Grocery Store Admits To Slowing Down Whichever Aisle Betty Lewis Is In

by Benjo

I swear this happens to me at my grocery store, too. I am so going to catch those MFers, just like Betty!

Betty Lewis always thought she just had bad luck. “I always try to pick the shortest aisle at Dillon's, but it always seems to turn out being the slowest one,” said Lewis, 63, of Motterville.

But as it turns out, luck had nothing to do with it. On Tuesday, police arrested Dillon's Grocery owner Matthew Richards on charges of a months-long conspiracy to slow down Lewis's aisle each time she visited the store.

In a statement, MVPD spokesman Randall Mink called the plot the largest grocery-store crime in history. By the time of the Dillon's arrest, authorities believe that up to 90% of the town's population had become complicit in the plot. However, Mink tried to tamp down fears that similar crimes would arise involving town-wide efforts to inconvenience a specific individual. “To be clear, this was in no way connected to or inspired by the 2004 plot in which Highway 54 drivers conspired to ensure that Ted Davis's lane would always be the slow one, even when Davis switched lanes. All evidence points to this being the only current conspiracy involving 90% of the town.”

A Dillon's customer who was involved with the conspiracy, who spoke only on condition of anonymity, opposed the MVPD's decision to disrupt the plot. “This was something my friends and I looked forward to—it was a community-building activity. Just like public sacrifices back in the day. I mean, if we could bring public sacrifices, I'd be all for it. But we can't, so this is the next best thing.”

Lewis herself found a silver lining in the news of the conspiracy, in the form of vindication. After years of watching complaints to friends about her bad luck fall on deaf ears, Lewis's credibility has reached new heights.

Peggy Danforth, a member of Lewis's bridge club, said, “I used to just tell Betty she thought she had luck because she'd focus on the bad times.” But after hearing of the arrests, Danforth's feelings changed. “She was right all along. And I feel horrible for having doubted her all this time.”

Danforth expressed openness to giving Lewis the benefit of the doubt on other claims she had previously considered dubious. “Betty thought that Obama was making eyes at her during the speech he made at the high school during the campaign. Over and over she said, 'He was checking me out, he was checking me out! I think he has the hots for me.' That sort of thing. I thought she was out of her mind. But now? It's hard to be sure.”

Lewis was grateful for her newfound credibility. “Now I can tell my grandkids that Obama and I almost had an affair. It's wonderful,” she said. “We probably wouldn't have kids, Obama and me—I mean at my age.” Her voice trailed off. “But who knows?”

“He's doing a wonderful job,” Lewis said. “I will say, I wasn't crazy about that dog he picked. But we can deal with that when the time comes, if I end up moving in to the White House.”

Lewis said she has not spoken to President Obama since the conspiracy was uncovered, but she did hire an artist to create a simulation of her and Obama's offspring. “He's a beautiful baby,” Lewis said. “And I'll tell you what: he wouldn't have any trouble getting through the grocery aisle. You know, being the President's son.”

Dick Cheney To Open Guantanamo Bay Yoga Retreat

by Benjo

An amazing report about the former Vice President's next project:

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, growing nostalgic for his purview over the Guantanamo Bay detention facility, has decided, in the free time he now enjoys as a private citizen, to open the Guantanamo Bay Yoga Retreat in his native Wyoming. The center, which is said to be the first yoga retreat in history to be surrounded by barb wire, is set to open this fall.

The retreat will teach a new discipline of yoga, authorized by Cheney, called Sivitanga, which roughly translates to Enhanced Interrogation Yoga Techniques. Like Bikram Yoga, Sivitanga is practiced at high temperatures. But while Bikram's 100-degree temperatures are intended to maximize blood circulation and calorie burning, Sivitanga is practiced at 225 degrees, so that its practitioners might be boiled alive.

While only four of the 22 students who took part in Sivitanga test sessions last week passed away as a result of the heat, session coordinator Anya Delylo predicted that that number would rise after the retreat opened. “These test sessions were conducted with some of the nation's finest yogis. As we accept students at Gitmo Yoga whose bodies are less toned, it is inevitable that many will reach terminal nirvana, or death, as a result of the sessions.”

The harshness of the techniques has resulted in criticism for Cheney's retreat even before it has opened.

