Johnny Nailon, 7, Thanks Jesus For Go Fish Victory

by Benjo

Ever since ESPN started showing professional poker, I haven't followed my second favorite card sport, Go Fish. After reading the article below, I think I'll need to fix that.

After a stunning come-from-behind Go Fish victory, 7-year-old Johnny Nailon bowed his head in prayer, then spiked his cards.

“I want to thank Jesus for giving me that three of spades,” said Nailon, whose game against his brother, 11-year-old Damian, was his first ever. “I always told Damian Jesus liked me better, but this just proves it.”

Damian accused Johnny of cheating, suggesting that on more than one occasion, his younger brother peeked at the cards in the pile while he was going fish. Johnny refuted the accusation, saying, “It's not cheating if Jesus is trying to get you to do it.”

Christine Nailon, the boys' mother, agreed with Johnny. “Maybe if you'd gotten a better grade on your science test, Jesus would have let you win,” she told Damian after the game.

According to Mrs. Nailon, the tables turned when Johnny asked Damian if he had any jacks. Damian told Johnny to go fish. He fished a jack, jumped up, and yelled, “I fished my fucking wish!” repeating an exclamation he'd heard the previous week during his father's weekly game of Go Fish with his friends.

Since her children's game, Mrs. Nailon and her husband have been discussing Johnny's future. “For him to beat his older brother, who's much more experienced, in his first game, was a sign that Johnny's Go Fish talent runs deep,” she said. “We're going to take things one day at a time, but the prospect of a professional Go Fish career is exciting enough that we'd be crazy not to consider pulling Johnny out of school for it.”

Johnny will test the waters this Saturday, amongst an expected crowd of 200, mostly in their 50s and 60s, who will be competing for the title of “Go Shark” in the Greater Northeast Go Fish Tournament, where the top cash prize will reach $100,000.

Reports that Damian had converted to Judaism, as well as his apparent proclamation that “Moses and me are gonna kick Johnny's ass in H-O-R-S-E later on,” could not be confirmed as of press time.

Outbreak Feared After Second-Grade Class Infested With Cooties

by Benjo

I spent some time in Burundi in college, so I can claim to have seen cooties ravaging a country first-hand. Trust me when I say that it is bone-chilling. Be careful, folks.

WOOSTER, OH—The World Health Organization has issued a level five pandemic alert following an incident in a second grade classroom that has led to what officials are calling the most serious cooties scare since the Ring Around the Rosie Panic of 1941.

As news of the infestation broke, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention scrambled to manufacture millions of doses of cooties vaccine.

“We are extremely well prepared for this,” said CDC spokesman Arnold Nierman. Despite the organization's inexperience in dealing directly with cooties since the vaccine was developed in 1949, Nierman pointed out recent successes in combating other sexually embarrassing diseases, or SEDs. Their quick response to the outbreak of Upside-Down Boob Syndrome in the mid-90s helped turn more than one million boobs rightside-up; the defeat of pubic alopecia later in the decade was a direct result of the organization's partnership with Hair Club for Men in creating the company's spinoff, Pubic Hair Club for Men.

The scare began at the second graders' recess, according to witnesses. “The kids were all completely fine when they came in this morning—no symptoms of cooties at all,” said teacher Maya Lane. “Then at recess, there was some commotion among the girls about Ethan N., but I figured it was nothing. So we went ahead with our regular Duck, Duck, Goose game—and bang. Cooties everywhere.”

The CDC this morning banned Duck, Duck, Goose, calling it “among the greatest dangers to public health that the human species has ever devised” due to the methodical touching of every person in the circle. According to the provisions of the heightened alert level, the sharing of juice boxes and crazy straws are also prohibited. As an additional precaution, men and boys are to temporarily refrain from crossing swords in public restrooms.

Fears of an outbreak are already beginning to grip the public. Becca Greenberg of East Saint Louis said, “I was talking to this really sweet guy at the bar last night. He was in med school; his beard was immaculate; he even quoted the Talmud. But I noticed he kept sort of angling himself so he was in the shadows. Finally we came into the light, and I saw why: he was completely covered with cooties.”

