The Pun-Jokes

by Szabe

Benjo write the post about joke for mother. I give my mother a joke once: my school card!

My favorite jokes for mom was always the pun. The pun the only joke that give you all the funny to the humor, with language, and then so you think.

Here is my favorite Hungarian pun-jokes from growing up.

• What the difference is of a doggie with three foots and a mailman with three letters? The doggie with three foots have three paws, and the mailman with three letters have three mails!
• Did you heard about the man who ask his wife why she make so many jokes lately? She say she been trying to do more “humor”ous.
• When you cross a monkey with a pencil you get what? A monkcil.
• The lawyer prepare all week for his court case. He get ready notes and he get ready arguments. He talk to the witness and he look at the stories from before cases. He perfectly ready him for everything. Then the court case come, and he lose.
• What the definition of war is? The struggle on the battlefield between the states or nations for the particular ends.
• What does it call a kitchen with two refrigerates? A two-fridge kit chin!

Johnny Baker Goes to Room, But Refuses To Think About What He's Done

by Benjo

Just caught a snippet of this story on the news, but this was the only coverage of it I could find online. Links to more detailed stories would be appreciated--I can't believe organized crime is starting so young.

PINE BLUFFS, WY--Last Thursday night, after her son Johnny played with his food at the dinner table, Sandy Baker ordered Johnny to go to his room and think about what he'd done. Johnny dutifully proceeded to his room and shut the door. But according to local authorities, he neglected to think about what he'd done. Police spokesman Walter Dingle said it was initially suspected that Johnny, 7, was part of a local ring of children behind a recent wave of crimes involving a refusal to eat their vegetables. However, investigators eventually confirmed that Johnny acted alone. Since this is Johnny's first offense, he will not face prison time. But Dingle said that a repeat offense could land Johnny in his room for up to three hours with no chance of dessert.

Obama Calls Republicans' Bluff, Appoints Jesus to Supreme Court

by Benjo

A stunning pick. See below.

WASHINGTON, D.C.--Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell made headlines last week when he promised that Republicans would oppose President Barack Obama's eventual Supreme Court nominee. But in a move that strategists are calling political masterwork, Obama will call Republicans' bluff, nominating Jesus Christ to the Court early next week.

McConnell could not be reached for comment on the decision. But according to Republican strategist Mike Murphy, the political calculus is nearly impossible.

“On the one hand, if you vote for confirmation, you're backtracking on last week's promise, which is extremely embarrassing,” Murphy said. “On the other hand, if you vote against confirmation, you just voted no on fricking Jesus Christ.”

But even if He wins the support of some Republicans, Christ, the son of God, faces an uphill confirmation battle. Already, critics have questioned His eligibility for the Court, claiming that “natural-born” cannot apply to resurrections.

Others expressed concern over expectations about Jesus's legal decisions. Abortion-rights groups worry that Jesus, a fierce pro-life advocate during His days on Earth, could tip the Court towards overturning Roe v. Wade.

On school prayer, another hot-button issue for the Court in recent years, left-wing groups worry about a potential conflict of interests, since many of the prayers would be to Him.

Jesus's backers fiercely refute such claims. According to Heaven spokesman St. Peter, “Jesus understands that when He trades in His heavenly robe for His judicial robe, He's also trading in the word of God for the word of the Constitution.”

St. Peter added, “He will be an impartial judge, and He will not rule from the bench, unlike some of His liberal colleagues.”

Some, though, have difficulty with the details of Christ's career shift.

“I've spent my life as a dedicated follower of His work,” said John Tucker, a pastor near Tuscaloosa. “But now that He's supporting Obama's socialist agenda, I'm out.” Tucker does not know what he'll do now, but says, “I heard that Mohammed had some good things to say about same-sex marriage, so I'll definitely be checking their thing out.”

Other religious leaders were more optimistic. “I think it's silly that He's not Chief Justice, don't get me wrong,” said Bishop Matthew Landry of San Diego. “But let's face it, we've got another Republican joining the court. We should be happy.”