“Let's call these disgusting techniques what they are: yoga,” said Red Cross spokesman Robert Bonner. “When the Khmer Rouge lined up dissidents in the streets and had them do the Bound Butterfly, it was yoga. When Mao took scholars out to the countryside and forced them to assume the Cobra Pose, it was yoga. This whole notion that it's yoga when other countries do it, but not when we do, is preposterous.”

The Red Cross teamed with other human rights organizations around the world in publishing an open letter calling on President Obama to ban Sivitanga, insisting that it violates the terms of the UN Convention on Yoga.

Cheney vehemently denied that the techniques constitute yoga, insisting that the word was used ironically in the name of his retreat. “The United States does not commit yoga. Period. These techniques were carried out in a manner that was humane, well-monitored, and conducive to increasing flexibility while improving general health.”

Student Ashley James, of Los Angeles, concurred. “I loved loved loved the waterboarding pose,” she said. “With all that heat in the room, it feels so good to have a little water sprinkled on you." James continued, "All of the survivors—or students, or whatever—were talking after the session, and we all agreed this is the most incredible kind of yoga we've ever taken part in. I just wish there was a Sivitanga studio near my apartment. If I could do Sivitanga after work and hit Jamba Juice on the way home? Ugh, it would be heaven on earth.”

Rose McDonald, of the Park Slope neighborhood of Brooklyn, agreed with Ms. James. “These new techniques are amazing. The limb-stretching exercises, and just the strain of being shackled for hours at a time, really helped me to get those last few pounds off after the pregnancy.”

According to one former advisor to the Vice President, Cheney decided to set up a yoga center within the week following the attacks of September 11. Another official close to the former Vice President suggested that, following his exit from public office, Cheney became obsessed with the idea that there was a connection between 9/11 and yoga instructors.

This account squares with descriptions of sitings of the former Vice President at the test sessions. “I saw him wandering through the hallway, all crazy-eyed,” said Will Rudy. “He was approaching every yoga instructor he saw—with his eyes, seriously, like darts—trying to get them to cough up information on where Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction were hidden.”

“I can't get over how creepy it was looking into those eyes,” Rudy said. “It was, like, torture.”

ATM Fees Begin to Exceed Withdrawal Amounts

by Benjo

Not sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, it seems wrong to go to an ATM and not get any money back because the fee is greater than the amount you want to withdraw. But on the other hand, ATMs are really convenient.

Rising ATM fees are nothing new. But recently, some patrons who try to withdraw cash from an ATM have been met with a surprise: the fees are actually larger than the amount of money they're trying to withdraw.

“The other day, I was trying to take twenty dollars out of my account,” said Chad Denton, 33. “But the ATM fee, as it turned out, was $25, so the ATM just subtracted the difference, and I didn't end up getting any cash back.” Denton, a Bank of America account holder, said, “I actually have to get five bucks to B of A now.”

Millie Davis, a Bank of America spokesperson, confirmed that Denton's experience was expected. “At some of our branches, fees reach as high as $30,” said Davis. “If customers are interested in receiving money, they will have to withdraw more than that. If they fail to do so, as was true in Mr. Denton's case, they will end up owing us money.”

Davis attributed the rising fees to the increasingly sophisticated touch-screen technology used by the machines. “The touch screens literally provide a tangible benefit to our customers,” she said. “Customers always have the option of a no-fee ATM that doesn't have a touch screen: it's called a mattress.”

A spokesperson for Sealy confirmed Davis's claim, but indicated that the mattress company is looking into the possibility of imposing fees each time a customer withdraws money from under a mattress.

Despite the increasing costs of using an ATM, customers remain undeterred from using them. “It's just so convenient to have a place on my block where I can just get money,” Denton said. “I mean, sure, I didn't actually get any money this time around, but still, the convenience makes it worth it.”

In an effort to make customers' ATM experiences even more convenient, Davis said, Bank of America will soon begin offering receipts of their transactions to customers who pay a mere $5 fee.

The Pun-Jokes

by Szabe

Benjo write the post about joke for mother. I give my mother a joke once: my school card!

My favorite jokes for mom was always the pun. The pun the only joke that give you all the funny to the humor, with language, and then so you think.

Here is my favorite Hungarian pun-jokes from growing up.