Brian Denson fears a similar fate. “I just got out of a two-year relationship. Cooties are the last thing I need,” said Denson, 29. “I had cooties for all of third grade, and I honestly don't think I got laid once that whole year.”

Nierman said those in Denson's situation need not worry. “Cooties are like chicken pox: if you had them as a kid, it is extremely unlikely that you will contract them again. However, adult cooties are tremendously more severe than pediatric cooties, so those who never had the disease and were not vaccinated should exercise extreme caution.”

Lines of patients waiting for the vaccine stretched for up to four blocks. “I'm afraid of needles, so this is the first vaccine I've ever gotten,” said Randi Lemongrass, who then administered the vaccination for a friend: “Circle, circle, dot, dot, now you've got the cootie shot.”

Ahmadinejad: "The Nile Is Not Just A River In Egypt"

by Benjo

In his speech today at the United Nations, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said, "The Nile is not just a river in Egypt." He pointed out, "it also flows through Tanzania, Uganda, and Sudan, among others."

Ahmadinejad, who last week called the Holocaust "a lie," cited a survey that found that over 90% of Americans believe the Nile only flows through Egypt. "If the visions of these individuals were borne out, it would simply wipe stretches of the continent off the map," the Iranian leader said. Ahmadinejad offered to partner with these Americans in a project that would divert portions of the river through Israel. As of publication time, 90% of Americans could not be reached for comment on the Iranian president's offer.

More on this story as it develops.

Typo Leads To Military Coupe In Angola

by Benjo

There has never been clearer evidence that the Pentagon's billion-dollar typography budget is money well-spent; the story below illustrates the type of national crisis that our elaborate spell-check system has been so successful in preventing.

LUANDA, ANGOLA – Following what many believe to be a typographical error in an email from Army Chief Kundy Pahiama, a military coupe was staged here last night.

The email from Pahiama, which was sent at 10:30 p.m. local time last night, lamented that “dealing with President Santos in a civil manner has proven impossible,” and concluded that “staging a military coupe at the Presidential Palace is the only viable option.”

Following the email, top generals scrambled throughout the night first to deck a coupe out in camouflage, and then, to assemble a stage in front of the palace on which the coupe would sit.

“Some people may ask, 'Why a military coupe? What is the significance of this?'” said one general who insisted on anonymity. “The answer is obvious: for too long, we have been fed up with the military sedans the President has made us drive.”

Asked if a typo was suspected, the general said, “Absolutely not. Pahiama got where he is on his spelling prowess. Besides,” he said, “what else would he have meant to write?”

The government, however, is taking the threat of a typo very seriously. Upon witnessing the coupe on stage this morning, the full resources of President Santos's staff were deployed to investigate whether a typo had occurred, and if so, what the intended message was. Many officials believe that Pahiama intended to impose a military coupon, which would have illegally given generals up to 50% off at retail stores such as Macy's or Bloomingdales.

If the coupe was indeed accidental, it would hardly be the first event in world history to be shaped by a typo. Martin Van Buren, the eighth President of the United States, is rumored never to have slept with his wife while in office because an adviser accidentally wrote him a memo informing him that he was only eligible for an erection every four years. The so-called Presidential Blueballs of 1837 is said to have cost Van Buren any chance at a second term.

More recently, President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe attempted in 1989 to instruct his generals to commit genocide, but accidentally wrote them a note requesting “gonocide” instead, leading them on a crusade to rid the world of gonorrhea. That crusade continues to this day.

In more recent United States history, an al-Qaeda cell in Chicago received a telegram instructing them to “glow up” the city's Sears Tower. What was intended to be a devastating terrorist attack instead turned into a dazzling light show.

The Angolan government is expected to reach a conclusion on last night's events sometime next week. The President released a short statement today indicating that until the report's release, “General Pahiama Will Be Suspended Without Pat.” This is expected to be a crippling blow for Pahiama, as “It's Pat” is the general's favorite movie.

