remains a reality.

“If I see a tree of oak descent on the street at night, am I more likely to stop it and question it than if it was a pine? You bet I am,” said police officer Morris Daley. “If the oaks want that to change, they're gonna need to get out of the soil for once and do something about it. Maybe covering yourself with bark and living off sunlight worked a million years ago, but in the age of the internet, that's not gonna fly. These trees need to embrace modernity.”

ACLU spokeswoman Victoria Elmswether disputed those sentiments. “Ninety-nine percent of oaks live normal, peaceful lives,” she said, “and yet oaks have continued to face these speciesist profiling practices for years. This trend of trees being pulled over for 'Photosynthesizing while oak' has got to come to an end.”

Indeed, Napalm confirmed that the tree behind yesterday's attack was anything but a random oak. It had long been on a terrorist watch list, which would have prevented it from flying or traveling abroad.

Napalm noted that the tree had been indoctrinated during its adolescence by a fundamentalist tree preacher, or “treecher.” Said Napalm, “The treechers' message of hate resonated with the tree due to its upbringing in extremely poor soil, which the treechers blamed on car exhaust.”

He continued, “The only place we're going to stop this problem, then, is at the roots.”

Napalm is optimistic that such a program of nutrient-rich soil promotion will work. “If we can convince these young oaks that their earthly life is one worth living,” he said, “then there will be no reason for them to commit these suicidal acts in pursuit of the promised 72 piles of virgin mulch.”