• What the difference is of a doggie with three foots and a mailman with three letters? The doggie with three foots have three paws, and the mailman with three letters have three mails!
• Did you heard about the man who ask his wife why she make so many jokes lately? She say she been trying to do more “humor”ous.
• When you cross a monkey with a pencil you get what? A monkcil.
• The lawyer prepare all week for his court case. He get ready notes and he get ready arguments. He talk to the witness and he look at the stories from before cases. He perfectly ready him for everything. Then the court case come, and he lose.
• What the definition of war is? The struggle on the battlefield between the states or nations for the particular ends.
• What does it call a kitchen with two refrigerates? A two-fridge kit chin!

Johnny Baker Goes to Room, But Refuses To Think About What He's Done

by Benjo

Just caught a snippet of this story on the news, but this was the only coverage of it I could find online. Links to more detailed stories would be appreciated--I can't believe organized crime is starting so young.

PINE BLUFFS, WY--Last Thursday night, after her son Johnny played with his food at the dinner table, Sandy Baker ordered Johnny to go to his room and think about what he'd done. Johnny dutifully proceeded to his room and shut the door. But according to local authorities, he neglected to think about what he'd done. Police spokesman Walter Dingle said it was initially suspected that Johnny, 7, was part of a local ring of children behind a recent wave of crimes involving a refusal to eat their vegetables. However, investigators eventually confirmed that Johnny acted alone. Since this is Johnny's first offense, he will not face prison time. But Dingle said that a repeat offense could land Johnny in his room for up to three hours with no chance of dessert.

Obama Calls Republicans' Bluff, Appoints Jesus to Supreme Court

by Benjo

A stunning pick. See below.

WASHINGTON, D.C.--Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell made headlines last week when he promised that Republicans would oppose President Barack Obama's eventual Supreme Court nominee. But in a move that strategists are calling political masterwork, Obama will call Republicans' bluff, nominating Jesus Christ to the Court early next week.

McConnell could not be reached for comment on the decision. But according to Republican strategist Mike Murphy, the political calculus is nearly impossible.

“On the one hand, if you vote for confirmation, you're backtracking on last week's promise, which is extremely embarrassing,” Murphy said. “On the other hand, if you vote against confirmation, you just voted no on fricking Jesus Christ.”

But even if He wins the support of some Republicans, Christ, the son of God, faces an uphill confirmation battle. Already, critics have questioned His eligibility for the Court, claiming that “natural-born” cannot apply to resurrections.

Others expressed concern over expectations about Jesus's legal decisions. Abortion-rights groups worry that Jesus, a fierce pro-life advocate during His days on Earth, could tip the Court towards overturning Roe v. Wade.

On school prayer, another hot-button issue for the Court in recent years, left-wing groups worry about a potential conflict of interests, since many of the prayers would be to Him.

Jesus's backers fiercely refute such claims. According to Heaven spokesman St. Peter, “Jesus understands that when He trades in His heavenly robe for His judicial robe, He's also trading in the word of God for the word of the Constitution.”

St. Peter added, “He will be an impartial judge, and He will not rule from the bench, unlike some of His liberal colleagues.”

Some, though, have difficulty with the details of Christ's career shift.

“I've spent my life as a dedicated follower of His work,” said John Tucker, a pastor near Tuscaloosa. “But now that He's supporting Obama's socialist agenda, I'm out.” Tucker does not know what he'll do now, but says, “I heard that Mohammed had some good things to say about same-sex marriage, so I'll definitely be checking their thing out.”

Other religious leaders were more optimistic. “I think it's silly that He's not Chief Justice, don't get me wrong,” said Bishop Matthew Landry of San Diego. “But let's face it, we've got another Republican joining the court. We should be happy.”

President Obama would not confirm the selection, but praised Jesus. “Jesus is someone who has a reputation for being a pragmatic leader, and who has always been a beacon of light on issues of justice. He is someone who has been an influence on me, particularly with respect to his ability to cross party lines to get things done.” Obama expressed hope that his eventual nominee will be quickly confirmed by the Senate.

Many analysts predict that Christ's confirmation will depend on His performance in confirmation hearings, as well as details that emerge about His earlier work. Christ's opposition to abortion, same-sex marriage, and stem-cell research are well known. But Republican operatives are poring through the Bible for hints about His views on states' rights, originalist readings of the Constitution, and Guantanamo detainees' habeas corpus rights, among other issues.

