Interview with Nathaniel Abramson of NASA

by Benjo

Dr. Nathaniel Abramson is the director of the Extraterrestrial Life Exploration program at NASA, which is tasked with documenting and classifying any life on other planets in our solar system. I had the great fortune to speak with Dr. Abramson today.

BENJO: How are you doing today?

ABRAMSON: On a scale from 1 to 10, I'd say I'm somewhere between a 2 and a 9.

BENJO: That's a pretty broad range.

ABRAMSON: Narrowing it down even a little bit is what's important.

BENJO: Fair enough. So how is the life exploration coming along?

ABRAMSON: It's coming along well. Narrowing it down even a little bit is what's important.

BENJO: I'm sure. So have you actually found evidence of existing life on other planets?

ABRAMSON: Oh, sure. Tons.

BENJO: Is this—that's amazing. On which planet?

ABRAMSON: Oh, all of them. Uranus—all of them.

BENJO: There's life on Uranus?

ABRAMSON: Ha ha ha, no—that was a joke, of course. But all the other planets, yes.

BENJO: Well this is incredible news. I don't think it had been reported in any news outlet to this point. Can you tell me a little bit about some of these life forms?

ABRAMSON: Well let's see. There are cats on Saturn, newts on Jupiter—

BENJO: I'm sorry, did you say there were cats on Saturn?

ABRAMSON: Certainly—I mean, they're not housetrained, so they need to be walked. But look, don't act like these cats are barbarians—they'll purr if you pat them. Tell me, are you a cat owner?

BENJO: I—no.

ABRAMSON: They're really wonderful pets. Everyone is so addicted to dogs, and I just don't understand it. I used to be a dog person, but after comparing Saturn with the pound that is Venus, I can safely say that cats are the better pet. You know, my friend's selling Abyssinians, if you're interested.

BENJO: I'm fine, thanks.

ABRAMSON: So Benjo, when did you get into blogging?

BENJO: I—this interview is supposed to be about the Extraterrestrial Life Exploration program. We can talk about my blogging afterward.

ABRAMSON: As you wish, Benjo. You know, the need to exercise absolute power is the surest sign of absolute weakness.

BENJO: Dr. Abramson, can you tell me about some of the other findings made by your team?

ABRAMSON: The greatest discovery was when we went to Neptune and found a sushi joint run by two-toed sloths.

BENJO: Okay, that is just blatantly false.

ABRAMSON: Believe what you want.

BENJO: Dr. Abramson, does the Extraterrestrial Life Exploration program even exist?

ABRAMSON: Yes. Well, no.

BENJO: Do you work for NASA?

ABRAMSON: I used to work in Nassau, in the Bahamas, taking pictures of vacationers with parrots on their shoulder.

BENJO: Sir, what do you do for a living now?

ABRAMSON: I sell insurance. Benjo, do you rent or own?

BENJO: That's irrelevant. I rent.

ABRAMSON: Do you have renter's insurance?

BENJO: No. I've been thinking about it, but anyway, look—

ABRAMSON: Thinking is for professors, Benjo. Thinking won't reimburse you for damaged property in the event of fire.

BENJO: I know.

ABRAMSON: Listen, for just $14.99 a month, my policy will cover you for the original value of damaged items in cases of fire, theft, and even some natural disasters.

BENJO: You said $14.99?

ABRAMSON: Sure did. Why don't you look over this brochure, let me know if you have any questions, and then we'll get you set up with this right away. You never know when disaster will strike, Benjo. You need to be prepared.

BENJO: I can't believe I'm doing this. Can I write you a check?

ABRAMSON: Absolutely. You'll need to put down $89.94 to cover the first six months.

BENJO: And who do I make it out to?

ABRAMSON: To NASA.

BENJO: Wait, but I thought—

ABRAMSON: Nat Abramson Sales and Actuary.

BENJO (laughing): Oh, that's rich.

ABRAMSON: Sure is.

BENJO: Well, Mr. Abramson, thank you so much for coming by today.

ABRAMSON: Thank you, Benjo. It's been a pleasure talking with you.