President Obama would not confirm the selection, but praised Jesus. “Jesus is someone who has a reputation for being a pragmatic leader, and who has always been a beacon of light on issues of justice. He is someone who has been an influence on me, particularly with respect to his ability to cross party lines to get things done.” Obama expressed hope that his eventual nominee will be quickly confirmed by the Senate.

Many analysts predict that Christ's confirmation will depend on His performance in confirmation hearings, as well as details that emerge about His earlier work. Christ's opposition to abortion, same-sex marriage, and stem-cell research are well known. But Republican operatives are poring through the Bible for hints about His views on states' rights, originalist readings of the Constitution, and Guantanamo detainees' habeas corpus rights, among other issues.

Whether Republicans in Congress will fall in line remains to be seen. But no one was more ecstatic about the pick than Independent senator Joseph Lieberman of Connecticut. “Finally,” Lieberman said, “a Jew on the Supreme Court.”

Interview with Nathaniel Abramson of NASA

by Benjo

Dr. Nathaniel Abramson is the director of the Extraterrestrial Life Exploration program at NASA, which is tasked with documenting and classifying any life on other planets in our solar system. I had the great fortune to speak with Dr. Abramson today.

BENJO: How are you doing today?

ABRAMSON: On a scale from 1 to 10, I'd say I'm somewhere between a 2 and a 9.

BENJO: That's a pretty broad range.

ABRAMSON: Narrowing it down even a little bit is what's important.

BENJO: Fair enough. So how is the life exploration coming along?

ABRAMSON: It's coming along well. Narrowing it down even a little bit is what's important.

BENJO: I'm sure. So have you actually found evidence of existing life on other planets?

ABRAMSON: Oh, sure. Tons.

BENJO: Is this—that's amazing. On which planet?

ABRAMSON: Oh, all of them. Uranus—all of them.

BENJO: There's life on Uranus?

ABRAMSON: Ha ha ha, no—that was a joke, of course. But all the other planets, yes.

BENJO: Well this is incredible news. I don't think it had been reported in any news outlet to this point. Can you tell me a little bit about some of these life forms?

ABRAMSON: Well let's see. There are cats on Saturn, newts on Jupiter—

BENJO: I'm sorry, did you say there were cats on Saturn?

ABRAMSON: Certainly—I mean, they're not housetrained, so they need to be walked. But look, don't act like these cats are barbarians—they'll purr if you pat them. Tell me, are you a cat owner?

BENJO: I—no.

ABRAMSON: They're really wonderful pets. Everyone is so addicted to dogs, and I just don't understand it. I used to be a dog person, but after comparing Saturn with the pound that is Venus, I can safely say that cats are the better pet. You know, my friend's selling Abyssinians, if you're interested.

BENJO: I'm fine, thanks.

ABRAMSON: So Benjo, when did you get into blogging?

BENJO: I—this interview is supposed to be about the Extraterrestrial Life Exploration program. We can talk about my blogging afterward.

ABRAMSON: As you wish, Benjo. You know, the need to exercise absolute power is the surest sign of absolute weakness.

BENJO: Dr. Abramson, can you tell me about some of the other findings made by your team?

ABRAMSON: The greatest discovery was when we went to Neptune and found a sushi joint run by two-toed sloths.

BENJO: Okay, that is just blatantly false.

ABRAMSON: Believe what you want.

BENJO: Dr. Abramson, does the Extraterrestrial Life Exploration program even exist?

ABRAMSON: Yes. Well, no.

BENJO: Do you work for NASA?

ABRAMSON: I used to work in Nassau, in the Bahamas, taking pictures of vacationers with parrots on their shoulder.

BENJO: Sir, what do you do for a living now?

ABRAMSON: I sell insurance. Benjo, do you rent or own?

BENJO: That's irrelevant. I rent.

ABRAMSON: Do you have renter's insurance?

BENJO: No. I've been thinking about it, but anyway, look—

ABRAMSON: Thinking is for professors, Benjo. Thinking won't reimburse you for damaged property in the event of fire.

BENJO: I know.

ABRAMSON: Listen, for just $14.99 a month, my policy will cover you for the original value of damaged items in cases of fire, theft, and even some natural disasters.