New “Toferson” Products Offer Cannibals A Tasty Vegetarian Alternative

by Benjo

Benjoblog has been on the vegetarian beat since shortly after our inception. But never has our meatless appetite been quite so whet as it is now that we get to deliver the news that the mock-meat-loving community is ready to accept a new cohort: veggie cannibals! Story follows.

Following years of success in offering a soy-based Thanksgiving alternative to non-meat-eaters, the Tofurky company has announced a new line of vegetarian human-flesh options for cannibals. Called Toferson, the fake-meat products will hit stores in early 2010.

The product line will include crunchy snack foods like False Teeth Crisps and imitation kitchen staples like Can't Believe It's Not Butt. Additional products, such as the Wiener Wiener, Cameltofu, and Mock Cock, were deemed too racy for supermarkets, and will be sold only in sex-oriented food stores.

The announcement was embraced by vegetarian cannibals—or anthratarians, as they prefer to be called—around the country.

“By nature, I eat people, but at heart, I have morals,” said Percy Felwether of North Dakota. “I believe a vegetarian diet is the ethically and environmentally appropriate way to live. But I still adore the tangy taste of cooked human flesh. Now, I finally have a way to reconcile my beliefs with my natural tendencies.”

The products are not without their critics, however. “We are completely opposed to the killing and eating of innocent animals,” said PETA spokesman Lyle Renfro. “But the killing and eating of humans is an entirely different story. Humans have caused more death, pain, and extinction to animals than any other species in the history of the world. So we embrace cannibalism--provided, of course, that the people being consumed are animal-killing meat-eaters.”

Renfro went on to say that, beyond simply opposing Toferson, PETA will launch a new Eat-A-Friend campaign next year to "encourage cannibalistic behaviors and hasten the demise of the planet's most cancerous species."

Supporters of the new products suggest that PETA's fears are misguided. “I have hundreds of friends who were always curious about the taste of human flesh, but were always squeamish about actually trying it out,” said Abbey Scottsdale, director of Eating Rights Now. “When they try Artificial Hip Burritos or Fakin' Belly Button Bacon, they'll see how delicious it is, and it just may inspire them to try the real thing. Eventually, this could bring about a whole new generation of anthratarians.”

If Scottsdale is right, Sandy Brackett of Rhode Island, to this point a human-flesh abstainer, could become a member of the new cannibal generation. “I was watching the Olympic Games last year, and I just kept thinking, 'Those gymnasts look absolutely delicious!'" Brackett said. "But every time I was tempted to head down to the gymnastics studio and sample the local flavors, I just never had the guts—pardon the pun. But with Toferson's Parallel Granola Bars offerings, I can finally find out what I'm missing.”

But to anthratarians like Felwether, the effect on the size of the anthratarian population is secondary. “I'm just a cannibal, but as long as I've lived, people have treated me like some kind of barbarian,” he said. “If getting this issue out in the open removes the taboo even a bit, it's a victory for everybody. Because for too long, this stigma that I carry has just been eating me alive.”

Out-fluenza: How To Keep The Flu Out Of Your Home This Season

by Benjo

Hard as it is to believe, school is starting back up again. And that can only mean one thing: flu season is right around the corner. With this year's added peril of swine flu, it's more important than ever to be vigilant. Here are a few pointers to help you keep yourself and your family flu-free this fall.

Hand-washing
It is well known that the easiest way to avoid the flu is to wash your hands regularly. But studies show that under 10% of Americans are familiar with proper hand-washing technique. To be sure your hands are actually staying germ-free, follow these steps:

1. Turn the water on using the back of your hand.
2. Apply soap.
3. Wet your hands.
4. Apply soap again.
5. Wash under your fingernails.
6. Rinse the soap off.
7. To ensure all bacteria are fully removed, cut off your hands.
8. Dry off your stumps using an air dryer--not some scummy paper towel dispenser!
   

Doorknobs
Doorknobs are prime breeding grounds for the flu. Therefore, it is essential to complete the following steps to avoid the dangers they pose:

• Remove knobs from any doors you see.
• Look in the yellow pages for any stores that might sell doorknobs. If you find any, these are the types of extenuating circumstances in which arson is perfectly reasonable. (Make sure to use the type of fire that burns doorknobs, obviously.)
  