Whether Republicans in Congress will fall in line remains to be seen. But no one was more ecstatic about the pick than Independent senator Joseph Lieberman of Connecticut. “Finally,” Lieberman said, “a Jew on the Supreme Court.”

Interview with Nathaniel Abramson of NASA

by Benjo

Dr. Nathaniel Abramson is the director of the Extraterrestrial Life Exploration program at NASA, which is tasked with documenting and classifying any life on other planets in our solar system. I had the great fortune to speak with Dr. Abramson today.

BENJO: How are you doing today?

ABRAMSON: On a scale from 1 to 10, I'd say I'm somewhere between a 2 and a 9.

BENJO: That's a pretty broad range.

ABRAMSON: Narrowing it down even a little bit is what's important.

BENJO: Fair enough. So how is the life exploration coming along?

ABRAMSON: It's coming along well. Narrowing it down even a little bit is what's important.

BENJO: I'm sure. So have you actually found evidence of existing life on other planets?

ABRAMSON: Oh, sure. Tons.

BENJO: Is this—that's amazing. On which planet?

ABRAMSON: Oh, all of them. Uranus—all of them.

BENJO: There's life on Uranus?

ABRAMSON: Ha ha ha, no—that was a joke, of course. But all the other planets, yes.

BENJO: Well this is incredible news. I don't think it had been reported in any news outlet to this point. Can you tell me a little bit about some of these life forms?

ABRAMSON: Well let's see. There are cats on Saturn, newts on Jupiter—

BENJO: I'm sorry, did you say there were cats on Saturn?

ABRAMSON: Certainly—I mean, they're not housetrained, so they need to be walked. But look, don't act like these cats are barbarians—they'll purr if you pat them. Tell me, are you a cat owner?

BENJO: I—no.

ABRAMSON: They're really wonderful pets. Everyone is so addicted to dogs, and I just don't understand it. I used to be a dog person, but after comparing Saturn with the pound that is Venus, I can safely say that cats are the better pet. You know, my friend's selling Abyssinians, if you're interested.

BENJO: I'm fine, thanks.

ABRAMSON: So Benjo, when did you get into blogging?

BENJO: I—this interview is supposed to be about the Extraterrestrial Life Exploration program. We can talk about my blogging afterward.

ABRAMSON: As you wish, Benjo. You know, the need to exercise absolute power is the surest sign of absolute weakness.

BENJO: Dr. Abramson, can you tell me about some of the other findings made by your team?

ABRAMSON: The greatest discovery was when we went to Neptune and found a sushi joint run by two-toed sloths.

BENJO: Okay, that is just blatantly false.

ABRAMSON: Believe what you want.

BENJO: Dr. Abramson, does the Extraterrestrial Life Exploration program even exist?

ABRAMSON: Yes. Well, no.

BENJO: Do you work for NASA?

ABRAMSON: I used to work in Nassau, in the Bahamas, taking pictures of vacationers with parrots on their shoulder.

BENJO: Sir, what do you do for a living now?

ABRAMSON: I sell insurance. Benjo, do you rent or own?

BENJO: That's irrelevant. I rent.

ABRAMSON: Do you have renter's insurance?

BENJO: No. I've been thinking about it, but anyway, look—

ABRAMSON: Thinking is for professors, Benjo. Thinking won't reimburse you for damaged property in the event of fire.

BENJO: I know.

ABRAMSON: Listen, for just $14.99 a month, my policy will cover you for the original value of damaged items in cases of fire, theft, and even some natural disasters.

BENJO: You said $14.99?

ABRAMSON: Sure did. Why don't you look over this brochure, let me know if you have any questions, and then we'll get you set up with this right away. You never know when disaster will strike, Benjo. You need to be prepared.

BENJO: I can't believe I'm doing this. Can I write you a check?

ABRAMSON: Absolutely. You'll need to put down $89.94 to cover the first six months.

BENJO: And who do I make it out to?

ABRAMSON: To NASA.

BENJO: Wait, but I thought—

ABRAMSON: Nat Abramson Sales and Actuary.

BENJO (laughing): Oh, that's rich.

ABRAMSON: Sure is.

BENJO: Well, Mr. Abramson, thank you so much for coming by today.

ABRAMSON: Thank you, Benjo. It's been a pleasure talking with you.