BENJO: You said $14.99?

ABRAMSON: Sure did. Why don't you look over this brochure, let me know if you have any questions, and then we'll get you set up with this right away. You never know when disaster will strike, Benjo. You need to be prepared.

BENJO: I can't believe I'm doing this. Can I write you a check?

ABRAMSON: Absolutely. You'll need to put down $89.94 to cover the first six months.

BENJO: And who do I make it out to?

ABRAMSON: To NASA.

BENJO: Wait, but I thought—

ABRAMSON: Nat Abramson Sales and Actuary.

BENJO (laughing): Oh, that's rich.

ABRAMSON: Sure is.

BENJO: Well, Mr. Abramson, thank you so much for coming by today.

ABRAMSON: Thank you, Benjo. It's been a pleasure talking with you.

Etari

by Benjo

Last week, at a Subway restaurant in Tehachapi, California, a cashier turned everything I thought I knew about vegetarianism on its head. My two friends had just paid for their Veggie Delite sandwiches, and I was doing the same. The conversation went as follows:

CASHIER: Three Veggie Delites, huh. Y'all are vegans?
ME: Vegetarians.
CASHIER: Right, vegans. Same thing.

I returned to my table and broke the news to my friends. “Fuck dick-a-shit ass ass ass!” Dan said.

“Dan,” I replied, “what are you talking about?”

“I'm sorry,” he replied, “but you know I curse unintelligibly when I find out I've been wrong about something for years.”

Zeke wiped a tear from his eye. “This is terrible, but how do we know she's not full of tofuloney? I mean, who is she, anyway?”

Dan snarled. “I'll tell you who she is: she's a food service careerwoman. That means it's her job to be a societal knowledge center when it comes to food-related issues.”

“Okay,” Zeke said, “you're right.”

“But not only that,” Dan said. “As a member of the native Tehachapi, she has a sixth sense when it comes to health and environmental issues that you and I can't even understand. They invented veganism long before the white man ever came along and turned it into a yuppie sport.”

“I know, I know,” Zeke said. “It's just that, well, the 'etari' was the most important part of my vegetarianism.”

“Well,” Dan replied, “you're going to have to let the 'etari' go. You're a vegan now.”

I chimed in. “Guys, I just have one problem with this. Isn't it a slippery slope?”

“Oh God,” Dan said. “You and your slippery slopes.”

“No, hear me out. I mean, who's to say the 'etari' is the only thing they strip from our vegetarianism? What's next, the 'eg'? if they got rid of that, we'd be vans.”

“We're not going to be vans,” Dan said. “Vans are already a type of shoes. If they tried to call us vans, it would be copyright infringement.”

“That's what you think,” barked a voice from the next table. We looked over and saw a grizzled truck driver in a flannel shirt and mesh hat. “That's what I used to tell the other caravanseraimobile drivers: 'They'll never call us van drivers—it'll be copyright infringement!'”

“Caravanseraimobile drivers?”

“That's right,” he said. “I used to drive soccer and lacrosse teams around in my caravanseraimobile. During the summer, I drove camp kids to the mountains for the day.”

He sighed. “But then one day, in 1957, I came into a Subway just like this one to get a few six-foot subs for the kids in the caravanseraimobile to share.”

“What happened?” Zeke asked.

“Well,” he said, “the young Tehachapi cashier asked, 'Is this for the kids in the caravanmobile?' I said, 'The kids in the caravanseraimobile.' She said, 'Right, caravanmobile. Same thing.'” He wiped his brow. “I brushed it off, thinking the woman was ignorant. But the next time I came in, they called it a caravan. It was then that I understood what was happening.”

“Wait,” Dan said. “Are you saying that what we call vans, you used to call caravanseraimobiles?”

“Not just me. That was their name. Look at the catalogs—Chevy, 1957, '56, all the way back to when they made their first model in '33, I think it was, to haul groups of homeless to local churches during the heart of the Depression so's they could get fed.”

“So what happened?” I asked.