• If you break wind, and someone yells "doorknob," kill them immediately.

Reader Phyllis, of San Francisco, writes, "The neighborhood I live in is called Nob Hill. This is a different spelling...not to mention, it's just a name. So I'm okay, right?" Wrong. Your neighborhood is infested. Burn all your belongings and flee to Uzbekistan.

Schoolchildren
Schools are the easiest place for flu to spread. If your kids are enrolled in a school, it is recommended that you have them deported. If you see a little boy walking the streets with a schoolbag, assemble a mob to shame the boy and call him what he is: a bioterrorist.

In the event of flu
Reader Lesley writes, "Let's say I do get sick. Should I stay home?" The last thing we need in a flu epidemic is a sissy. Be a man, Lesley. And if you're a woman, get a sex change, then be a man. If you are a man, get a name change, because in the face of what could be the most devastating flu season in history, this Lesley crap ain't gonna fly.

Final thoughts
Realistically, anytime you go to work, or to school, or to the grocery store, or to the bank, you're exposing yourself to some risk of coming home with the flu. The best course of action, then, is to never go anywhere or do anything--for the rest of your life if possible, but at least for the duration of flu season.

But for a few of us, this is an impossibility. For those few, I offer that flu season is a misnomer; this is ambiguity season. By that, I mean that the uncertainty over whether you have caught the flu is far more dangerous than actually catching it. In other words, find someone with the flu and inhale their sneeze, for the last thing you want is a season-long case of anxiety. Because, to paraphrase FDR, the only thing we have to flu is flu itself.

Poll: Americans Eager To Get Screwed Over Even More On Health Care

by Benjo

You hear a lot of noise about the opponents of health care reform. But this poll should put to rest any doubts that they have their heads on straight.

Faced with crushing health care costs, record numbers of uninsured, and a squeeze caused by the recession, Americans want to see the country's health care system get even worse, a new survey shows.

The poll found that an overwhelming majority of Americans oppose efforts by Congress and President Obama to reform the system.

“A shitty health-care system is one of the things that makes this country great,” said Dale Lander, of Sheridan, Arkansas. “You want to live in a country where you're guaranteed cheap health care? Move to France.”

Dotty Rausch, of Wichita, also opposes a mandate for health insurance coverage. “This is just another case where the government is stepping into our lives, telling us what to do. I believe illness is a choice. And I will not let government take away my right to be sick and not have the means to do anything about it.”

Lander and other opponents of reform nonetheless support some elements of the White House's plan. “My big things are high costs and lack of coverage, so I am in opposition, let's get that clear,” Lander said. “But I have also long been a death panel advocate, so I was heartened to hear that they would be included in the bill.” Lander added, “I used to be a major supporter of Sarah Palin, but the fact that she is against the death panels is making me reconsider.”

Ned Bailey, of Waterford, Michigan, was among the 3% whose top priority for a health package was universal coverage. “I have been bankrupt, been made to suffer, and will probably someday be killed by this awful health care system,” Bailey said. “That 47 million people have been able to completely avoid this shitshow is simply unfair. Let's make them endure it with the rest of us.”

Decrease In Acceleration Of Rise In Unemployment Falls, Leaving Economists Arguing Over What Actually Happened

by Benjo

Dizzying news:

The decreasing rate of acceleration of rising unemployment went down this month, leaving economists reeling in an effort to determine whether this was a good or a bad thing. “The accelerating rise in unemployment went down. That means people aren't losing their jobs as quickly,” said Branford Wilhelm of the University of Chicago. "That's good." But Jacoby Roughrider, of Princeton, disagreed, pointing out that “this is the decrease in acceleration of the rise in unemployment. That means the acceleration went up.” At his press briefing on Monday, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said, “President Obama has not articulated a position on whether these numbers are what we want or what we don't want." But Gibbs denied charges that Obama was non-committal on not avoiding allowing a decrease in the rise of unemployment not to increase by the end of 2010, pointing out that “The President considers that one of his lowest non-priorities.”