Etari

by Benjo

Last week, at a Subway restaurant in Tehachapi, California, a cashier turned everything I thought I knew about vegetarianism on its head. My two friends had just paid for their Veggie Delite sandwiches, and I was doing the same. The conversation went as follows:

CASHIER: Three Veggie Delites, huh. Y'all are vegans?
ME: Vegetarians.
CASHIER: Right, vegans. Same thing.

I returned to my table and broke the news to my friends. “Fuck dick-a-shit ass ass ass!” Dan said.

“Dan,” I replied, “what are you talking about?”

“I'm sorry,” he replied, “but you know I curse unintelligibly when I find out I've been wrong about something for years.”

Zeke wiped a tear from his eye. “This is terrible, but how do we know she's not full of tofuloney? I mean, who is she, anyway?”

Dan snarled. “I'll tell you who she is: she's a food service careerwoman. That means it's her job to be a societal knowledge center when it comes to food-related issues.”

“Okay,” Zeke said, “you're right.”

“But not only that,” Dan said. “As a member of the native Tehachapi, she has a sixth sense when it comes to health and environmental issues that you and I can't even understand. They invented veganism long before the white man ever came along and turned it into a yuppie sport.”

“I know, I know,” Zeke said. “It's just that, well, the 'etari' was the most important part of my vegetarianism.”

“Well,” Dan replied, “you're going to have to let the 'etari' go. You're a vegan now.”

I chimed in. “Guys, I just have one problem with this. Isn't it a slippery slope?”

“Oh God,” Dan said. “You and your slippery slopes.”

“No, hear me out. I mean, who's to say the 'etari' is the only thing they strip from our vegetarianism? What's next, the 'eg'? if they got rid of that, we'd be vans.”

“We're not going to be vans,” Dan said. “Vans are already a type of shoes. If they tried to call us vans, it would be copyright infringement.”

“That's what you think,” barked a voice from the next table. We looked over and saw a grizzled truck driver in a flannel shirt and mesh hat. “That's what I used to tell the other caravanseraimobile drivers: 'They'll never call us van drivers—it'll be copyright infringement!'”

“Caravanseraimobile drivers?”

“That's right,” he said. “I used to drive soccer and lacrosse teams around in my caravanseraimobile. During the summer, I drove camp kids to the mountains for the day.”

He sighed. “But then one day, in 1957, I came into a Subway just like this one to get a few six-foot subs for the kids in the caravanseraimobile to share.”

“What happened?” Zeke asked.

“Well,” he said, “the young Tehachapi cashier asked, 'Is this for the kids in the caravanmobile?' I said, 'The kids in the caravanseraimobile.' She said, 'Right, caravanmobile. Same thing.'” He wiped his brow. “I brushed it off, thinking the woman was ignorant. But the next time I came in, they called it a caravan. It was then that I understood what was happening.”

“Wait,” Dan said. “Are you saying that what we call vans, you used to call caravanseraimobiles?”

“Not just me. That was their name. Look at the catalogs—Chevy, 1957, '56, all the way back to when they made their first model in '33, I think it was, to haul groups of homeless to local churches during the heart of the Depression so's they could get fed.”

“So what happened?” I asked.

“Well,” he continued, “as I said, I told all the other caravanseraimobile drivers the Tehachapi'd never take to calling 'em vans—just like you said, it would be copyright infringement. But they did it, and got away with it—it seems the Vans company relies on a dye for their shoes that only grows on the Tehachapi Plains, so they'll let the Tehachapi infringe on whatever they want, so long's they get the dye.”

“Why didn't you keep driving vans?” Zeke asked. Dan elbowed Zeke. “Sorry—caravanseraimobiles.”

“I couldn't do it—the parts that were most important to me were the serai, and the cara, and the mobile. They took those out, and it was like they took out my heart with 'em.”

“Just like 'etari' for me,” Zeke whispered.

“All the truck drivers you see on the road today used to be caravanseraimobile drivers,” the man said. “The Tehachapi stole our identity from all of us.”

“It's just so weird,” Dan said. “We always learn in school about the white man stripping the natives of their property and their identity, but somehow the stories of them stripping us of ours go untold.”

“Some say they did it to get revenge for the centuries of injustice,” he said. “Some say it was the first step toward starting a van empire. I say that doesn't matter. What matters is that they need to be stopped. And you boys are the only ones who can stop them.”