“Well,” he continued, “as I said, I told all the other caravanseraimobile drivers the Tehachapi'd never take to calling 'em vans—just like you said, it would be copyright infringement. But they did it, and got away with it—it seems the Vans company relies on a dye for their shoes that only grows on the Tehachapi Plains, so they'll let the Tehachapi infringe on whatever they want, so long's they get the dye.”

“Why didn't you keep driving vans?” Zeke asked. Dan elbowed Zeke. “Sorry—caravanseraimobiles.”

“I couldn't do it—the parts that were most important to me were the serai, and the cara, and the mobile. They took those out, and it was like they took out my heart with 'em.”

“Just like 'etari' for me,” Zeke whispered.

“All the truck drivers you see on the road today used to be caravanseraimobile drivers,” the man said. “The Tehachapi stole our identity from all of us.”

“It's just so weird,” Dan said. “We always learn in school about the white man stripping the natives of their property and their identity, but somehow the stories of them stripping us of ours go untold.”

“Some say they did it to get revenge for the centuries of injustice,” he said. “Some say it was the first step toward starting a van empire. I say that doesn't matter. What matters is that they need to be stopped. And you boys are the only ones who can stop them.”

“Us?” I said, stunned.

“They're trying to transform everyone and everything into vans. Vanna White resisted, and so did the guys from Evanescence, but most have succumbed. You must traverse the country, find all those with whose identities the letters V, A, and N are intertwined, and band them together. And start—”

Just then, his speech and our rapt astonishment were cut off by a cry from the cash register.

“Oh, that's right!” the voice said. Its owner, the cashier, walked toward us. “Hey guys,” she said. “Know how I said vegans and vegetarians were the same thing? I muffed up.”

Never had I felt so relieved. The truck driver must have overheard our exchange, written a quick fairytale in his mind, and told it to us to give himself a little bit of fun to relieve the monotony of the road. Or maybe decades of marathon driving sessions had just made him insane. Either way, it was a simple misunderstanding, and the cashier had just misspoken.

Or so I thought.

“I was just talking to Cherise,” the cashier continued, “and she told me it was actually vegetarians and vans that are the same thing.”

Dan, Zeke and I looked at each other, then at the truck driver, then back at each other, then we all ran for the door. And in a sense, we haven't stopped running since we left Tehachapi.

Your Mother

by Benjo

Over the centuries, mothers have silently suffered enormous hardships, their bravery and pain all too often unrecognized or underappreciated. From infant mortality to oppressive paternalistic societies and on and on, the list of offenses is devastatingly long. It can be safely said, however, that no injustice has been as traumatic to mothers as one that has arisen in the last two decades. I'm talking, of course, about Your Mother jokes.

Everybody knows that these jokes are unfunny, but what's more striking is that they are almost always untrue. My mother, for example, is impressively fit, and yet, a young man with whom I went to grade school insisted that people mistook her for a truck in reverse when her pager went off.

An end to this tomfoolery is long overdue. It is time to take back Your Mother jokes, and for this, no occasion is more appropriate than Mother's Day. On that note, I have created a new line of these jokes that highlight some of the positive aspects of our mothers. Create your own, and share them in the comments or just tell them to your friends or your mother. Happy Mother's Day!

Your mother's like the village dentist: she gives everyone a great smile!

Your mother's so great, if you look up “wonderful” in the dictionary, there's a picture of her!

Your mother's so smart, she knows what a quarterback is even though she doesn't watch football!

Your mother's so reasonable that to get on her good side, you need to be honest, genuine, and kind!

Your mother's like a race car driver: she's steady, calm, and she knows how to handle even the hardest turns! In short, she's a champion!

Your mother's so fit that when she went to the doctor, he said, “What are you doing here? You are literally the healthiest patient I've ever seen!”

Your mother looks so good for her age that when she goes to the cosmetics store, they will seriously refuse to sell anything to her because of how good she looks.

Your mother's teeth are so white, a cokehead once tried to snort them!

Your mother's so caring, she helped the cokehead deal with his addiction, and he's doing great now!

Your mom's so faithful that she won't even drink through a straw unless it tastes like your daddy's!