Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Obama Calls Republicans' Bluff, Appoints Jesus to Supreme Court

by Benjo

A stunning pick. See below.
WASHINGTON, D.C.--Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell made headlines last week when he promised that Republicans would oppose President Barack Obama's eventual Supreme Court nominee. But in a move that strategists are calling political masterwork, Obama will call Republicans' bluff, nominating Jesus Christ to the Court early next week.

McConnell could not be reached for comment on the decision. But according to Republican strategist Mike Murphy, the political calculus is nearly impossible.

“On the one hand, if you vote for confirmation, you're backtracking on last week's promise, which is extremely embarrassing,” Murphy said. “On the other hand, if you vote against confirmation, you just voted no on fricking Jesus Christ.”

But even if He wins the support of some Republicans, Christ, the son of God, faces an uphill confirmation battle. Already, critics have questioned His eligibility for the Court, claiming that “natural-born” cannot apply to resurrections.

Others expressed concern over expectations about Jesus's legal decisions. Abortion-rights groups worry that Jesus, a fierce pro-life advocate during His days on Earth, could tip the Court towards overturning Roe v. Wade.

On school prayer, another hot-button issue for the Court in recent years, left-wing groups worry about a potential conflict of interests, since many of the prayers would be to Him.

Jesus's backers fiercely refute such claims. According to Heaven spokesman St. Peter, “Jesus understands that when He trades in His heavenly robe for His judicial robe, He's also trading in the word of God for the word of the Constitution.”

St. Peter added, “He will be an impartial judge, and He will not rule from the bench, unlike some of His liberal colleagues.”

Some, though, have difficulty with the details of Christ's career shift.

“I've spent my life as a dedicated follower of His work,” said John Tucker, a pastor near Tuscaloosa. “But now that He's supporting Obama's socialist agenda, I'm out.” Tucker does not know what he'll do now, but says, “I heard that Mohammed had some good things to say about same-sex marriage, so I'll definitely be checking their thing out.”

Other religious leaders were more optimistic. “I think it's silly that He's not Chief Justice, don't get me wrong,” said Bishop Matthew Landry of San Diego. “But let's face it, we've got another Republican joining the court. We should be happy.”

President Obama would not confirm the selection, but praised Jesus. “Jesus is someone who has a reputation for being a pragmatic leader, and who has always been a beacon of light on issues of justice. He is someone who has been an influence on me, particularly with respect to his ability to cross party lines to get things done.” Obama expressed hope that his eventual nominee will be quickly confirmed by the Senate.

Many analysts predict that Christ's confirmation will depend on His performance in confirmation hearings, as well as details that emerge about His earlier work. Christ's opposition to abortion, same-sex marriage, and stem-cell research are well known. But Republican operatives are poring through the Bible for hints about His views on states' rights, originalist readings of the Constitution, and Guantanamo detainees' habeas corpus rights, among other issues.

Whether Republicans in Congress will fall in line remains to be seen. But no one was more ecstatic about the pick than Independent senator Joseph Lieberman of Connecticut. “Finally,” Lieberman said, “a Jew on the Supreme Court.”

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