“Us?” I said, stunned.

“They're trying to transform everyone and everything into vans. Vanna White resisted, and so did the guys from Evanescence, but most have succumbed. You must traverse the country, find all those with whose identities the letters V, A, and N are intertwined, and band them together. And start—”

Just then, his speech and our rapt astonishment were cut off by a cry from the cash register.

“Oh, that's right!” the voice said. Its owner, the cashier, walked toward us. “Hey guys,” she said. “Know how I said vegans and vegetarians were the same thing? I muffed up.”

Never had I felt so relieved. The truck driver must have overheard our exchange, written a quick fairytale in his mind, and told it to us to give himself a little bit of fun to relieve the monotony of the road. Or maybe decades of marathon driving sessions had just made him insane. Either way, it was a simple misunderstanding, and the cashier had just misspoken.

Or so I thought.

“I was just talking to Cherise,” the cashier continued, “and she told me it was actually vegetarians and vans that are the same thing.”

Dan, Zeke and I looked at each other, then at the truck driver, then back at each other, then we all ran for the door. And in a sense, we haven't stopped running since we left Tehachapi.

Your Mother

by Benjo

Over the centuries, mothers have silently suffered enormous hardships, their bravery and pain all too often unrecognized or underappreciated. From infant mortality to oppressive paternalistic societies and on and on, the list of offenses is devastatingly long. It can be safely said, however, that no injustice has been as traumatic to mothers as one that has arisen in the last two decades. I'm talking, of course, about Your Mother jokes.

Everybody knows that these jokes are unfunny, but what's more striking is that they are almost always untrue. My mother, for example, is impressively fit, and yet, a young man with whom I went to grade school insisted that people mistook her for a truck in reverse when her pager went off.

An end to this tomfoolery is long overdue. It is time to take back Your Mother jokes, and for this, no occasion is more appropriate than Mother's Day. On that note, I have created a new line of these jokes that highlight some of the positive aspects of our mothers. Create your own, and share them in the comments or just tell them to your friends or your mother. Happy Mother's Day!

Your mother's like the village dentist: she gives everyone a great smile!

Your mother's so great, if you look up “wonderful” in the dictionary, there's a picture of her!

Your mother's so smart, she knows what a quarterback is even though she doesn't watch football!

Your mother's so reasonable that to get on her good side, you need to be honest, genuine, and kind!

Your mother's like a race car driver: she's steady, calm, and she knows how to handle even the hardest turns! In short, she's a champion!

Your mother's so fit that when she went to the doctor, he said, “What are you doing here? You are literally the healthiest patient I've ever seen!”

Your mother looks so good for her age that when she goes to the cosmetics store, they will seriously refuse to sell anything to her because of how good she looks.

Your mother's teeth are so white, a cokehead once tried to snort them!

Your mother's so caring, she helped the cokehead deal with his addiction, and he's doing great now!

Your mom's so faithful that she won't even drink through a straw unless it tastes like your daddy's!

Is Nothing Sacred?

by Benjo

By now, you've all seen the picture of what, given Michael Phelps's lung capacity, may well have been the biggest bong rip in history.

As an outspoken critic of the war on morality, I was shocked by Phelps's conduct. He'd always struck me as a genuine guy, so it was saddening to learn that he is in fact a fraud. That he won his medals and broke his records not because he was more skilled or more prepared than his competitors, but because he was more stoned. The performance aside, though, I remember when being a role model meant something. I mean, what's next--we find out that Lance Armstrong won all those Tours de France because he was on cigarettes? It begs the question: Is nothing sacred? Is nothing true?

It is my understanding that Phelps was supposed to visit the White House soon. This provides our new president, himself a role model to so many, with an opportunity to send a powerful message to our nation's youth: if you do something so immoral, so stupid, and so destructive as smoking pot, then you will truly never succeed; instead, you will end up a washed up 23-year-old with little chance of ever winning a 15th Olympic gold medal.

We don't need junkies in the White House. Join me in calling for President Obama to disinvite Michael Phelps.

