Sunday, May 10, 2009

Your Mother

by Benjo

Over the centuries, mothers have silently suffered enormous hardships, their bravery and pain all too often unrecognized or underappreciated. From infant mortality to oppressive paternalistic societies and on and on, the list of offenses is devastatingly long. It can be safely said, however, that no injustice has been as traumatic to mothers as one that has arisen in the last two decades. I'm talking, of course, about Your Mother jokes.

Everybody knows that these jokes are unfunny, but what's more striking is that they are almost always untrue. My mother, for example, is impressively fit, and yet, a young man with whom I went to grade school insisted that people mistook her for a truck in reverse when her pager went off.

An end to this tomfoolery is long overdue. It is time to take back Your Mother jokes, and for this, no occasion is more appropriate than Mother's Day. On that note, I have created a new line of these jokes that highlight some of the positive aspects of our mothers. Create your own, and share them in the comments or just tell them to your friends or your mother. Happy Mother's Day!

Your mother's like the village dentist: she gives everyone a great smile!

Your mother's so great, if you look up “wonderful” in the dictionary, there's a picture of her!

Your mother's so smart, she knows what a quarterback is even though she doesn't watch football!

Your mother's so reasonable that to get on her good side, you need to be honest, genuine, and kind!

Your mother's like a race car driver: she's steady, calm, and she knows how to handle even the hardest turns! In short, she's a champion!

Your mother's so fit that when she went to the doctor, he said, “What are you doing here? You are literally the healthiest patient I've ever seen!”

Your mother looks so good for her age that when she goes to the cosmetics store, they will seriously refuse to sell anything to her because of how good she looks.

Your mother's teeth are so white, a cokehead once tried to snort them!

Your mother's so caring, she helped the cokehead deal with his addiction, and he's doing great now!

Your mom's so faithful that she won't even drink through a straw unless it tastes like your daddy's!

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