Man Missing For 20 Years Surfaces, Is Declared Winner Of Hide-And-Seek Game

by Benjo

When I was a kid, I remember losing myself for days at a time in a game of Parsec, but this guy takes the idea of getting lost in a game to a whole different level.

Jake Litton, who has been missing since 1989, finally appeared on Tuesday, giving his family some long-awaited relief and putting an end to what historians are calling the longest hide-and-seek game ever played.

Litton's older brother, Danny, who now goes by Dan, and neighborhood youths Mike Danforth and Gilly Richardson, all came out of their hiding spots after an hour or so on the day the game began, when it was time for dinner. But Jake stayed put—until now.

“No one ever said, 'Come out, come out, wherever you are,'” Jake said. “So I assumed the game was still going.”

Jake came up with the idea for his hiding spot while eating breakfast on the day of the game. “No one would ever think to check there, so I knew it would be a winner,” he said. He declined to reveal the location of the hiding spot, citing his desire to use it again in future games.

“People think it would be boring, but to be honest, it was the best 20 years of my life,” Jake said. “Yes, I spent puberty in a hiding spot, but so does everyone, in a sense.”

Jake finally made the decision to come out when he smelled French toast. “I love my mom's French toast,” he said, “and I was really hungry—you know, since I've just been living on bugs and whatever else crawled by for 20 years.”

However, when he came downstairs for breakfast, he was met with disappointment. “It ended up being someone else's mom's French toast. Turns out my parents sold the house twelve years ago. The kid gave me a bite, though, so it's all good.”

“I'm relieved that my little brother's still alive,” said Dan Litton, who is now a commodities trader at Goldman Sachs. “But the idea that he won the game is total crap. We stopped for dinner, not because anyone ever found me. Hell, if I'd wanted, I probably could've lasted 20 years in my hiding spot, too.”

At 29 years old, but with only a third-grade education, Jake is not sure what he will do with his life. His first priority, he says, is to get his brother and the other kids in the neighborhood together for another game of hide-and-seek. “I was the winner,” he said. “So it's my turn to be it.”

Health Care FAQ: Separating Fact From Fiction

by Benjo

If you've been following the debate on health care reform, you know that a lot of half-truths, rumors, and flat-out lies are going around. Today, the White House published an FAQ to sort out what's true from what's not. Since they couldn't get to all the questions, I answered a few below.

Is Obama's health care plan socialism?
No. People throw the word socialism around a lot these days. What they tend to forget, though, is that our highways, fire departments, and postal service have been government-run for decades. To suggest that the existence of a public health care option will suddenly turn the United States into a socialist nation is preposterous: we're already there. The word for where this health care plan will leave us is Communism.

Is it true that the health care plan would kill our babies, or establish “death panels,” as former Alaska governor Sarah Palin has suggested?
Absolutely not. The government's confiscation of all first-borns will eliminate the need for any such death panels.

Is it true that Obama's health care plan would result in the euthanization of many elderly citizens?
This one is patently false. Euthanasia is the choice to actively put a person to death. Obama's plan would deny treatment to a person, so that the person withers away passively—i.e., on their own time. This is not euthanasia, and it is completely unfair to the president to suggest otherwise. Any pro-lifer would surely tell you that, just as abortion is a sin because it interferes with God's will, Obama's plan is ethically sound because it allows God's will to be followed.

Is Obama Hitler?
Since he has not released his birth certificate, there is no way to know for sure. But the Obama-Hitler comparisons made in recent days by Rush Limbaugh and others do have major factual problems. For instance, Hitler killed 6 million Jews, Polish Christians, gypsies, homosexuals, and handicapped individuals. Obama's plan, on the other hand, would allow all elderly persons to perish equitably, without regard to color or creed.

Five Particles Dead, Four Injured In Giant Particle Collision At Hadron

by Benjo

My heart goes out to the families of the particles.

Geneva Police are reporting five particles dead and four injured in a giant particle collision at Hadron, the particle accelerator that was switched on in Switzerland last fall. This marks the latest in a string of recent setbacks at Hadron. The previous one occurred at a ceremony last month for the unveiling of the enormous sign in front of Hadron, when it was discovered that the placement of the D and R had been accidentally switched.