New Look, Same Great Uncertainty for Pepsi's Customers

by Benjo

I've been hearing quite a bit from readers recently about the new Pepsi bottle. Here's a picture, for those who haven't seen it:
What's remarkable is not what you see on the bottle, of course, but what you don't see. A representative first-sighting story, from reader Mobius, happened on New Year's Day:

I had this truly epic hangover. So I went to 7-Eleven for a two-liter of Pepsi, as a pick-me-up. I get to the fridge, and there's this swoopy logo that kinda looks like the Obama thing. I'm like, "Okay, fine. New look. Same great taste too though, right?" Wrong. Looked the bottle up and down like a gift horse, looking for that New Look, Same Great Taste logo--nothing. Pretty shitty way to start off a year.

Reader ShirlGirl was also thrown off by Pepsi's new logo, but in a different way:

I don't consider myself very visually inclined. So I didn't even realize there was a new look--those New Look, Same Great Taste logos are usually the only way I know that a logo has changed. I got to the register, and the cashier asked me what I thought of the new look. Well, I nearly had a heart attack!

Another reader contrasted his experience with Doritos' makeover earlier in the decade:

I saw the Nacho Cheesier bag from afar and freaked out! I mean, the new look must mean that the taste is much worse, right? But I looked closer, and there's the logo, telling me that it's the same great taste. Kind of crazy--a completely new look, and yet the taste hasn't changed, not even a bit? That's a pretty unbelievable thing, that they're even able to do that.

These emails, and dozens of others just like them, made it clear to me that, without proper labels, consumers have no way of knowing what they're buying. But just how deep is the problem? I mean, if the logo for a food or drink product changes, do you assume the taste has changed too? For more on this, I contacted Jerry Dinkins, who is a well-respected soft-drink enthusiast. His comment:

If the look changes, it's almost obvious that the taste changes too, unless they explicitly tell you otherwise. I mean, just look at the different forms a Pepsi can take. You got the can; the glass bottle; the big plastic bottle. Do all of them taste alike? Of course not. Everyone knows the glass bottle is the tastiest.

If all this is true, though, how does Pepsi get away with such a blatant lack of transparency with their customers? For some insight, I contacted Pepsi representative Darren Lane. Lane conceded that the absence of a logo leaves the taste of the soft drink a mystery. But he fiercely disputed the notion that this mysteriousness hurts customers.

It's preposterous. People love mystery--Agatha Christie proved that long ago. It's part of the beauty of our product that you don't know exactly what's inside the bottle, and we take great pride in that. Fine, a few people are put off by the lack of Same Great Taste logo, and they don't buy the drink. Well I've got some news for you: the only one that's hurt by those lost sales is us. So let us worry about that. You worry about what your kids are doing. You know? People should be worrying about what their kids are doing.

However, I spoke with societal psychologist Diane Timlin, and she believes that Lane is missing the point.

Flavors and tastes are a fundamental component of the set of stimuli that shape our reality. If you see an unfamiliar-looking Pepsi bottle with no indication of the status of the taste, you question that reality. Now, when you question, you lose touch. And when you lose touch with reality, you lose your identity; you become, for all intents and purposes, insane. Now when you start to think about the sheer number of people who see this new Pepsi bottle, you're talking about insanity on a mass scale. That's just the simple scientific truth.

Consumer-rights advocates have been trumpeting the degradation of civic life that's brought about by incomplete labels for years. Many hope that, with a Democrat in the White House and a strong majority in Congress, their goals will finally be codified in law. Vince Roberts, of Soda Citizen USA, better known as SCUSA, mentioned a bill that has been circulating in Washington for years. The bill, known as the Same Great Taste Act, would require companies to post prominent logos on any product on which the look has changed, informing the customer that the taste is the same.

But Roberts says that ShirlGirl's case proves that reforms need to go farther than just that bill:

If the look hasn't changed, but the taste has, companies need to let you know. If they've both changed, same thing. And if nothing's changed? Well, you need a "Same Look, Same Taste" icon there, too. Because frankly, the customer needs to know.

Stay tuned to see what kind of legislation gets passed. Until then, I'll be sticking with the classic:

Double-President Obama

by Benjo

My earlier decision not to recognize Obama due to the oath-bungling was misguided. Perfect or imperfect, the oath made him President.

Congratulations, President Obama.

Update (5:55 PM): This statement from White House Counsel Greg Craig just came in:

...because there was one word out of sequence, Chief Justice Roberts administered the oath a second time.