Life of the Party: A Short Story by Benjo

by Edward J. Albenstein

I may be Benjoblog's official writer-in-residence, but by no means am I the only wordsmith around here: Benjo, it turns out, is a wonderful fiction writer.

Read his new short story, Life of the Party, at bengreenfield.com.

Steering Wheel Use Found To Be Associated With Traffic Accidents

by Benjo

I'm posting this article for the benefit of any of you who might be drivers. These days, people will use their steering wheel without a second thought, leaving neither hand free. Be careful out there.

Distractions from steering wheels cause tens of thousands of car accidents each year, according to a new study by statisticians Richard French and Ainsley Waring. Their research, which will be published in next month's issue of Science, finds that steering wheels are a factor in 95 percent or more of traffic accidents.

The study found that hands-free steering wheel use is not any better, as drivers may become complacent, with the expectation that their car will steer itself.

Despite the study's findings, many have continued to use their steering wheel, angering public-safety advocates. “It is not fair to the other drivers on the road for you to put their lives at risk so you can have a few seconds of convenience,” said highway patroller Mike Cary. “You need to use your steering wheel? Fine. But pull over before you do it.”

However, any choice regarding steering-wheel use is likely to leave the public's hands soon—literally. The Senate Committee on Commerce, Science and Transportation has scheduled hearings on a steering-wheel ban for just after the August recess, and are expected to pass legislation by the end of the year.

But some public-safety advocates complain that a steering-wheel ban does not go far enough. “Engines, ignitions, gas pedals, and drivers' seats provide just as much of a hazard to drivers,” said Terry McCourt, of Car Safety Now. “Not until these features are removed is a car really safe.”

The study is posed to reopen other long-closed issues of car safety as well. An analysis published in the Economist this week shows that nearly all deaths previously assumed to be alcohol-related appear also to have included a steering wheel, raising questions about whether it was the alcohol or the steering wheel that caused the accident.

Despite the overwhelming evidence supporting its conclusions, the study continues to face some skepticism. "I've been driving for thirty years and using a steering wheel that whole time," said Florette Watkins, 42. "It sure doesn't seem dangerous to me." However, French, one of the co-authors of the study, attributed Watkins's statement to a common logical fallacy. "Causation does not imply correlation," French pointed out.

French and Waring are best-known for their landmark 2006 study that proved that the administration of last rites was the leading cause of death in Catholics. Waring is currently working on the follow-up to his 2008 bestseller, Those Who Breathe, Die.

Army Developing Unmanned Targets For Use In Afghanistan

by Benjo

I was as devastated as you were by the news that Congress halted production of the F-22. Thankfully, we have ourselves an Army that's incredibly diligent about coming up with urgent new technologies that require our funding, so we don't have to worry about the government ending up with extraneous cash. Here's an excerpt of an article about one such innovation:

Following the success of unmanned aerial vehicles such as the Predator, the U.S. Army has been developing a high-tech unmanned target. Called the Prey, the targets are expected to be deployed in the treacherous region between Afghanistan and Pakistan as early as December.

The drone targets will be self-powered, requiring no human control, but will otherwise function identically to traditional targets.

“They will be spotted, targeted, attacked, and destroyed in exactly the same way as if they were manned; however, there will be no casualties,” said Jackson Wallace of Raytheon, the defense contractor developing the Prey.

When asked what the practical purpose of the drone targets will be, an Army spokesperson pointed out that that was a good question.

Judge Sentenced To 2 Years After Defendant Invokes “I'm Rubber, You're Glue” Provision

by Benjo

My thoughts are with the judge's family:

Judge Harold S. Marsh of Prescott, Minnesota, was sentenced to two years in prison yesterday after defendant Michael Holcomb invoked the “I'm rubber, you're glue” provision, which allows a statement to bounce off of a listener and stick to its speaker. Holcomb, whose trial had previously been suspended due to an inflagration of a witness's pants believed to have been caused by a lie told on the witness stand, was released shortly after the sentence was announced. Authorities say he will face no further prosecution for his crime of stealing the cookies from the cookie jar.