If I'm going to give someone the title President when he takes a flubbed oath, I'd better give him the same title when he takes a nailed one.

Congratulations, Double-President Obama.

Inauguration Liveblog

by Benjo

11:07 AM: Update: Looks like Roberts was actually the epic flubsmith. Either way, the important point remains: the Constitution has been all but set aside over the last eight years, and I will not stand to see it suffer the same fate for the next four. Therefore, I am not recognizing Obama as my president until they do it over.

9:10 AM: I want to be optimistic, but the first task every president faces is the simplest: say what the Chief Justice just said. And dude failed it miserably.

9:07 AM: NOT!!!!

9:06 AM: I miss Bush already.

9:05 AM: Feinstein: "Everyone please stand." Except Cheney. Heh.

9:04 AM: This inauguration ceremony is proof that there's a fine line between the truly touching and the boring as fuck.

8:59 AM: Marshall: "I think there are some moments for which the only fitting commentary is silence." Dude, the Marxist state you've worked so long to bring about is literally moments away from starting, and you can't think of anything to say about it? What a hack.

8:55 AM: Josh Marshall calls images of Cheney in a wheelchair "iconic." The MSNBC commentators expressed a similar idea--I think their word was "symbolic." But there was a report on Fox News earlier that debunked this notion: it turns out it simply is what it is. Someone needs to communicate this to the liberal media.

8:51 AM: J'ada says "The era of misunderestimation is over." Or is it just beginning?

8:43 AM: Twenty minutes before Obama takes the oath, Kevin Drum blogs about Jeffrey Goldberg blogging about bloggers who blog about minorities that won't soon rise to power in other countries. I keep thinking, at some point, maybe you want to stop doing this third-degree blogging and just absorb this moment. I don't know, is it just me or is Drum being kind of ridiculous?

8:39 AM: Chris Matthews reacts to the look on Barack Obama's face as he emerges from the Capitol building: "He knows they're here for him." Right on, future Senator. Right on.

8:35 AM: The Yglesias liveblog begins. His thoughts on the transfer of power are overshadowed by his decision, on this important day, not to seek the limelight, but instead to capitulate to stereotype: he is blogging from the couch.

8:32 AM: Not to dwell on the Caucus, but it should be noted that they are doing almost as remarkable a job at noting who has arrived as CNN is at showing it. Kudos for the service you are doing, NYT.

8:23 AM: The Caucus posts a picture of the outgoing and incoming first couples. I zoomed in to isolate the new presidential dance move that Michelle seems to be debuting for the Bushes:
8:07 AM: Ambinder speaks. Um, we're inaugurating the first black president, and all you can talk about is security? Stop avoiding the issues, Ambinder.

8:00 AM: Ambinder is speechless: two straight posts with a picture and no words. We can see the images on MSNBC, Ambinder, but none of the channels are broadcasting what's in your head. What's in your head, Ambinder?

Good morning, readers. It is January 20, 2009, and news is literally being made. As soon as other livebloggers start having thoughts about it, I'll give you my reactions to them.

Inauguration Liveblog Alert

by Benjo

Apologies for the lack of recent posts; I'd pledged to finish knitting a scarf from my dog's fur, using the recipe listed here, so that I could wear it to the inauguration ceremonies. Unfortunately, chihuahuas turn out not to be very scarfable. As a casual scholar of the first President Harrison, I was not about to brave the inauguration scarfless, so I will be consuming the inauguration televisually.

Lucky for the public, so will thousands of members of the liveblogosphere, and I will be liveblogging their liveblogs tomorrow. So the moment that there is second-hand, reactive news, you can read about it right here.

News Year 2009 Resolution

by Szabe

This year I make a News Year resolution. I make it out of 3 shoots of vodka and some cranberry's juice!

That is joking. But really, people say to me, Szabe, do you resolute anything for News Year 2009, and do you keep it? I am sadful to say, it is January 8, and I already break my resolution!

What did I resolute? I wanted to resolute only one thing, and something that break a bad habit. One of my most bad habits is breaking News Year resolutions! So my only resolution for this year is to go one month without breaking a resolution. I make it almost one week with no trouble, but finally yesterday the urge get too hard. It always do!

What did all of you resolute? And do you do anything fun for New's Year Eve? And if yes, why not you invited me? Just jokes!